Last Updated on August 30, 2023 by Angela Vaz
You lost your mom.
And you feel like a huge part of your world has been torn from you.
Sometimes, you feel okay – you have productive days.
And sometimes, you can’t imagine how you’ve been going on for so long without her.
You miss her voice, presence, and all the little things that generally annoyed you when she was around.
I know what that’s like, I lost my mom a year ago.
In this post, I want to talk about pain, loss, and moving forward.
Let’s begin.
Trigger warning: This post discusses cancer, death, emotional pain, etc. So, please keep this in mind before reading further.
But before that really quick, get my free guide on how to really reset your life.
A little backstory
In early 2019, my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. She had no symptoms, no warnings, nothing.
She went in for a test one day only because my dog would keep sniffing at her chest and giving her a sad look.
The test came back positive. She was given 3 months to live.
As her only child, I did a lot of research and got her into one of the finest hospitals in India.
She was able to live for 2 more years before she passed away last year.
I talk about how to deal with watching your mother die slowly in this post. If you’re up for it, you can read that.
I just turned 30 years old.
I’ve been through several shit storms, but nothing comes close to losing my mother.
That pain is unlike any other I’ve faced my whole life.
You miss your mother: How to deal with the pain of losing your mother when you miss her so much?
1. The pain is going to come and go
The pain will never really go away.
It just gets easier to manage as time passes by.
Some days will be easy and some will be almost non-manageable.
I can’t look at a sunset or sunrise without thinking of her.
I can’t watch a fun rom-com without thinking about how much she would have loved this movie.
There will be many things that will remind you of your mother and it’s okay to feel pain.
It’s okay to miss her voice, and to wish you could see her one last time.
Sometimes, you’ll lose sleep.
Sometimes you’ll be lost in thought.
And sometimes the tears will not stop.
It’s completely alright to grieve and to feel pangs of pain when you think of her.
There is no guide or manual that teaches us how to get over the pain of losing a mother.
It’s hard.
But it’s alright.
Don’t ever feel guilty over crying or missing your mother.
It’s alright to just sit in sadness sometimes. You’re human and you’re allowed that.
2. It’s difficult for others to understand
Sometimes you can talk about your mother’s death very rationally and that doesn’t mean you don’t miss her or you’re a monster.
It means you’ve made peace with her death.
At the same time, nobody else will understand the pain you feel sometimes and it’s something that you will have to accept.
It’s very difficult for someone to understand what you’re going through unless they’ve been through it themselves.
If you have friends who’ve lost a parent, they will understand.
It may even be magical talking to them because they’ll know exactly what you’re going through.
But knowing that so many people have lost their mothers/fathers and still walk through life is somewhat comforting – please know that you are not alone.
There are countless people who lose their moms every day and they all feel the same pain you feel.
3. It’s alright to have regrets
Everyone has a very different relationship with their mother.
Sometimes it can be strained – it may not have been perfect.
But it doesn’t matter, because whatever has happened has happened in the past.
There were many things I wish I could tell her – I want her to know I am happy. I was going through so much pain when she was dying due to my breakup and she went probably wondering if I was going to be okay.
Sometimes, I wish I could have spent more time with her.
I never got to introduce her to the man I love today and I wish things would have been different sometimes, but it’s alright.
Sometimes the memories will replay in your head – arguments you’ve had or fights you’ve gotten into.
Maybe you have regrets and wish for things to have been different while she was alive.
And that’s alright.
Please know that no relationship is perfect.
We all have battles and everything can’t be hunky dory.
What matters is you’ve learned from those mistakes and you’re better equipped to handle those situations now.
Don’t let those memories take over your life.
We all make mistakes and we’re all human.
It’s important to forgive yourself and not be so hard on yourself so that you can move forward in your life.
Everything that has happened in your life has brought you to where you are now.
We cannot undo the past, because we only have control of our present.
4. Know that everything is temporary
Sometimes we forget our purpose in life.
None of us are going to live forever.
We’re on borrowed time – my mother would say.
And at any moment, you could lose someone close to you.
It’s what we make of life today that matters.
Today is all you have.
It’s definitely very hard to practice this piece of advice. Death can be a hard subject to absorb but know that we are going to lose everyone around us at some point in time.
This will make acceptance easier.
5. Know that this pain will stay with you always but it will get easier to manage
It doesn’t matter how old you are or how old you’ll be.
The pain of losing a mom will never go away.
My mother would talk about her mother with so much pain even towards the end.
She frequently had dreams of her mother and she too missed her mom so much from time to time.
