Last Updated on April 8, 2023 by Angela Vaz
You really like her.
In fact, you often consider what it would be like if both of you were in a committed relationship.
But you are confused.
She mostly calls you to talk about her life and you feel used.
You feel like you’re the one doing all the heavy lifting.
You’re not sure if she even sees you in that way.
She spends a lot of time with you but it’s very one-sided.
Only when she’s free and when she wants to talk does she actually call you.
Maybe she calls to complain about her work, her relationship, her struggles.
And although you genuinely care for her, you don’t know where this is going.
You don’t know how to ask.
You’re afraid you’ll ruin your relationship/friendship if you come right out and say it.
Well, welcome to my life.
I had a friend who called me every day and told me all their problems.
At one point, I began to feel that maybe they liked me – but they didn’t.
They were just using me for emotional support.
In this post, I’m going to talk about all the signs she is using you for emotional support.
I’ll then tell you what you can do if you are in this situation.
Let’s dive in.
But before that really quick, get my free guide on how to really reset your life.
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1. She only reaches out when she needs emotional support
She only calls you when she wants to talk.
She calls you when she wants to complain about her life or talk about her issues and challenges.
And you begin to feel that you mean something to her.
However, when things are going well for her, she’s nowhere to be found.
It’s like she has it all figured out and she has no need for you.
And you can’t help but feel used.
This is a big sign she is using you for emotional support.
2. She doesn’t show an interest in your life
Every conversation and every moment is all about her.
She never asks you what you’re up to or even if she does, she quickly brings the conversation around to her and her life.
She never takes an interest in what you do or asks you about your day or your life.
And usually, when you try to talk about it, she listens for a bit before she tells you what happened in hers.
Initially, it was endearing.
You felt she is just bubbly and probably not aware – but now, you’re beginning to tire of it.
You do want to talk to her about your day too. You want to tell her about your problems and your challenges.
3. She doesn’t reciprocate when you’re down
You’re always there for her when she needs you.
But sometimes you have problems of your own and when you call her to tell her about it, she’s either too busy or changes the conversation to her life and her issues.
This isn’t nice.
And no, you’re right to feel upset.
Any relationship or friendship goes both ways.
And if she can’t reciprocate that support and is never there for you in the same way you are for her – you have every right to feel hurt.
In this case, I recommend that you talk to her about this or consider ending the relationship.
4. She never takes your advice
She doesn’t seem to take your advice or suggestions seriously.
And she ends up doing what she wants instead.
Yes, we are usually blinded by emotional distress. But if we keep repeating a mistake over and over and expect different results – then something isn’t right there.
If you feel that you constantly are giving her good advice, but she does the opposite and then calls you to tell you about it blew up in her face – then you need to ask yourself if this is worth it.
At the end of the day, your emotional well-being matters.
And if you feel drained by the constant repetition, then you have every right to end the relationship.
5. She constantly cancels plans
Whenever you crave her company or want to talk to her, she tells you she’s busy.
She’ll give you reasons like she’s emotionally not okay or just wants to be alone.
Or she tells you she’s hanging out with someone else and asks you to understand.
If this happens more than normal, you have every right to be upset.
Especially if you cast aside everything to be with her or talk to her.
This simply means that you aren’t her priority and she is using you for emotional support.
6. She doesn’t respect your boundaries
Sometimes she calls you at odd hours or hours she knows you’re busy.
It’s almost as if she doesn’t care that you have your own life.
And even though you’ve tried telling her that you’re busy, she tells you it’s only going to take 5 minutes and proceeds to talk to you for a whole hour or more.
If a person doesn’t respect your boundaries, they genuinely do not care for you as much as you think they do.
I’ve learned this from experience and years of relationships and friendships.
If you tell her that you cannot talk or it’s difficult for you to talk and she doesn’t understand or gaslight you into believing you’re not being a good friend – please consider ending the relationship.
You deserve to have someone in your life who respects your boundaries.
7. She doesn’t make an effort to understand your feelings
You are always there for her.
