Last Updated on September 4, 2024 by Angela Vaz
I recently watched Colleen Hoover’s Movie – It Ends With Us.
I’d read the book before and I already knew the themes it would cover.
But the movie still sent me into shock.
The moment the movie ended, I knew I had to write this post.
I cannot in my wildest dreams understand why anyone would romanticize domestic abuse.
I’m talking about several women who sided with Ryle – the abusive husband who was also charming and good-looking.
It made me realize that most women are willing to give men a chance because they truly believe they will change.
I wish it were the case.
In 2010, I met a person I’d eventually fall in love with.
I ignored all the red flags while dating and married him in 4.5 years.
I stayed married to him for another 4.5 years even though he physically and emotionally abused me.
I finally divorced him after I realized he was cheating on me and had run away with the other lady (who also happened to be married).
It was a mess right from the start and I can honestly say that my life improved after leaving.
There was SO. MUCH. PEACE.
There are a few things I want to point out first:
- It takes a lot of courage to leave (you battle with divorce every day afterward)
- The transitioning period is very messy (it takes time to settle into a new routine)
- I did find love again later(I spent a lot of time being single and focused on healing first)
- Even if I never found love, I’d have still left him
- I wasn’t necessarily happy right after leaving (I cried every day) but I wasn’t scared or angry. I will choose sadness over fear/trauma any day.
Why am I writing this post?
Because I want no other woman to go through what I did.
Those years affected my mental health and I needed to heal so much to get back to being a normal person.
For years after that relationship, I was terrified of loud noises and I’d apologize profusely for any tiny thing (even bumping into someone accidentally).
Looking back at my relationship, I can now point out where things went wrong in our relationship.
I can also point out all the times I should have left.
But back then, I paid no attention.
It’s easy to see things clearly when time has passed and you’re looking at it from the outside in.
So, if you’re questioning your relationship/marriage and want to know if you should divorce him, this post will help.
My name is Angela and I have a degree in Psychology and Human Relationships.
Let’s begin.
This post contains affiliate links, meaning I may make a commission at no extra cost to you if you decide to click on a link and purchase something. Click here to read the full disclaimer.
1. He raised a hand on you
Everyone has gone through crap.
It doesn’t give them a reason to hit you or anybody else.
Understand that.
No matter what trauma he’s been through and how sorry he is – please don’t sweep it under the rug.
Once is more than plenty – LEAVE.
No man ever hits a woman once and then becomes a changed man.
It has never happened.
It is only the beginning of something more awful to come.
I ask you this: Has he hit his boss? Has he hit his mother?
If the answer is yes, then you’re dealing with a violent man – and that’s all the more reason to leave.
If the answer is no, it means he respects his boss and mother way more than he respects you. Use this as the reason to leave.
By staying, you’re allowing him to disrespect you.
Show yourself the love you deserve and leave this person.
For you.
For your children.
2. He threatens you with divorce
No couple is 100% amicable.
Every couple has their differences.
It’s up to both of you to sit down together and talk about it like grown-up adults.
Sometimes, things get out of hand – yes.
And sometimes voices are raised.
But threatening divorce is a very immature thing to do.
It’s emotional manipulation at its finest.
And you don’t want to live with a man who uses your fear to make you stay in the relationship.
It has already tipped the scales and made him the more dominant person in the relationship.
He is using your fear to assert control and make you stay in the relationship – the relationship is no longer stable and has already become toxic.
A relationship needs to be balanced and healthy with both partners being 50-50.
3. He makes you feel unsafe and terrified
- How do you feel when your husband enters the room or calls you on your phone?
- Do you feel happy and safe or does your heart start racing because you’re genuinely scared?
- Do you feel comfortable telling him anything and everything or do you filter out things because of the way he’ll handle it?
- Do you feel safe confiding in him? Or do you feel he’ll turn it against you?
These are all things you need to consider.
If he makes you feel unsafe – you need to leave.
Trust your feelings.
Understand that you deserve so much more.
You deserve to be in a relationship where you feel loved and wanted.
But if you leave, make sure you have a plan:
- Create a Safety Plan: If you decide to leave, it’s important to do so in a way that ensures your safety. This might involve having a safe place to go, informing trusted friends or family members, and possibly seeking help from a professional, such as a counselor or an organization that supports individuals in unsafe situations.
- Seek Support: You don’t have to go through this alone. Reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or professional who can provide emotional support and practical assistance. There are also organizations and hotlines specifically designed to help people in situations where they feel unsafe in their relationships.
