Last Updated on January 30, 2024 by Angela Vaz

It breaks you.

I won’t sugarcoat it – but it’s the worst feeling in the world.

Welcome to Mind Space Cafe.

My name is Angela, and after leaving a marriage where my ex was cheating on me, I pursued a degree in Human Relationships and Psychology so I could heal and help other people do the same.

And I cover a lot of topics that I have gone through myself.

In this post, I want to discuss what to do if your husband called you ugly.

I’ll talk to you about different options, and then you can weigh the pros and cons and decide for yourself.

I will end the post with my personal story because it might help you in some way.

This post contains affiliate links, meaning I may make a commission at no extra cost to you if you decide to click on a link and purchase something. Click here to read the full disclaimer.

1. Don’t react at the moment

don't react

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I need you to stay calm right now.

Do not react.

Do not retort with verbal abuse.

Do not feel the need to take revenge.

You are going to calm down and take a few deep breaths.

Why? Because this isn’t about you.

And right now, you need to defuse and de-escalate the situation.

Accept that this has happened and for now, do not react.

2. Tell him that he’s hurt you

tell him that he's hurt you

Explain that you feel hurt.

Instead of saying, “You hurt me when you say these things; it’s mean, selfish, and childish.” say, “I feel hurt when you say these things. It breaks my heart to hear this.”

By telling him how you feel, you’re now attempting to talk to him like an adult and explain that he’s hurting you.

You’re being mature, and you’re handling this argument well.

3. Understand where he’s coming from

see where he is coming from

Please note that I do not condone this behavior.

Most men who do this don’t have already proven that they’re poor communicators.

Emotionally mature people can express themselves without resorting to name-calling or bullying.

Resorting to calling you “ugly” or saying anything else about your physical appearance means that he is either insecure or genuinely wants to poke a hole in your armor.

Women are generally very particular about their looks, we do take it very personally when someone criticizes our appearance.

And his using that as a tool is definitely uncalled for.

But I say seek clarification because it’s important to understand the situation before you take a big step.

Get a clear picture.

See his response.

  • Did he say it to hurt you?
  • Did he say it because he wasn’t thinking?
  • Is he making any attempt to apologize?
  • Is he trying to justify what he said?

Understanding the conflict will help you be able to overcome this issue.

4. Do not for one moment think you are ugly

do not think that you are ugly

I say this to you because when my ex made that comment, I immediately thought I was unlovable.

I assumed that I was ugly and I couldn’t see myself any other way.

Ugly is not on the outside – it’s within.

Hate and violence – that is ugly.

If you would never say something like that to your partner – it means that you are kind, thoughtful and beautiful.

Don’t for one moment doubt it.

Do not believe them when they say you’re ugly. That sentence says more about them than anything else.

5. Seek counselling

seek counselling

If this is a one-off incident, talking may be able to help ease the situation.

If both of you could express yourselves maturely after the argument de-escalated and you could talk about it and calm down, then you can let it go.

But if this is a re-occurring situation where you find yourselves arguing more often than not, I suggest you seek counselling.

It will be better for your relationship and your mental health if you can get a professional to listen to you.

A professional counselor will be able to provide you both with valuable conflict resolution tips and help you communicate effectively with each other.

This is important.

Because if both of you can understand where each other is coming from and you love each other – then this relationship is worth saving.

So, please consider professional counseling.

6. Self-reflect

self reflect

If this is not the first time he has resorted to name-calling or verbal abuse, then I urge you to reconsider the relationship.

Don’t justify this as “He has plenty of other good qualities, he just can’t control his anger.”

No.

There are plenty of good people in this world.

You deserve better.

Respect yourself and love yourself.

You don’t need to hear things like this – you deserve mental stability and peace.

And if you feel like you are fighting an uphill battle for most of your relationship, it is not worth it.

I live in a country where the word “divorce” has so much stigma attached to it.

But I didn’t hesitate to walk out.

I gave my ex more chances than necessary – I continued to trample on my heart, and a bit of my confidence and self-respect eroded every time I chose to stay with him.

Because of the time I spent with my ex, I required so much more therapy and healing to come out.

So, if you’ve genuinely had enough and you’re considering leaving – leave.

7. Draw boundaries

draw boundaries

Whenever you let your partner walk over you, you indirectly tell them it’s okay.

When a person pushes your boundaries, and you allow it, they will keep doing it.

Draw boundaries by explaining to your husband that this kind of verbal abuse won’t fly with you.

Remind him that this relationship works both ways, and if he’s going to name-call, you aren’t going to stand for it.

Please note:

If your husband is a narcissist, then know that this relationship is not going to get better.

If he is not dealing with his issues, attending therapy, or trying to become better, he is not going to get better.

Neither is your relationship.

Draw boundaries.

And if it still doesn’t work – leave.

You can try therapy, you can try active communication.

But if the relationship continues down its slippery slope – please leave.

There is no other solution.

My husband called me ugly – what I did

I remember when my ex-husband called me ugly.

He insisted that I was extremely ugly (he hinted at my acne) and even told me to burst a few pimples because he couldn’t bear to look at my face.

At the time, I was secluded – I didn’t have friends because my ex was also abusive and very controlling.

I genuinely was heartbroken.

I remember looking into the mirror and thinking why I couldn’t be prettier.

And my relationship was way past saving – it was already over.

I should have left, but I didn’t.

In a few months, I discovered that my ex was cheating on me and I finally was able to leave that toxic relationship without looking back.

I now have a partner who tells me that I am beautiful.

I sometimes doubt him, but when I look into the mirror, I see myself, and I realize that I am not that bad – I have beautiful eyes, a wonderful smile (I love my snaggle-tooth), and amazing curly hair.

All the things that I hated about myself are the things that I now love.

I’ve come such a long way from this, and that’s why I write to you with love; remember, you are not alone.

Whatever you decide to do, remember that countless before you have suffered, and they’ve done something about it.

So don’t feel scared to break the rules – you’re doing this for you.

Attend counseling, work on yourself, and if all else fails, leave.

You don’t need to answer to anyone about your relationship – you live with your husband, and you don’t need to suffer that kind of verbal abuse.

Here are a few more posts you may find helpful:

Angela is a 30 year old Illustrator and Blogger living with her 2 adorable labradors in Bangalore, India. She has a degree in Psychology and Human Relationships from the University of Toronto. When she's not writing her heart out or drawing, you'll find her sipping chai and reading non-fiction books.

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