You are always there to support and guide her.
But you genuinely cannot understand why she doesn’t do the same for you.
Initially, you put it off, believing that she just had too much going on.
But now it’s getting to you.
And you have every right to be upset.
If you spend a lot of time comforting her and being there for her but she doesn’t spare any time to listen to you or your feelings – chances are this relationship is very one-sided.
Please understand that a friendship or relationship works when both people care for each other and support one another.
You can’t have a friendship where you’re constantly putting in the effort and she isn’t.
8. She doesn’t express gratitude often
You always give her time and attention, but it’s rarely appreciated.
I love my best friends to death.
But even if we do each other extremely tiny favors, we say thank you. We appreciate each other just for being there.
This is how relationships and friendships work.
The support and appreciation go both ways.
And if she’s not saying “thank you” or reciprocating the time and attention you put into this relationship, chances are she is using you for emotional support.
9. She is constantly surrounded by drama
No matter how much time has passed, she always is surrounded by drama.
In fact, she’s like a bad luck magnet.
At first, you thought it was unfair. How could life be so cruel to just 1 person?
But as you keep listening to her, you realize that she is infact drawn to it.
Even when given a choice, she always chooses the road that has more drama.
At this point, you need to ask yourself if this is what you want to be surrounded by.
Because just like how she likes drama, you are too surrounding yourself with a person who chooses to be in it.
I had a friend who was like this.
She constantly dated “bad boys” because she wanted adventure. She would also date guys who were already in committed relationships. She always ignored the red flags despite everyone’s protests.
She would then get hurt and sob for weeks on end before moving on to someone just like the previous guy.
At one point, we realized that our advice was falling on deaf ears.
So, we eventually stopped giving her advice.
Needless to say, you are only going to ruin your emotional health by trying to cure hers.
If you feel that she constantly chases drama or is always in the midst of it – you need to decide if this is right for you.
You cannot change her, but you do have control over whom you associate with and talk to.
10. She doesn’t care about your goals
- Do you feel like you’re talking to a wall when you decide to open up?
- Does the conversation somehow go back to her life even though you’re talking about yours?
- Does she spend time listening to you, your dreams, and your aspirations?
If you feel like she’s the hero and you’re always on the sidelines, then yes – she is using you for emotional support.
And she does not care about you as much as you think she does.
Please know that if she doesn’t care about listening to you, then she’s just going to replace you the day you can’t talk to her or the day you can’t give her advice.
Because all she cares about is her needs.
11. She never takes responsibility for her own wellbeing
Does she blame everyone and everything for her misery?
It’s never her fault but always someone else’s?
Maybe she blames her ex-partner for her relationship breaking?
Or she blames her boss entirely for everything that went down?
Or it’s the government or the system because nothing in her life seems to be going right?
Look, here’s the thing.
Bad stuff happens to everyone.
But at some point, we need to take responsibility for our actions.
My ex-partner abused me and cheated on me. But I never put the blame on him 100%.
I took responsibility because I didn’t pay attention to the red flags and I voluntarily stayed in that relationship longer than I should have.
I could have left – I didn’t. I took my time and waited till things became unbearable before leaving.
But eventually, we all need to take responsibility for our actions.
At some point, we can leave – we can change, we can start over.
I’m not saying every situation is like this, but a lot of situations are fixable.
But if all she does is ever complain without taking action or making some effort to change her life – then yes, she is using you for emotional support.
12. She depends on you entirely
It’s extremely unhealthy for a person to lean on 1 person entirely.
This is not right.
If she doesn’t have a support network outside of you and you are her sole emotional support system – this is not going to work.
It is dangerous for her and for you.
Both of you are going to form incredibly unhealthy attachments to each other and she is going to make you her rock.
Although the media romanticizes this – this isn’t right.
She needs to have other friends in her life so that she is emotionally strong and independent.
13. She doesn’t seem to be making progress
No matter how much advice you give her and how much time she takes for herself – she doesn’t seem to make any progress in addressing her emotional issues.