Like I said earlier, the pain will never go away – but you will learn how to handle it better.
Sometimes, it’s okay to give in to the pain and just feel it.
It’s alright to remember her.
Like Vision says, “What is grief, if not love persevering?”
That quote really touched my heart.
Your grief just means she really made an impact on your life and she loved you just as much as you love her still.
6. Know that there is so much to live for
It can be very painful and you may want to pause just because you’ve lost someone that was such a huge part of your life.
It’s okay to pause – it’s not okay to stop.
Your life is so much more than your parents, your siblings, your friends, your partner, or your pets.
It’s up to you to see how many things life has to offer.
It can be very painful to lose a huge part of your life – your mom.
But life doesn’t stop for anyone.
It will go on and so should you.
I try to remember all the things I am grateful for – like my father, my boyfriend, and my two loving and faithful dogs.
I know that I lost one of the biggest treasures in my life, but I know more will come in my life.
Each day life brings a new gift.
You’ll never know what awaits you until you’re ready to put the past behind you and begin the next day.
More people will enter your life, so make room in your heart to love and be loved.
7. Talk to someone
If you feel you’re unable to cope no matter what you see or read, then it may be time to talk to a counselor or therapist so you can learn to handle your grief.
It’s okay to feel pain sometimes.
But if you’re unable to do anything or the depression is unbearable for weeks and months, maybe you require someone to help you with it.
And that’s okay.
As I said earlier, we all handle grief differently.
And we all need someone to talk to, be it a counselor or just someone who understands the pain we’re going through.
Conclusion
I’m really sorry you’re feeling this pain.
I don’t know who you are, but I do know that you feel the same loss I feel and all I can do is reach out to you and give you a virtual hug from here.
I hope things get easier for you and I hope you’re able to manage the pain as time moves on.
My heart is with you during this tough time.
I know that one blog post isn’t going to turn your life around, but I hope that these words helped change your life in some way for the better.
I’m ending this blog post with a letter to my mom:
“Mama,
Not a day goes by when I don’t think of you.
Sometimes it’s a few seconds and sometimes, it’s a whole day.
I know we’ve had our ups and downs but I really want you to know I’m happy. I live each day in the moment and I’ve never been happier or more content.
I am at peace with everything.
I love my life and I love my work.
I found love in my dogs and in a wonderful man.
I treasure them every day because I know how short life is.
Your husband hasn’t forgotten you. He still grieves your loss and he hasn’t even disconnected your mobile phone. He carries it with him everywhere he goes.
I talk to him every single day. You’re right – he does grumble a lot. He’s awfully grumpy. It’s annoying, but I still tell him everything I do and I even consult him regarding every decision I make.
Someday, I hope he is able to move on so that he finds peace.
It really hurts me that you never got to finish the last season of Grace and Frankie.
Every time I hit a milestone, I wish I could tell you about it.
Honestly? I just want to hear your voice.
You were a horrible singer but you always called me every year to sing me “Happy Birthday.”
I miss your extremely loud and boisterous laugh when I made silly jokes.
I miss the annoyingly large number of texts you’d send me if I didn’t message back or missed your call.
I miss the way you were so possessive about my well-being.
I miss listening to you talk about food every single day.
I miss being able to pick up the phone and call you every time I’m having a huge moment.
You’re still my top contact on my phone.
I stopped playing Candy Crush because it’s no fun playing without you competing with me.
You were my best friend and sometimes I still can’t believe you’re gone and I have to walk through the majority of my life without you by my side.
I talk about you with everyone I meet because you were such a positive and happy person.
You were my driving force and you always saw the light in me, even when I couldn’t see it myself.
You inspired me to be where I am today and without you, I know I would never have made it this far.
You instilled in me – love, courage, and most of all – discipline.
I don’t know what happens after death and I have no idea if I’ll ever get to see you again.
All I know is, that I will never forget you and I will carry a piece of you in my heart forever.
I love you, always.”
Here are a few posts that you might find helpful:
- How to deal with watching your mother die
- How to be happy while living alone
- 13 ways to feel loved when you feel like nobody loves you
- How to let go of the past and move on
- How to live in the present moment and focus on the present
- How to make each day count
- 35 honest ways to get your life together
- 17 steps to start a new chapter in your life
- You just want someone to care – read this
24 Comments
Hi Angela,
This brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for putting your personal emotions into writing which otherwise are so difficult to understand for the other person from the outside. My spouse is going through the grief of losing her mother to cancer. Though I understand what she is going through but I confess that I will not be able to grasp her each thought and pain memories. Your write up and especially your letter to mom made me realize the minute details and depth of the loss.