- Legal Considerations: Depending on the situation, you may need to consider legal options, such as obtaining a restraining order or seeking legal advice about your rights. A legal professional can guide you through these steps if necessary.
- Prioritize Your Health: Being in a situation where you feel terrified can have serious impacts on your mental and physical health. Leaving an unsafe environment is crucial to protect your health and well-being.
4. He demeans you constantly
It isn’t as simple as it sounds.
It doesn’t matter whether he is making fun your physical appearance or your hobbies or your work – it isn’t something to be tolerated.
It’s not a light situation.
There is more to it than meets the eye.
Understand this: When a man demeans you, he is doing it with the intention to lower your self-esteem.
He doesn’t want you to feel good about yourself because he wants to feel in control and wants to keep you tethered to the relationship.
This is a form of emotional abuse.
If you feel like you don’t deserve better – that’s what he’s wanted all along.
If you feel like nobody else will love you like he has, that’s also what he wants.
It doesn’t matter if that’s the kind of environment he grew up with. You are not his therapist and he shouldn’t be treating you that way.
When he demeans you, he wants you to feel like he is the only one you can depend on.
Over time, you might even start believing the things he’s saying, because he’s doing it so often.
But I implore you, please walk away.
You don’t need this kind of abuse.
My ex constantly told me I was ugly and at one point I started believing it.
It was only after I left, I realized how hurt he was to say those things to me.
5. His family is insufferable (and he does nothing to help it)
I genuinely feel for you if you’ve married a man whose family treats you like crap.
I was in the same situation and I kept thinking that if I gave my more love, he’d move away from his family and start thinking for himself.
But it never happened.
At the end of the day, if your husband constantly sides with his family even though he knows how they’re treating you, then he’s made his choice.
He really doesn’t value you as his wife – you will always come second.
You may want to sacrifice and believe that it’s okay, but it’s not.
Please don’t push aside your happiness for the sake of the marriage.
You deserve to be happy.
You can try having a discussion with him first – see if the situation is salvageable.
But if you notice that nothing is changing and things continue to get worse for you – please leave.
6. He doesn’t let you socialize
It’s the same thing as:
- He is over-possessive and overly jealous
- He harasses you every time you leave the house with constant texts asking you about your whereabouts
- He starts a fight every time you talk to someone
I put up with this for my entire relationship.
I initially thought that he was jealous of my guy friends, so I stopped talking to EVERYONE that was male to make him happy.
Eventually, I had to cut off my girlfriends, because he felt they weren’t good enough.
He’d label them as “sluts” or “bitches.”
I had only 1 girlfriend whom I spoke to secretly on the phone – she was my only friend and she helped me when I got out of this relationship.
I need you to understand this: this is borderline abuse.
When your husband cuts you off from people “to protect you” or because he “doesn’t trust them” it means he’s controlling you.
Yes, men will look at you and make advances – but this is something all women go through.
If he trusts you, why should it be a problem?
If a man is controlling you and asking you to not hang out with certain people, he is already enforcing his dominance and control – he is viewing you as property.
You are no longer in an equal relationship.
Get this.
Recognize that this is abusive behavior and communicate your needs. If he does not attempt to change, it’s time to leave.
You are not a child – you are a grown-up adult.
Reconnect with your friends.
My friends were the people that helped me after I got out of my abusive relationship. They stood by my side and helped me broaden my circle. They listened to me all hours of the night and helped me get back my confidence.
7. He constantly reminds you that it’s his money and not yours
My ex was very money-hungry.
He constantly urged me to ask my parents for money to pay our bills. He refused to live within our means and he wouldn’t let me get a job either.
So I was forced to start an online business – but it was my biggest achievement because this allowed me to save and build a nest egg.
When I left him, I had funds to rely on.
This is why I always encourage women to save and build a nest eggw.
Your savings allow you to move out if anything happens.
And please trust me when I say that ANYTHING can happen.
If you have kids, that is a better reason you need to save and have your own account.
Either way, get out quickly.
If you have been a stay-at-home mom, please understand that you have sacrificed your time and stayed at home to be a parent and a wife to your husband.
It doesn’t mean you have to depend on him for money or ask his permission to spend it – it’s equally yours.
And if he’s controlling the purse strings and being very controlling, you are no longer in a healthy relationship.
You must have a talk with him and if things don’t change – leave.
8. He is very threatened by your success
I remember when my earnings crossed that of my ex.
I assumed that it would make him happy because we now had more money to spend and we could live a better life.
But the exact opposite happened.
He constantly felt I was throwing it in his face when I paid the bills. I was not allowed to talk about my money and every time I did, it created a fight.
