Last Updated on April 8, 2023 by Angela Vaz

Ever since I was old enough to be in a romantic relationship, I knew that it was what I wanted.

I never ever wanted to be in a situationship because I always gave 100% and I expected the same from my future partner.

Everyone is different.

Everyone has different wants and needs and they need to find a partner whose needs and wants are similar.

But the last thing you want is to find yourself in a situationship especially when your mind, heart, and body want to be in a committed relationship.

If everyone was honest with their wants and needs, this post wouldn’t be necessary.

But a lot of people lie.

They say they want a loving relationship but in reality, they are not keen to give more than they are ready to give.

They want the comfort of having you whenever they want you.

And the first step towards self-love is to rid yourself of these people.

Because at the end of the day, the longer you stay in a situationship, the longer you are going without real, honest love.

There are 8 billion people out there.

And a lot of them are people who want to be in real, loving, committed relationships.

So, if you are unsure whether you are in a situationship, please read further.

All of these points are based on my experiences and my friend’s experiences in relationships.

Let’s dive in.

But before that really quick, get my free guide on how to really reset your life.

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1. They don’t know what they want

they don't know what they want

When you first start dating, you’re testing the field.

It’s normal.

Nobody can divide within 10 minutes that you’re the person they’re going to spend the rest of their life with unless there’s something more sinister going on.

It’s okay to take your time and date.

That’s what dating is – it’s data collection.

You’re both getting to know each other and you’re both trying to understand whether you are a good fit for each other.

But if they clearly state that they are not sure whether they want a relationship or they’re just not sure about where this is going, you shouldn’t get dragged into that mess.

Ask yourself if this is the kind of uncertainty you are okay living with.

Are you okay with being someone that they are willing to lose?

Because if someone truly loves you, they’re not going to risk losing you, especially over something like this.

So, if you have spent a considerable amount of time dating and they are still not sure whether they want to be with you or not, or they’re unclear of how to put a label on it – it may be time to call it quits.

Please don’t feel bad ending something like this.

It just means that you are sure of what you want, and they are not. It’s not a right fit and that’s okay.

The sooner you accept that not everyone is cut out for you, the easier it is to find what you are looking for.

2. You don’t feel like they are putting in 100%

they aren't putting in 100%

I remember dating a very mellow guy when I was single.

I had gone on a long trip and he told me over the phone that he was eager for me to come back.

When I arrived, I went straight to his house to drop off a gift (I had traveled non-stop for 18 hours) I had bought for him and he muted the television behind me and continued to watch it while I talked.

It was at that moment I realized that this was not what I wanted. I felt like I was not being listened to – I felt unvalued.

I recalled every date being the same – where I would talk and he would be focusing on other things like his phone or other people. The attention and focus was not being reciprocated.

I envisioned our entire lives being like that if I ever did get serious with him.

I called it off.

If you feel like the scales are tipped off and you are doing everything in your power to show this person affection and love and you’re not getting back anything – it’s not worth it.

I’m in a relationship now where my partner gives me 200%.

Not always – he’s not a superhero.

But he never stops trying.

When I’m tired, he’s there for me, and vice versa. We constantly support each other and we always give each other attention.

3. They don’t make you feel secure

he doesn't make you feel secure

I’ve been in a relationship where I constantly felt that my partner had to be with me because I felt insecure.

He would not tell his friends and colleagues that he was dating me and he never told his parents.

He constantly hid his relationship from others because he was scared that people would judge him for dating a divorcee.

I tolerated it for a long time before I realized that things were never going to change.

If you have been dating a person who doesn’t make you feel like you’re enough or you’re all that he needs in a partner, there is something wrong.

It could be your gut telling you that this is just not meant to be.

When you are dating someone who wants the same things as you, dating should feel like a blessing or a walk in the park.

With my current partner, I feel safe.

I sleep soundly when he is partying all night with friends or even when he’s in another city because I know that there is nothing to worry about.

I’m not worried about:

  • Him cheating
  • Him meeting somebody else
  • Him breaking things off

I know deep down that both of us have been looking for ages for a partner like each other and we finally found what we had been looking for.

We both put a lot of effort into our relationship and we constantly tell each other about our plans and our dreams.

We are so happy in our relationship that I have zero worries.

So, ask yourself if you feel secure.

Do you feel like your relationship is sound and the foundation is strong?

If not, ask yourself why. What is the reason why you don’t feel safe?

This brings me to my next point…

4. They hate talking about the future

they hate talking about the future

If you have a partner who constantly avoids talking about the future, then this is a huge situationship red flag.

It could be something as simple as wanting to know where this is headed or even trying to understand where you stand in their life.

They’ll say things like:

  • Do we really have to put a label on it?
  • Can’t we see where it’s going?
  • Do we have to talk about this now?
  • Why do you keep bringing this up?
  • I’m not comfortable discussing this.
  • We’re having fun, let’s just leave it at that.
  • Can’t we just focus on the present?

They’ll constantly evade any question you have for them that involves the future.

They’ll be very hesitant to show you off or discuss you with the important or stable people they have in their life.

