Last Updated on April 7, 2022 by Angela Vaz
You felt like they were the one.
They were perfect in almost every way possible.
Nobody understood you as they did.
They made you laugh.
They were kind to you.
And you thought you’d be together forever.
But circumstances have led you to part ways.
And now, all you can do is lament and wonder, “Will I find someone better than my ex?”
I was in the exact situation as you on 3rd March 2021.
I’m writing this blog post exactly one year later to tell you that, yes, you will find someone better than your ex.
I am writing this article because I wish someone had told me all these points when I was in the same place.
I want you to know that you will get through this pain and find someone better.
But it will only be possible if you keep the following points in mind.
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A little backstory first:
I entered a relationship soon after my divorce.
The man seemed perfect in every way. He was kind, funny, really compassionate, and in almost every way – compatible with me.
There was only one catch. He was hesitant to tell his parents about me because I was a divorcee.
After a year of dating, he suddenly disappeared, claiming that God had shown him a vision of another woman, and he had to be with her instead.
Initially, I was gobsmacked.
I felt like the carpet was ripped out from under me.
And I was crushed, devastated.
I felt (at that time, I was sure) I would never find anyone better than my ex.
I have spoken to so many people in my life, and I never clicked with anyone else, so what guarantee was there that I would find someone else?
Nobody could understand me better than my ex.
He was my best friend and my partner in crime.
Getting through that breakup was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. And I’ve been cheated on by my ex-husband and lost my mother to cancer. But this was a whole new world of darkness.
My mind kept replaying all of our happy times. But I knew there was no turning back. I had to keep my mind focused on the present.
I focussed on myself.
And I focussed on self-love because, at that moment, I didn’t have anyone else to love me.
Which meant I had to do it myself.
I started getting my life on track.
I learned to love myself until I found love again.
I’m currently dating a wonderful man, and we’ve just finished six months together.
In this post, I want to discuss what I did and why I firmly believe you will find someone better than your ex.
Let’s get started.
Will I find someone better than my ex? 7 Reasons you will
1. Take your time to heal
Don’t look back at what you’ve lost.
Take it from someone who’s already loved and lost and watched other people do the same.
If the relationship ended, it ended for a reason.
One of you was not getting your needs met.
It can be very confusing at the moment, and you may be in severe denial, but please understand that this is normal.
The pain is intense right after a loss.
And you are shaken with grief.
You will move from anger to depression, guilt to sadness, and feel your emotions waver like nothing you’ve experienced before.
This is normal.
Let it pass.
Unfortunately, there is no shortcut to getting through this portion of the breakup.
So move through it. Let the emotions engulf you.
Spend as much time by yourself as possible to get it all out of your system.
Here are a few posts I recommend if you’ve just come out of a relationship:
- How to get over heartbreak when you still love your ex
- How to find peace after a toxic relationship
- Struggling with singleness? Here’s what I did to combat this
- 13 signs of unrequited love
- How to get over intense emotional pain
2. Don’t keep running back to the past
Let them go once you’ve decided that the breakup is permanent and they have moved on.
Remember one thing; you cannot force anyone to love you.
It takes two people to make a relationship successful.
If the relationship is rocky or has ended, it means that it was not meant to be.
Please note that:
- You can still love them but know that they are not suitable for you.
- You can still miss them but acknowledge that you are okay not being together.
So, please don’t rush to call them or text them when you miss them.
Let them go.
After a breakup, it might take 3-6 months for the pain to become bearable.
But you’ll have to push through it.
Learn to let go of the past and let the past remain in the past.
This is not easy and will take time.
But it is okay to take your time.
There is no set time period to heal and get over a breakup.
Please remember that till you are over this person, you cannot find love.
Here’s how you will know that you are truly over your breakup:
- You will be able to look at your relationship as a learning experience
- You won’t bear any ill feelings towards your ex
- Your ex dating again will not bother you
It’s okay to love your ex-partner and still want them, but at the same time know that it is okay for both of you to not be together.
Here are some posts to help you with this:
- How to let go of the past
- How to trust the process and learn to let go
- The Ultimate guide to stop overanalyzing everything
- How to live in the present moment
3. Know your wants and needs
After taking some time and distance from your relationship, you will begin to see your relationship for what it indeed was.
You may also see your ex for what they were.
And you will slowly realize why the two of you may not have been extremely compatible for the following reasons:
- Maybe both of you wanted different things
- Both of you evolved to become different people as your relationship progressed
- You couldn’t compromise anymore
- Your needs and wants were different
- There were compatibility issues
- Your morales and views were different about important topics
Once you understand what caused the breakup or the relationship to end, make a list of what you want from your future partner.
Do this only when you feel ready to take on this exercise.
If the thought of being with someone else is still hurting you, then take more time to heal and come back to this later.
Here are some questions you can ask yourself:
- What are the qualities I want in my future partner?
- What goals should we share?
- How do I want my future partner to treat me? What attributes should they have?
- What is this person like?
By making a list of all their qualities and values, you will know precisely what you want from your future partner.
This will help you realize what you are looking for, and you will not settle for anything less than what you want.
My list looked like this:
- He should be kind, loyal, have a good sense of humor, and love to communicate.
- He should be wise, intelligent, and respectful to all living beings.
- Most importantly, he should accept me for who I am – a divorcee and single woman.
And I didn’t settle for anything less till I found someone who matched all these attributes.
4. Love yourself
This is the most crucial step.
You’ve been hurt, bruised, and broken.