I can say that I am in better state to help my wife after this blog post. I wish you all the strength and success in life.
Hey Bhuvnesh,
Thank you so much for your warm words. The only reason I started this blog was to help other people like me who needed comforting words. It’s definitely not a walk in the park reliving everything as I write, but I know it helps so many people so it’s totally worth it.
Cancer is such a god-awful disease and I’m so sorry your spouse is going through what she is right now. It’s not easy but your being so supportive – helps. You’re a good partner and a good human being. She will take some time to process the grief but she will become stronger.
Sending you love, light and courage,
Angela
Angela,
Thank you for sharing. My mom died yesterday from cancer. I am so sick with emptiness. She was my best friend. I am older, in my 50s. I have no significant other. My dad is still here. We will lean on each other. No one will fill this void. I pray I see her again. My birthday is Saturday. That is my mom’s funeral. I don’t believe she’s gone.
Hey Lisa,
I’m really sorry you lost your mom. My mom was my best friend too, nothing and no one comes close to her. So, I understand what you’re going through.
I’m sure your dad is going through hell too. I wish you both nothing but peace and love. I hope you’re doing okay.
It’s been 2 years, I still miss my mom every day.
It only sunk in that I’d never see her again when I saw them lowering her coffin underground. I knew at that moment, she was gone. We would never hug or talk to each other again. Until then, she looked like she was asleep. But that particular moment really broke me.
Sending you a big virtual hug,
Angela
This was amazingly written… I literally Googled “My Mom Died, and I don’t Want to Live Anymore” of course all the suicide hotline information popped up, but this is what I needed for right now!! Thank You for sharing, you helped me get off the grass in the front yard trying to fix the dock like my mother always did, I couldn’t fix it like she could, and I felt like it was the end of my world… These things happen a lot, as I’m sure you know. I’m an only child, and the rest of my family is passed away as well.. I don’t have friends I can talk to, and I’ve been divorced for 12 years, spent the last 5 years taking care of my mom, and isolated myself from everything and everyone.. looking forward to reading your guide… Bless You 😇
I’m sorry Jen, for all the pain you’re going through. It’s been 2 years since I lost my mom and I still miss her so much. But I implore you to fall in love with life again – do things that make you happy – garden, draw, dance – anything to distract you for a bit before you fall in love with life again. It will take time – I remember reading to numb the pain and reading about other people and their tragedies really helped me put things in perspective. I felt less alone, knowing that so many people are also hurting and going through ordeals of their own – it made me feel heard in a way. I also recommend talking to someone especially if you feel you’re isolating yourself and can’t talk to anyone about what you’re going through.
Lots of love,
Angela
Angela, I wanted to thank you for writing this. I lost my mother a bit over a year ago when I was 35. Though I am sorry for your loss, your words ring true and I can find solace in them. I appreciate you,
Eric
Hey Eric,
You’re most welcome. I know how hard it is and I’m sorry for your loss. I think it’s one of life’s toughest challenges to lose a mom.
Thank you for sharing.
Sending you love, light, and courage,
Angela
Thank you for your words, everything you said was true, even though it brought many tears. I lost my mom two weeks ago and the pain is insurmountable. I miss her so much! We were a small family and now she joins my dad and brother. I am alone and lost as there is no other family members. . I want her back, but know she is at peace and free from pain.
Hey Gayle,
I’m really glad that the post was helpful. I know how you feel. I know that my words won’t make a big difference, but know that you’ll get stronger and this will get easier to deal with. I’m sorry you’re going through so much pain and you’ve lost your family.
But do know that although it’s not the same, you will find new people who will enter your heart and fill it with love. My partner is so much like my mother in the tiniest ways. My older dog resembles her behaviour too with her possessiveness and intense love.
Lots of love,
Angela
Very sorry for your loss and thank you for taking the time to write this. I Iost my mom about a year ago. Reading your article makes me feel a little less alone.
Mom i really love and miss you.
Hey Simon,
I’m really sorry you lost your mom. I know it’s hard and although there is nothing I can say to help you, I do wish you peace and love. Know you are not alone. It really sucks losing your mom. I miss her everyday – it’s been 2 years.