They’ll convince you that keeping your relationship a secret is fun.

Please understand that this is normal in the first few weeks of dating.

Like I said earlier, at that point, you are just getting to know each other and seeing if you both are a great fit.

But as time moves on, if you feel like there is no talk about the future or everything is stagnant – this is a huge situationship red flag.

5. They only call you when they are bored

they only call you when they are bored

If you feel like your partner never makes time for you but only calls you as a last resort or when they’re bored, this is definitely a situationship.

A relationship requires a lot of effort from both sides.

And if you feel that you’re constantly dropping things off and putting your partner first but they aren’t doing the same for you – the balance is definitely off.

If your partner always tells you that they’re busy but expect you to drop everything at a moment’s notice to go out with them – then please understand it’s not fair to you.

This is a huge sign that your partner:

  • Doesn’t value your respect your time
  • Doesn’t believe that you have important things to do with your life
  • Is only interested in their well-being

All of these are situationship red flags.

6. They ghost you periodically

they ghost you periodically

My ex would do this to me.

He’d go off home and disappear for days.

He wouldn’t return my texts or calls.

But he’d be extremely offended if I missed his call even once or didn’t leave him multiple messages telling him I was thinking of him.

It was an extremely one-sided relationship.

And I’m not blaming him – I take equal responsibility for encouraging this. I could have left anytime I wanted but I didn’t.

I waited for things to get better and they got worse.

Ghosting is unforgivable.

I know so many people who do this to their partners and it’s just such a horrible thing to do to someone.

If your partner ghosts you for days or weeks, let them go.

They do not deserve you and are not capable of having adult conversations or talking about their feelings.

Everybody needs space but this is something that needs to be communicated.

For whatever reason your partner chooses to take space, they should tell you about it or there should be a mutual understanding.

Ghosting for days on end or weeks is not normal.

7. You can never count on them when you need them the most

you can never count on them when you need them

This is one of the reasons it’s so important to be independent.

But let’s say you are in an honest jam and you ask your partner for a favor, ask yourself how they react most of the time.

Do they genuinely make time to help you out?

Or do they make excuses or are just unreachable?

Do you feel like you can rely on your partner during tough times or do you feel a lack of support in the relationship?

These are questions you need to ask yourself.

It’s very difficult for a person on the internet to give you advice because every situation and relationship is different.

So these are things you need to think about.

You need to assess the relationship and ask yourself if you are truly happy.

As I mentioned earlier, many people are okay with situationships because that’s what they want.

But if you want a committed relationship and you want a loving, supportive, and loyal partner – you deserve to have that.

So if your current partner is not making you feel safe, loved, and secure and you’re constantly having to do everything yourself or you feel like it’s very one-sided – it’s time to leave.

8. There are too many highs and lows

there are too many highs and lows

I personally know a couple like this.

They’re either extremely romantic and are making love 24/7 or they have huge, incredible fights that go on for months where they do not talk to each other.

They are the definition of a toxic relationship.

Again, no relationship exists that is all fine and dandy.

Ups and downs exist in every single relationship – romantic or otherwise.

But if you feel like your relationship is a rollercoaster where you are either making love or screaming your lungs out at each other and crying – it’s not okay.

This is not just a huge situationship red flag, it also means that your relationship is defined by toxic communication.

9. They are dating other people

he is dating other people

Again, in the beginning, it’s okay to not be sure of things.

But 2-3 weeks down the line, if you are still just an option to this person and this person cannot make up their mind, it may mean:

  • They do not know what they want from life
  • They are not monogamous but at the same time are not honest with you
  • They have no intention of tying themselves down to one person
  • You are too lax with your boundaries
  • You’ve not told them that you’re looking for a serious relationship

If you are not okay with being one of the many options for this person – put your foot down.

As long as you let people like this have their way, you are going to be unhappy because this is not what you want.

Find someone who wants the same things you do and shows it with their words and actions.

If this person is telling you that they only want to be in a monogamous relationship but their actions are saying something else – leave.

10. Your relationship never leaves the bedroom

your relationship never leaves the bedroom

You have very good chemistry and you both have very passionate sex but that’s all it ever is.

Every time you meet them, you feel like all they want to do is take your clothes off.

They make you feel sexy all the time.

This is good, of course. Sex is a very integral factor in every single relationship.

But if your relationship is based solely on sex, then what else is there?

How long is that going to last?

You have to be very honest with yourself and ask yourself if you see this relationship being more than anything physical.

Take a good, long look at your relationship and ask yourself if it’s always going to be this way.

11. You are confused about the relationship

you are confused about the relationship

You find it very hard to describe your relationship to anyone who matters to you.

You yourself don’t understand it.

Sometimes this person makes you feel that you are all they need.

Yet, they have so many issues that never seem to end. Everything is all about them.

So, take some time to figure out where your relationship is headed and what is actually going on.

Sit down and discuss this with your partner calmly and rationally.

And then take a decision.

12. You don’t talk about important things

you don't talk about important things

You talk a lot or you feel like you talk a lot but you don’t talk about things that really matter.