It is time to take care of yourself and heal yourself.
Loving yourself as a single person doesn’t mean that you want to be single forever.
It means accepting your single status and knowing that your value does not change just because you don’t have a partner.
It’s okay if everyone you know is in a relationship or has babies.
That’s completely alright.
A person can find themself single at any age.
It means that you haven’t found the right person yet or you’re comfortable being single.
Either way, it’s normal, and there is nothing to feel ashamed of.
So, love yourself and take care of yourself.
Use this time to work on yourself and better yourself.
Yes, you want someone to love, and maybe you want to be in a relationship again.
But either you or the person you’re meant to be with isn’t ready to be in a relationship – so take your time to build to that phase till you are prepared.
Forget everything that is not in your control.
You cannot control love or force yourself to find someone right now.
It will happen when it has to happen.
So, make peace with that information and deal with what you can control – yourself.
You have the time and the resources to make something of yourself.
Use this time to start a new chapter in your life.
Here are a few posts I’ve written to help you with this:
- How to reset your life
- 35 honest ways to get your life together
- How to create a plan and stick with it
- 25 personal goal examples to inspire you to write your own!
- 13 ways to plan your success for the future
5. Learn from those who have fallen
Whenever I feel defeated or crushed due to life’s turbulences, I turn to those who have fallen and conquered their obstacles.
There have been millions who have walked in your shoes and survived.
People have lost loved ones to breakups, divorces, or death.
And they have cried, they have broken down, and they’ve learned to smile again.
Learn from them.
I started reading multiple books written by people who have lost or overcome turmoil, and it helped me feel better.
It made me realize that I was not alone and would get through this.
It gave me hope and encouragement.
And I credit all that I have learned to these books:
- Vex King – Healing is the New High (this book will help you heal emotionally)
- Marianne Williamson – A Return to Love (this book will teach you about self-love)
- The Strength in Our Scars – Bianca Sparacino (a poetry book about pain and healing)
- Man’s Search for Meaning – Viktor Frankl (a book that narrates how a Holocaust survivor found the meaning of life)
- Louise Hay – You Can Heal Your Life (a beautiful book on healing)
Here are all the books about self-love and healing I recommend you read to help you with this journey of self-love.
By casting aside your pain and focusing on the pain of others who have been in similar situations (or worse), you will learn that you are not alone in this, and it will give you a lot of comfort.
Apart from reading, practice meditation, and journaling.
These two activities will help you self-introspect and help you become more self-aware of the past and the present.
And it will help you become very emotionally mature.
6. You will have some tough moments
Healing is not a linear journey.
It’s not going to be always up.
You may have two good weeks before you suddenly remember something from the past that will set off the tears suddenly.
Healing takes time.
You may feel incredibly lonely at times, or you may see your couple friends, which might trigger the loneliness.
It’s okay to have those nasty moments.
It’s alright to feel those few pangs of loneliness.
Being single doesn’t always mean being super happy.
Everybody has their weak moments.
But all in all, try to enjoy your own company.
Focus on habits and activities that bring you joy.
Rediscover your passions. Maybe you’ve always wanted to knit or draw. Perhaps you’ve wanted to write poetry or sing.
Here are a few posts that will help you:
- How to stay alone for the first time if you’re not used to it
- How to combat loneliness and be happy alone after a divorce/breakup
- 35 fun things single women should do
- 55 things to do besides eating
- 45 fun things to do on a Friday night
7. Begin dating when you are ready
Do not date till you have fully healed and feel ready to date.
There is no fixed time for healing; remember that.
Only when you feel like you have fully gotten over your partner should you begin dating.
If you start dating and still feel overwhelmed, take a break. It’s okay. Be honest with the person you’re seeing and tell them that the time isn’t right.
Take more time to heal before initiating dating again.
It’s okay to be overwhelmed and feel like you’re starting from scratch.
You may also meet some people that you don’t want to see again because they might not be compatible with you – ththat’skay too.
Learn to walk away when you sense that something isn’t right.
This topic obviously is huge, so read these posts for more information:
- How to wait for love patiently
- Dating advice that you need to pay attention to
- Struggling with singleness? Read this
But know this for sure – you are going to find someone.
You will not only find someone who is better, but you will find someone who is right for you.
Your relationship will be a good one because you will be mature enough to talk about your disagreements, and you will love and respect each other.
So, look forward to that new chapter, and until then, keep the hope alive.
Wrapping it up – Will I find someone better than my ex?
Know that if you have the desire to be in a loving and committed relationship, you will eventually find someone who has the same goals and values you do.
But to find that person, you need to heal and move on from the person you were with.
You will also need to reinvent yourself and learn to be happy alone and single.
Only once you do this will you be on your way to finding love again.
I cannot guarantee when you will find it, but I have spoken to so many people who have found love at basically any age, and I know this is possible.
I wish you nothing but the best.
Please leave a comment if you have any questions or want to share your experience.
If you have recently found yourself single, here are a few more posts to help you:
- 13 signs of unrequited love and how to let go
- How to recover from a toxic relationship
- How to love yourself while you’re single
- Dating Advice every single woman needs
- How to stop letting things bother you
- The ultimate guide to getting over heartbreak and finding happiness again
- 35 honest ways to get your life together
- How to trust the process and just let go
- The best advice for living alone and not being lonely
- How to let go of the past
- 15 ways to get a fresh start this year
- 13 ways to reset your life
- How to create a plan and stick to it