Last Updated on January 17, 2023 by Angela Vaz

You never thought it would end, but it did.

You are heartbroken.

And you miss her very much.

You can’t stand the thought of her with someone else, it drives you crazy.

And you’re unable to cope.

You’ve tried everything but you just cannot get over it.

In this post, I’m going to talk about what you can do to actually move on.

I’ll talk about tips that worked for me and friends who have been in the same place as you.

Because when you’ve lived in this world for long enough, you are going to have to experience rejections, breakups, and loss once or a few times.

It’s just something that happens.

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1. Understand that she’s made her choice

understand she's made her choice

It’s very difficult to stop overthinking once a relationship is over.

You will go down that route of could-haves and would-haves.

Don’t.

This overthinking is not going to bring back the relationship you lost.

It doesn’t matter who broke up with you.

But at the end of the day, if the relationship was meant to work out, it would have.

When my ex and I broke up, I was in denial for a week.

I kept thinking that only if he had better parents, he’d have chosen me.

They made him choose, it’s not his fault.

But with time, I began to see that if he really loved me, he would have stood up for me.

He had made the decision to date me and he changed his mind the minute his parents emotionally blackmailed him.

No matter what the reason, the relationship ended.

Maybe you felt that things were perfect.

Maybe you felt that she was a good person.

But you have to realize that you are seeing it from your point of view.

Her point of view may be completely different.

It’s okay to lose.

You need to let go and accept that it has ended.

2. Grieve

grieve

Know that these feelings that you are feeling are normal.

It’s normal to think of your ex with someone else and feel envy, hatred, anger, and sadness.

You’re going to go through multiple emotions during this heavy period – it’s okay.

Millions before you have traversed this path and millions after you will do the same.

Breakups hurt.

They’re so bad, different people experience different things.

I remember when my breakup happened, my chest hurt non-stop.

I was unable to eat and drink and I’d curl up in bed for days.

I only got up to take care of my dogs and that itself was a huge chore because I had to drag myself to do it.

Breakups hurt as bad as physical pain, if not worse.

But because it’s something that happens to so many people, it’s often not addressed as much.

But please understand, this is a big deal.

If your ex is happy with someone else, it is going to take some time to get over it.

3. Know that no one is to blame

know that no one is to blame

Please understand that your happiness is not her responsibility.

People change.

Situations change.

People fall out of love.

Or they make decisions that suit them.

Everyone wants what’s best for them.

It’s normal.

There is no villain in this story.

Let’s say she cheated on you. Even then, she isn’t the villain. She merely did what she felt was best at the time.

It was a pretty bad decision, granted that you two had a long-term commitment goal, but it’s happened.

It’s forever changed the dynamics of the relationship.

When my ex-husband cheated on me, I felt like I had lost everything.

It took me a while to see it as a blessing.

When someone rejects you or cheats on you or betrays you or leaves you, they are indirectly telling you that:

  • They are not the right person for you
  • The relationship is not meant to work out
  • You are better off with someone else

Again, if a relationship is meant to last and two people are in love and have the same goals and values – the relationship will not end.

If it ended, take it as a sign that you and she are better off with other people.

4. Live and let live

live and let live

It’s very easy to go down the path of snooping and wanting to know everything she’s doing with her new fellow.

Don’t.

Any relationship blog or magazine that tells you to hunt down your ex and try to win her over is giving you shit advice.

I’m sorry.

But it’s the truth.

Why are you wasting your tears on someone that has moved on and doesn’t give a damn about you?

Stop it.

Move on.

Please know that you can love someone deeply and know that it’s okay to not be with them.

You are a human being – not a light switch.

So, if you are wondering how you will stop loving her, you will.

It will just take some time because your identities have merged.

Especially if you spent enough time in the relationship, it is going to get very difficult to get over her.

I understand that you cannot stand the thought of her with someone else, but you will get over it.

It’s possible, it’s just not going to be easy.

The only way to move on is to move forward in your life.

Don’t bother trying to get vengeance or trying to prove something to her.

You’re only going to hurt yourself.

Anger is never the answer – it ruins people’s lives.

It has done nothing good to the world.

The longer you keep thinking of how to get back at her or get back at her new boyfriend, you are delaying your healing process.

You’re telling yourself that you don’t matter and all that matters is to slow down her progress or her growth.

Even if you feel you’ve been wronged, let it go.

Stop wasting more time on the person that has left you.

5. Know that it’s not personal

know that it's not personal

When people make bad choices or decisions, it isn’t personal – it never is.

