It’s easy to get fooled by appearances.
Some people are charming, polite, and seem like they’d never hurt a fly.
They smile at the right times, say all the right words, and can make you feel like you’re in safe company.
But sometimes, behind that “nice” exterior, there are patterns of behavior that reveal something very different.
I’ve experienced this more than once, meeting someone who seemed perfectly lovely on the outside, only to realize later that they left me feeling drained, manipulated, or second-guessing myself.
That’s when I learned: being “nice” isn’t the same as being good.
Niceness can be surface-level; goodness comes through in consistent actions, empathy, and respect.
If you’ve ever felt confused about someone who seems kind but leaves you unsettled, here are 11 signs they may not be a good person — even if they look the part.
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1. They’re Nice to You, but Rude to Others
This is such a BIG red flag!
When someone treats you well but disrespects waiters, cashiers, or strangers – stay clear of this person!
Genuine goodness doesn’t switch on and off depending on who’s watching.
I once dated someone who complimented me constantly but snapped at service staff.
Over time, I realized his “niceness” to me wasn’t a reflection of who he truly was, it was a performance.
If you notice this pattern, take it seriously.
You can even start journaling these observations in a daily reflection journal to help you connect the dots.
2. They Love Attention More Than Connection
Some people thrive on being seen as the “nice guy” or the “sweet friend.”
They give compliments loudly, volunteer when everyone is watching, or post endlessly about their good deeds online.
But in private, they don’t show up when it really matters.
A good person isn’t performing kindness for applause. They’re consistent, even when nobody’s looking.
3. You Always Feel Drained After Talking to Them
These are called Energy Vampires.
Pay attention to how you feel after spending time with someone.
A truly good person leaves you feeling lighter, calmer, or more seen.
But if you consistently walk away exhausted, anxious, or second-guessing yourself, that’s a sign.
For example, I had a friend who always smiled and seemed supportive, but every conversation turned into subtle criticism or gossip.
It took me 2 years to realize the “niceness” was a mask.
4. They Hold Grudges and Bring Up the Past
Everyone makes mistakes, but a good person knows how to forgive and move forward.
If someone constantly brings up your past slip-ups, even after you’ve apologized — that’s a sign they’re more interested in control than growth.
I remember once apologizing to someone for being late. Months later, in a completely different argument, they brought it up again just to prove a point. That’s not goodness; that’s score-keeping.
Reading something like a book on boundaries can help you recognize these unhealthy dynamics.
5. Their Niceness Disappears When They Don’t Get Their Way
Some people are sweet and charming until you say “no.”
That’s when their mask slips, they might sulk, guilt-trip you, or get passive-aggressive.
For instance, I had a coworker who offered to help on projects, but the moment I didn’t return the favor, they turned cold and sarcastic.
True kindness doesn’t come with strings attached.
6. They Talk Badly About Everyone Behind Their Back
It might sound harmless at first, just “venting.”
But if someone constantly gossips, criticizes, or shares secrets, eventually they’ll do the same to you.
Niceness isn’t talking sweetly to your face while tearing you down to others.
I had a friend who complimented another girl’s outfit one minute and mocked it the next as soon as she walked away.
That was my wake-up call.
7. They Never Take Responsibility for Their Actions
A good person owns up to their mistakes.
A not-so-good person? They always have an excuse. They’ll blame traffic, bad moods, other people, anyone but themselves.
One time, a friend bailed on me three times in a row and still managed to spin it as my fault for “not reminding them.”
That’s not niceness — that’s deflection.
If you struggle with spotting this, a self-awareness workbook can help you reflect on patterns in your relationships.
8. They Dismiss Your Feelings Subtly
This is one of the hardest signs to spot.
They don’t outright insult you, but they minimize your feelings with phrases like “You’re too sensitive,” or “Don’t make a big deal out of it.” Over time, this erodes your self-trust.
A genuinely good person validates your emotions even if they don’t agree with them.
Someone who always brushes them aside is quietly telling you they don’t care.
9. They Only Reach Out When They Need Something
Niceness can look like checking in with you… but only when they want a favor, advice, or emotional support.
You notice that when you need them, they’re suddenly unavailable.
I had a friend who would text me nonstop when they were upset, but when I wanted to talk, they were nowhere to be found.
That’s not a good person — that’s a one-sided relationship.
10. They Make You Feel Guilty for Setting Boundaries
If someone gets upset when you say “no,” it’s not because you did something wrong.
It’s because they don’t respect your boundaries. Nice words don’t make up for manipulative reactions.
A genuinely good person celebrates when you protect your well-being. If someone constantly guilt-trips you, their niceness is just a mask. Books like Set Boundaries, Find Peace can be life-changing in spotting this.
11. Your Gut Keeps Telling You Something’s Off
At the end of the day, trust your instincts.
If someone seems nice but something feels “off,” pay attention.
Our intuition often notices micro-behaviors — a fake smile, a dismissive tone, a subtle manipulation — long before our brains rationalize them.
I ignored my gut about a “nice” friend for years, and when the friendship finally ended badly, I realized my instincts had been right all along.
Final Thoughts
Niceness is easy to fake.
True goodness takes consistency, empathy, and integrity. If you’ve been confused by someone who seems sweet but leaves you feeling uneasy, these signs might be the clarity you need.
And remember: noticing these signs doesn’t make you judgmental — it makes you aware. It means you’re protecting your energy and making space for people who are genuinely kind, not just nice on the surface.
Here are a few more posts you may enjoy:
- 9 Genuine Reasons Why Friends Come and Go
- 12 Genuine Reasons to Let Go of a Friend + How to Do It
- How to Make Friends in Your 30s (What I Did)
- How I Learned to Be Happy Without Friends
- How to Make Real Friends When You Have Social Anxiety
- What to Do When a Grieving Friend Pushes You Away
- 150 Spicy Hot Seat Questions to Ask Your Friends
- 13 Signs She Is Using You for Emotional Support + What to Do