You don’t talk about your goals or aspirations.

Or even if you do, you realize that both of your goals and aspirations are very different.

Maybe you want to travel and they don’t want to.

Or you want kids and they don’t want to.

But you both enjoy the time you spend together so much that you are scared to discuss it further.

You feel like if you dwell too much on these topics, they’ll leave.

Or they’ll realize that you both are very different and they’ll find someone better.

Please don’t stay in a relationship because you’re scared of losing them.

This is such a wrong reason to stay in a relationship.

You should never stay in a relationship out of fear.

If at any point you have realized that both of you have different goals, values, and aspirations – talk about it.

Reach a consensus and decide if it’s the right idea to spend time together or

13. They haven’t introduced you to their family and friends

he hasn't introduced you to friends and family

If you’ve been dating your partner for a long time now and they have said that they love you and have made it very clear that you both are a couple but have shown no interest in introducing you to their circles – know that something is wrong.

This is a huge situationship red flag.

It means that they are keeping you a secret because they don’t feel comfortable acknowledging that you are a big part of their lives.

It could also mean that they don’t feel you are permanent in any way.

If after months or even years, you still haven’t met their friends or family – find out why.

And then assess if the relationship is worth staying in.

14. Their behavior is unstable

their behaviour is unstable

At times if your partner is incredibly sweet and caring and otherwise they are harsh and cold with you – something is off.

It means that they are not stable or they don’t see you as a person they revere and love.

Either way, you are going to find it very difficult to build a relationship with such a person.

So take some time to figure out if this is something you can really do.

If you find that this relationship requires a lot of effort or you are constantly tiptoeing on eggshells around this person – then you need to ask yourself if this relationship is worth it.

15. They keep secrets from you

they keep secrets from you

Again, when you’re in a relationship – you don’t have to tell each other everything.

But if you find that your partner is very secretive and there are constantly things that surprise you about them – then it’s definitely not okay.

If your partner is constantly hiding things like:

  • Who they’re meeting and what they talked about
  • Or never tells you about their life, their career, or their relationships with other people

Then find out why.

Ask them with an open mind and find out why they are not telling you things or being open.

Open communication and honesty are very important for a relationship to thrive.

And it’s the foundation for any strong relationship.

If both of you cannot be open and honest with each other about your expectations and your history – then it’s not going to last.

16. They never involve you in the decision-making process

they never involve you in the decision making process

Even if they discuss a problem with you, they never end up taking your advice or making you feel like you are not worthy enough to contribute to said decision.

You always feel powerless and unworthy because that’s how they make you feel.

This is one of the hugest situationship red flags and almost every decision that even involves you is taken by them.

They either aren’t interested in hearing your input or listen to your input and overrule it with their decision.

Please understand that a relationship is 50-50.

It’s all about give and take.

If you feel like you are not part of the decision process, then this is not an equal partnership.

17. They are emotionally unavailable

they are emotionally unavailable

Like I said earlier, if your partner is always counting on you for everything but never present when you need them – then it’s a situationship.

It’s just not an equal partnership or even a relationship.

Both people in a relationship need to feel loved, cared for, and supported by their partners.

If you have to constantly rely on your parents or friends for emotional support because your partner cannot give you the time of day – then you need to ask yourself if this is a real relationship or a relationship you even want.

How do you know when to give up on a situationship?

You have to remember that life is full of ups and downs.

But if you are constantly unhappy or can’t even remember the last time that this relationship made you happy then you are definitely not in a relationship that is serving you.

You need to ask yourself if you are only happy when your partner is around.

Are you spending all of your free time alone thinking about your partner and when they’ll be with you again? That’s not healthy.

Do they make you feel like you are on a clock and the time they spend with you is never enough? That’s not healthy.

Do they not support you or love you the same way you love and support them? That’s a situationship.

At the end of the day, you need to think about what you want from a relationship.

If you want certain things that you are not getting from this relationship – leave.

Yes, you’re going to be alone for a while.

Yes, you are going to miss them terribly because you have formed an identity with this person – no breakup is easy, it’s like drug withdrawal.

Your body and mind will go through real withdrawal symptoms.

But it’s important to realize that you can love someone with all your heart and know that they are not the right person for you.

Just because you love them and miss them, doesn’t mean you should spend your whole life with them.

Know this.

Accept this.

Also, understand that what you want is out there.

There are people out there who will give you what you want and who also want the same things.

But unless you leave this situationship, heal from this relationship, and move on – you will never find them.

So, you need to let go of this sinking ship and be on your own for a while before you find love again.

I let go of my sinking ship.

I was alone for a long time and I eventually found my current partner. We’d both been hurt badly in our relationships with others.

We found love, solace, and peace with each other and we are happy.

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Angela is a 30 year old Illustrator and Blogger living with her 2 adorable labradors in Bangalore, India. She has a degree in Psychology and Human Relationships from the University of Toronto. When she's not writing her heart out or drawing, you'll find her sipping chai and reading non-fiction books.

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