Lots of love,
Angela
That must have been tough losing your mother at 30. Im so sorry for your loss. I lost my mother when I was 44 and now I’m turning 55 and cannot believe she has been gone for 10 years. Although the grief is better your still left with a hole in your heart from the loss. I spent 3 years “getting ready” for my mother to pass thinking I could beat grief at its own game by getting it over with “before” she died! Oh my how nieve was I. Unfortunately it didn’t work and the grief never leaves you it only changes form. I remember when my father passed away at 95 in 2017 he was still grieving his mother who had died 20 years prior to his death. I never understood why he was still sad over her loss but now I do. It’s tough, but it’s all part of the cycle of life. Its important to just keep them in your heart, honor them and live one day at a time.
Great post for all those folks out there going through this. Thanks
Hey EMJ,
I lost my mom at 28, but I’m glad I had her for those 28 years. It’s hard to not feel that pain especially on Mother’s Day, but I know that she will live on at least in my memories.
I know, time flies. It’s been 10 years for you and I can imagine how hard it must be to carry that grief with you for so long. It never leaves, you just learn to live with it.
Life is so impermanent. All we can do is treasure what we have and focus on what we can make of today.
I wish you nothing but peace and love,
Angela
Thanks Angela for the post . I recently lost my mom 3 weeks ago. Sadness just comes and goes. Your post describes all the feelings that I am going through. I know the void will never go away, but I just keep thinking what better should I have done to save her. Your mom is very beautiful!
Thanks
Krishna
Thank you for your kind words. I’m sorry for your loss. I wish you nothing but strength and courage during this time. That sadness will keep coming and going.
I still cry once in a while when I remember my mom or every time I listen to the music she loved. I guess that will never go away. But what’s happened has happened – try to let go of that guilt and fall in love with the fact that you had such a wonderful mom. Celebrate her memories with people you love – it will make you feel better.
Lots of love,
Angela
Sometimes in times of sadness I google ‘I miss my mom’ to help cope with my grief. I lost my mom when I was a young child, and I’ve been missing her for 33 years. ❤️ thank you for your post.
Hey Marie,
I am really sorry you lost your mom. I can’t imagine the kind of pain you have of losing her so young. I know how important it is to have a mom growing up because those years really shape your life. I do wish you nothing but peace and strength.
Lots of love,
Angela
Thank you so much for your article my love has been gone for 2 years now and I really miss her like I really really miss her and I’m so stuck because I don’t know how to move on I miss the me when she was alive I was so happy Carefree now it’s really hard to get out of bed I feel like I’m in the middle of the desert lost their article is giving me hope that tomorrow may be a better day the day after that and if a day comes and it’s not so good that it’s okay to just cry thank you for sharing that thank you for being you thank you for being a blessing and a hero in my life because you really did save me this evening my birthday is in 2 days and my mom is the only one who will remember and be so excited and I’m dreading to face the two days but now I think I’m ready for them and the day after that may God continue to bless you
Thank you Kimberly – your words really touched me.
I’m so sorry you’ve lost your mom – it’s been 2 years for me too. I can understand your pain and not a day goes by when I don’t think of her. I know sometimes the pain is unbearable but do know you’re not alone.
Happy belated birthday. I do wish you nothing but the best – I know your heart is full of love. Do continue to share that love with everyone and everything you know.
Lots of love,
Angela
Hi Angela, you wrote such a beautiful letter to your mum that had me in tears… I can relate to many of the things you have written. My mum also was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer in 2008 and battled for two years before passing away when I was 11 years old. She was also my best friend and my biggest inspiration, now I’m 26 and there’s still not a day I don’t wish she was here to share her advice and just be able to give her a hug. The pain definitely gets easier with time and I always remember that she would want me to be happy and living my best life, so that’s what I try to do with every new day that comes.
Thank you for touching my heart and for writing this blog!
Best wishes,
Elise
Hey Elise,
Thank you for your kind words – After writing this post, I discovered that so many of us have watched our moms die slowly and that pain is quite like no other. Although the pain of losing her has never gone away, I feel some sort of relief knowing that I’m not alone in my pain. You have the right mindset – full of love and understanding and I think you’ve turned out to become a beautiful human being. Thank you for sharing your story. I do believe that our moms want nothing more than for us to live a good life. =)
You’re most welcome, sending you so much love,
Angela
I’m into almost a month since the loss of my mother I’ve lost 20 pounds since nothing matters this fog has consumed me I want to die myself this is unbearable
Hey Kimberly,
I think you’re going through a whirlwind of feelings right now – please talk to someone, preferably a therapist. Wanting to end your life isn’t something to be taken lightly. Please get help – I urge you.
Sending you a lot of love,
Angela