99% of the time, they are thinking of themselves.

I remember thinking “is it me?” when I found out my ex-husband was cheating on me.

And I soon realized that he was also cheating on the woman he was cheating with by sleeping with other prostitutes.

I had nothing against the woman he was cheating on me with. I only felt sympathy because she would eventually go through what I had.

People cheat.

People make bad choices.

It happens.

It doesn’t have anything to do with you.

It has more to do with themselves.

Maybe they haven’t healed from their childhood traumas.

Maybe they never did the work to try and heal themselves.

Sometimes, people change.

Their wants and needs change.

Maybe she loved you but you and she were just not compatible.

Or you both had very different wants.

Either way, you have to stop focusing on her and her life because right now it’s you that’s important.

This is life.

Bad stuff happens.

Let it go.

I know it’s easier said than done.

6. Pick up the pieces

pick up the pieces

As I said before, you’re going to feel like someone’s pulled out the rug from under you.

It’s going to hurt.

But you need to realize that there is a life after this breakup.

It can seem that you’re going to die from the pain – you won’t.

You will survive.

You have to choose what to do with the pain.

You can either let it make you stronger or let it make you more bitter.

I chose the former.

And I think you should too.

Please understand that nobody is going to help you pick up the pieces.

That’s on you now.

You’re on your own.

It isn’t her responsibility to take care of you.

That’s on you.

You have to pick up the pieces and start putting them back together.

You need to move on.

Not for her.

Not for your family or friends.

But for you.

Life is too good to throw away.

Yes, bad stuff happens. It can hurt like hell.

But you need to realize that just because this relationship didn’t work out, doesn’t mean that you are going to be alone forever.

Someday, you will find love. If what you crave is a romantic relationship, you will get it someday.

You just need to make peace with this one ending so that you can start a brand new chapter.

So, start rebuilding your life.

7. Cut off all contact with your ex

cut off all contact with your ex

She is your ex now.

Please cut off all contact.

If you promised to be friends, stop.

It’s obviously not working and you are finding it difficult to move on.

So, cut off contact with her.

Either do it silently or tell her and cut it off.

Because right now, you need to put yourself first.

You cannot move on if you’re constantly seeing her name in your chatbox or in your Contacts.

It is going to make moving on very hard.

Please understand that this isn’t personal either.

You are simply focusing on your healing so that you can move on with your life.

8. Know that pain is universal

know that pain is universal

Every single successful people that I have spoken to or read about has been through some form of tremendous pain.

Nobody is unique.

We are all born as sweet, innocent babies – full of purity and love.

Pain shapes us.

It makes us who we are – it helps us grow.

Because without pain, there is no room for growth.

Pain makes us empathetic, it makes us stronger.

When I went through my divorce, I started this blog to help other people like me going through pain.

This blog now has thousands of visitors daily reading this blog. And I wouldn’t be sitting here being able to give you advice unless I went through this myself.

Pain has helped me become more kind and patient.

It also helped me understand my needs and wants more clearly.

My filtering process got better as I went through a breakup.

And I was able to find real love later after spending some time being single.

9. Examine what went wrong in the relationship

examine what went wrong in your relaitonship

Don’t do it now if you’re still hurting.

But come back to this exercise when you’re healing from the breakup.

When the breakup is fresh, it is quite normal to feel that the relationship is perfect or was perfect.

But with a little time and space, we begin to see the relationship for what it really was.

So, when some time has passed, look at it realistically:

  • Were you both really happy in this relationship?
  • Were there things you both wanted that didn’t align with your partners?
  • Did you and your partner disagree on a few things that were considered vital in her eyes?
  • Did you two have different lifestyles?
  • Was there something one of you was unwilling to compromise on?
  • Did you or she have certain difficulties in the relationship?
  • Did she respect you and treat you right?
  • Were you both committed to the relationship? Or was there an imbalance?

There is no need to lie to yourself – this is only for your understanding.

You are going to use this information to grow and make better decisions in the future.

10. Heal

heal

Take time to heal from this breakup.

You will need to process your feelings and work with them.

If you feel that your friends and family aren’t giving you good advice, or it’s very biased – see a therapist.

A therapist will hear you out and give you the tools to work through your feelings. She won’t give you advice or be biased.

She will help you see your own situations with clarity so that you can analyze what has happened and heal.

Therapy is something everyone needs, even therapists.

In my list of warm and comforting books to read, I’ve included a book called “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone.”