Everything I did made him upset – his ego always got hurt.
He constantly told me that blogging or drawing wasn’t a real job anyway and one day it would all go away. He always made me feel small.
And I want you to know that if you are in a similar situation, don’t even hesitate – just leave.
If you’ve tried everything there is, couple’s counselling, talking to him, being kind and understanding and things aren’t improving – leave.
9. He refuses to change
I have the most gentle and loving partner and we are completing 3 years together.
One thing I love about him (that I realized was completely different from my ex) is that he is always willing to listen and improve himself.
This motivates me to become a better partner to him too.
See, nobody is perfect.
We all have our flaws and quirks.
But the thing is, if your partner is not willing to change or refuses to even see the problem where there is one, it’s difficult to build a life with this person.
Let’s say you’re overworked.
Maybe you’re tired and cranky because you do everything around the house, you take care of the kids and you have zero energy at the end of the day.
If you’ve communicated to your husband time and time again to take over certain responsibilities and chores and he never does, it’s time to consider a divorce.
Please remember that a relationship is always 50-50.
If he has time for his hobbies and you don’t – something is amiss.
I urge you to evaluate the imbalance first.
Understand that your resentment and tiredness are building up and it’s going to affect your relationship with your husband – it is also going to influence your children.
They will grow up believing that a woman has to do everything and men don’t.
You can also try counseling but if you realize that you have evolved in this relationship and he isn’t – then you should consider ending this relationship.
10. Every decision is ultimately made by him
If you feel like you are subdued and your opinions don’t matter – please realize that you’re not in a healthy relationship.
If every decision has to finally be made by your husband and he doesn’t even listen to what you have to say – you need to have a word with him.
Remember that every relationship is 50-50.
This is a partnership.
He doesn’t own you and no matter how much you love your husband, that love has to go both ways.
This is why it is so important to communicate everything and take a decision together.
Sometimes you have to compromise and sometimes he has to as well.
If the ball is always in his court and you quite literally cannot say anything without drama ensuing, it isn’t right.
Please consider leaving if you have tried talking to him and things don’t get better.
11. He doesn’t respect your personal space
A lot of men cannot take no for an answer.
Worse, they are unable to read body language and believe that when women say no or refuse their advances – it means that they’re playing hard to get.
If the man you are with doesn’t respect your boundaries – know that this is not okay. Here is what it will look like:
- Ignoring verbal or non-verbal cues. If he constantly ignores your requests regarding your personal space or physical contact – it indicates a lack of respect for your boundaries and autonomy. This can manifest as invading your personal space, touching you without your consent (especially if you’ve made it clear you are uncomfortable), or persisting even after you’ve refused multiple times.
- Dismissing your discomfort: If he minimizes your feelings of discomfort regarding physical actions – it means he prioritizes his comfort and needs over your well-being.
Please know that marital rape exists.
I think as women, we are often taught to go with the flow and do anything to make the man happy.
But this is far from the truth.
And a lot of us have had experiences where we’ve been coerced into doing something we do not like.
It is absolutely crucial to be with someone who respects your personal space and physical boundaries and who values open communication and consent.
Your comfort and autonomy should always be respected – and if he behaves in a way that violates that – there is no excuse.
Run.
Don’t just leave – run from a man who puts his needs before your well-being in this situation.
Final takeaway
I know leaving isn’t easy.
But I will say this again: Try everything before you leave. Try talking and counseling.
But if your partner isn’t making any progress or you can’t approach these conversations without a huge fight/violence ensuing – then you need to remove yourself from the situation as early as possible.
Don’t do it for your kids, do it for yourself.
Love yourself.
Your relationship is only going to get harder with time.
If your husband is violent or abusive, please reach out to a hotline in your country by looking it up on Google.
Find someone you can trust (make sure it’s not his contact). Don’t trust even his parents/family because their loyalty will most likely make them side with him.
Find someone unbiased.
If there is anything you’re taking away from this post – please love yourself.
It’s okay to be single, it’s better than being in a miserable relationship.
Give this person a chance but also don’t be afraid to walk away when you see that he is not treating you right.
If you find this post useful, you can also share it on Pinterest to help raise awareness to more women:
Here are some more posts you may find useful:
- 17 red flags you can’t ignore when you’re dating
- Finding Peace: How to Stop Thinking About Someone Who Hurt You
- 13 Signs He Feels Inferior to You + What to Do About It
- 17 Unmistakable Situationship Red Flags that You Should Heed
- What I Did to Get Over the Fear of Being Cheated on
- I hated my ex-husband, what I did to stop and move on