See, I’m going to say it – Shit happens.
Nobody’s life is a walk in the park.
Almost everyone goes through bad relationships, we lose our jobs, and we lose someone close to us.
But there is only so much time you can pause your life and lean on someone else.
At some point, everybody needs to take responsibility for their lives and move on.
And if you’ve been comforting her and consoling her for months or years, and she has made close to zero progress – perhaps you may need to reevaluate the situation.
How to deal with a girl that is using you?
Honestly, if most of these signs hold true, then yes – she is using you for emotional support.
What I will say is this: focus on your life.
You need to start loving yourself more.
You have a co-dependent relationship.
Meaning just as much as she is dependent on you, you too are dependent on her.
You need to realize that you have to take care of yourself too.
And if this is not going anywhere, or you are beginning to feel emotionally drained and tired after every call – you can put a stop to it.
It’s okay to have a conversation with her and draw boundaries.
You need to protect your own emotional well-being.
Be polite and kind.
Tell her that you are going through something and explain to her that it’s becoming increasingly difficult for you to entertain all her calls.
Tell her you need time.
People who depend on others for their own emotional well-being will often latch on to someone else once their host leaves.
So, if she is understanding and is a good friend/partner – she will understand.
If not, she may throw a hissy fit or completely shut you off.
This is going to hurt – I am not going to lie.
But the truth is, it’s better to be around people who are emotionally mature and can take care of themselves.
So, let’s break this down.
1. Set boundaries
You need to be clear with her about what you’re willing to do and how much emotional support you can provide.
This is not rude. This is called putting yourself first.
Let her know when it’s not a good time to talk and when you need space.
2. Communicate your feelings
If you are finding it difficult to talk to her because you are developing feelings, then tell her that.
Explain how her behavior is affecting you.
You can be honest and you should. Tell her exactly what you need from the relationship/friendship.
3. Encourage her to seek professional help
At the end of the day, you aren’t her therapist.
And her latching onto you is going to impact your emotional well-being.
So, if her issues are too much for her to bear, encourage her to talk to a therapist or counselor who can help her work through her emotional issues.
4. Focus on your own wellbeing
Start putting yourself first – make yourself a priority.
You need to take care of your emotional needs.
Please surround yourself with positive relationships and activities that bring you immense joy.
5. Consider ending this relationship
If you’ve tried to set boundaries and communicate your needs but she doesn’t respect them or respect you – then it may be time to consider ending this relationship/friendship.
Please understand that you need to prioritize your own well-being.
You can’t take care of others if you don’t take care of yourself.
You may really like her or love her, but it’s not going to benefit either of you if you stay in a relationship with someone that isn’t fulfilling or healthy for you.
You deserve to be in a relationship where both partners feel cared for and loved. The support needs to go both ways.
Don’t be afraid to take control of the situation and make decisions that are best for you!
Here are some posts that you may find helpful:
- 12 Genuine Reasons Why You Want a Girlfriend So Badly
- Can’t Stand the Thought of Her With Someone Else – What to Do
- I Know She Likes Me But She Rejected Me – Why and What to Do
- Your Ex-Girlfriend is Happy with Someone Else – What to do?
- Do They Like You? 11 Reasons Why Your Crush is Staring at You
- 13 Undeniable Signs Your Needs Aren’t Being Met + What to Do
- 13 Polite Ways to Handle Unsolicited Advice [What I Did]
- How to Rebuild your Life After Losing Everything that Matters
- Finding Peace: How to Stop Thinking About Someone Who Hurt You
- Why and How I Stopped Overexplaining Myself in Arguments
- How to Give Yourself Grace (When You Feel Low)
- 17 Unmistakable Situationship Red Flags that You Should Heed
- 7 Reasons Why Your Ex Blocked You Out of Nowhere + What to Do
- 49 Fun Things to Do When Bored at Home With Friends
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- What to Know About Dating Someone Your Friend Slept with