I was in a very abusive relationship (that lasted 9 years), so a lot of this post comes from experience.
However, I also have completed my degree in Human Relationships and Psychology so you’ll get rational explanations behind every point.
I also read a lot, so I’m going to list some books in case you want to dive further into this topic.
Let’s begin.
Have you ever walked away from a conversation with him and thought, wait, why do I feel… kinda small?
Like your confidence got chipped away, but you can’t quite put your finger on it?
If you’ve ever been left second-guessing your looks, your intelligence, or even your worth after spending time with someone who says they “like you”, there is a possibility you’re being negged.
Negging isn’t always easy to spot.
That’s the scary part.
It’s subtle, sneaky, and often wrapped up in a weird kind of flirtation or charm.
It’s not outright meanness. It’s not blatantly toxic either.
It’s a slow drip of insults hidden in “jokes.” It’s compliments laced with jabs. It’s making you feel insecure, just enough, so you’ll try harder for their validation.
And honestly? That’s not love. That’s manipulation.
This post isn’t about blaming you or making you feel dumb for not seeing it sooner.
I’ve been there. Seriously.
The people who fall for negging the most are often the ones with the biggest hearts.
We want to give people the benefit of the doubt. We think, “Maybe I’m just overreacting,” or “Maybe I’m too sensitive.”
But you’re not. You’re waking up.
So let’s break this down—11 warning signs that he’s negging you.
If even a few of these feel familiar… I see you. You’re not crazy. You deserve better.
And you can walk away from anyone who makes you feel small on purpose.
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1. He says something “as a joke,” but it still hurts
He makes fun of your laugh, your outfit, the way you pronounce a word—but quickly follows it with, “Relax, I’m just kidding.”
You try to laugh it off, but it still stings.
Because deep down, you know he meant it. That joke wasn’t for laughs, it was to test your reaction. To poke at your self-esteem just enough.
Real love doesn’t leave you feeling humiliated.
Please remember this.
And people who truly care about you don’t wrap their insults in humor.
I highly recommend Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft – A powerful read for understanding manipulation in relationships.
2. He compliments you… But only after pointing out a flaw
“You actually look good with makeup on.”
“You’re not usually funny, but that was hilarious.”
“You clean up well for once.”
Notice how every “compliment” comes with a side of insult?
That’s the formula: take you down a notch, then give you just enough praise to keep you hooked. It messes with your self-worth on purpose.
A real partner lifts you up. They don’t play these mind games.
I recommend reading Attached by Amir Levine – This book will help you understand why some people create emotional chaos and how to protect yourself.
3. He makes you feel like you’re lucky to have his attention
He constantly points out other girls who are “hotter” or “cooler” and makes you feel like you’re not quite enough. Like, you should be grateful that he even noticed you.
That’s negging. And it’s intentional.
You start doubting your worth, comparing yourself, and working harder just to feel “chosen.”
But here’s the truth: you’re not lucky to have his attention. He’s lucky to have yours.
Please read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker – Learn to trust your instincts, especially when someone subtly tries to undermine them.
4. He downplays your achievements
You got a promotion? He says, “Must’ve been luck.”
Did you finish a creative project? He shrugs, “It’s not that big a deal.”
When you share something you’re proud of and he immediately minimizes it, it’s not “keeping you humble,” it’s crushing your confidence.
A partner should celebrate your wins, not make you feel like they’re meaningless.
Please read Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach – For reclaiming your self-worth and silencing those who try to dim your light.
5. He compares you to his exes or other women
It really sucks when people do this. And it’s one of the biggest red flags I’ve seen when dating.
He’ll say things like, “My ex was really stylish,” or “You’re prettier than most girls I’ve dated.”
It sounds like a compliment, but it’s laced with comparison. It puts you in a race you didn’t ask to join.
Negging thrives on insecurity. The more you feel “less than,” the more he feels in control.
You don’t need to compete. You are not a lineup.
I recommend reading Break the Cycle by Marissa Miller – Helps you spot and stop unhealthy relationship patterns.
6. He acts distant after you express happiness or success
You’re excited about something, but instead of sharing in your joy, he pulls away. Maybe even gives you the silent treatment.
This emotional withholding is another form of punishment. It’s meant to teach you that being proud or happy makes him uncomfortable, so you’ll stop doing it.
You shrink. He gains control.
That’s the pattern.
7. He mocks your interests
He rolls his eyes when you talk about your favorite show.
He calls your hobby “childish.”
He says, “Ugh, that’s so basic.”
My ex did this and he also put me down when I wanted to talk to my friends. Nobody in my life was good enough for him.
It’s his way of saying your joy is not valid. And slowly, you stop sharing what makes you light up, just to avoid feeling stupid.
But babe, the things you love? They matter. And the right person will light up with you.
Please read this book – Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski – Not just about sexuality, this book is about owning who you are and finding joy without shame.
8. He tells you “You’re too sensitive” when you call him out
When you try to explain that something hurt your feelings, he shuts you down.
“You’re overreacting.”
“God, you’re so sensitive.”
“You take everything the wrong way.”
These phrases are designed to make you question your own reality. It’s gaslighting in disguise. And it’s a favorite weapon of people who don’t want to be held accountable.
Your feelings are valid. Period.
9. He gives you attention only when you’re down
Ever notice how he’s extra sweet when you’re feeling low? Like suddenly he’s attentive when you’re sad or insecure—but kinda distant when you’re confident?
That’s manipulation.
He wants you dependent on his crumbs of validation. So he feeds your insecurity, then swoops in to soothe it.
It’s not affection. It’s control.
10. You feel like you’re constantly trying to “prove” yourself
You’re always explaining your worth. Defending your choices.
Justifying your past.
You feel like you’re in a job interview every time you hang out.
Negging makes you feel like you’re never enough. And so, you keep trying. You overgive. Over-explain. Overthink.
And it’s exhausting.
Love shouldn’t feel like a test you’re always failing.
Read this book Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab – A practical, powerful book to help you stop over-explaining and reclaim your worth.
11. You’re constantly confused about where you stand
Some days he’s sweet. Other days he’s cold.
One minute he’s flirting. The next, he’s criticizing your every move. You’re left wondering—what did I do wrong?
That’s exactly where he wants you. Confused. Off-balance. Needing his approval to feel okay.
But listen, clarity is kindness. Mixed signals are a form of emotional manipulation.
If someone wanted to treat you well, you’d know. And you wouldn’t need a blog post to decode it.
I get that sometimes the drama is attractive – but as you grow older, you start to value peace and stability more.
Because at the end of the day, you want someone who will accept you for who you are – not for what you can do for them.
Please read Dodging Energy Vampires by Christiane Northrup – Learn how to protect your energy from people who thrive on draining it.
Conclusion
Negging is not just harmless teasing. It’s a tactic used to break you down while keeping you around.
It’s subtle, it’s confusing, and it always makes you feel like you’re walking on eggshells just to earn scraps of validation.
But you don’t need to shrink yourself to be loved.
You don’t have to stick around waiting for someone to change.
You are allowed to walk away from anything that makes you feel small.
And you are worthy of a love that feels like peace, not punishment.
If this post hits close to home, be gentle with yourself. You’re not alone.
And you’re already stronger than you think, just by noticing it.