This is a book written by a therapist who undergoes therapy after she goes through a painful breakup.

This book is so helpful because it tells us that we are all human and we all need help at some point.

She breaks down so many things and slowly puts into view that eventually, the most important relationship we will have is the one with ourselves.

The book is very insightful and I recommend that anyone who is considering therapy read it to see how valuable therapy is.

My point is, you now need to focus on yourself and heal.

Stop obsessing about her and start focusing on your life – it’s about time.

11. Do not date

do not date

You aren’t ready to date if you haven’t healed from your breakup.

Take some time to process this grief.

Fall in love with your single life and make peace with the fact that the relationship is over.

Once you’ve healed from your breakup significantly, you can start to think about dating if this is something you want.

But please don’t date because you want to:

  • Get back at her
  • Forget your ex
  • Show people, you’re moving on

All of these are the wrong reasons to date.

Not only will you attract the wrong women (because you’re putting a negative version of yourself out there), but you will also be dumping your emotional baggage on someone else.

It’s not fair to you or them.

So, heal first.

And once you’ve healed, you can slowly start dating again.

12. Rediscover who you are

rediscover who you are

When you’ve been with a person for long enough, your identities will merge and become one.

That’s why we don’t know who we are after a breakup.

We feel like we’ve lost a huge part of ourselves because our identities merged with our partners.

This is normal and you shouldn’t blame yourself for feeling this way.

It simply means you gave your whole heart into the relationship.

Don’t criticize yourself for doing that, because being able to love is a gift.

This will help you form long and beautiful relationships, provided you choose someone that is right for you.

So, allow yourself to grieve for a while.

But come back strong than ever.

Ask yourself what other identities you have:

  • Are you a sibling?
  • Are you a parent?
  • Are you a pet parent?
  • Are you an employer?
  • Are you a friend?

There are so many roles apart from being a romantic partner.

Once you realize how many other important roles you play in your life, you slowly start to see that your life is super important and meaningful.

Yes, one whole planet of your universe is gone.

But there are others.

And they are just as important as the one that’s gone.

Your universe is more than just that one planet.

Remember that the next time you feel that your girlfriend was your whole life.

She wasn’t and never should be – that’s very unhealthy.

13. Do more of the things you love

do more of the things you love

Initially, you may not have the mood.

So distract yourself with anything and everything that catches your fancy.

Did you always want to play guitar but never had the time? Get a damn guitar and learn to play it.

Stop making excuses for things you’ve been wanting to do but never made the time to do.

You have the time now.

Use it.

Always wanted to pick up writing books but never had the time to write a chapter?

Do it now.

Always wanted to take a long bike ride but your girlfriend wasn’t comfortable with it?

Do it now.

Have you stopped hanging out with friends and family because your breakup felt like something they couldn’t understand?

Hang out with them now.

Nurture those relationships you’ve been ignoring lately.

Stop putting off all the things you have been meaning to do because of lack of time or other priorities and do it now.

Use this time to get into the best shape of your life.

Put your health first.

Start eating right.

Get outside and do something that physically tires you.

I remember walking till my feet hurt because I wanted to walk and not think about my breakup.

Eventually, I fell in love with walking.

It helped me become fitter.

I started eating better and I learned to play the piano.

I did many different things and some of them became habits.

I started websites and grew them so they now make me money.

You can view how you see this breakup.

You can see it as a tragedy or a loss.

Or you can see it as an opportunity to now work on yourself.

The choice is yours.

Takeaway

I am sorry for your pain.

I’ve been through this twice and the second time hurt so much more than the first, even though my second relationship was very short.

It really took a toll on me.

But I’m so glad for it now because it taught me to love myself.

I never knew the meaning of self-love until my second breakup happened.

Life has a funny way of sending us the same life lessons until we learn what we have to.

I highly recommend reading this list of breakup books if you found this post helpful.

These books helped me understand that loss is not the end.

It helped me realize that everyone who wrote these books has been through incredible loss and if they could see the light at the end of the tunnel, so would I.

That’s where you are now – in the middle of the tunnel.

You can’t see the light but rest assured – it’s there.

You’ll get there in time – you just have to keep moving forward.

Here are a few posts that you might find helpful:

Angela is a 30 year old Illustrator and Blogger living with her 2 adorable labradors in Bangalore, India. She has a degree in Psychology and Human Relationships from the University of Toronto. When she's not writing her heart out or drawing, you'll find her sipping chai and reading non-fiction books.

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