Last Updated on September 8, 2022 by Angela Vaz
You’re sick and tired of being alone.
You’re tired of putting yourself out there and always getting hurt.
You feel by now you would have found at least one person that genuinely cares about you.
But that is not the case.
And you’re frustrated, hurt, and sad.
First of all, let me assure you that I hear you.
I’ve been in your shoes.
I’ve felt what you were feeling.
And I was actually able to move past that point and not only find love but also find self-love.
On this journey, I’ve also been able to make good friends – both far and near.
I’ll tell you how I got there.
Let’s dive into it.
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You just want someone to care about you – 9 steps to work toward progress
1. It starts with you
First of all, understand that if you don’t love yourself, you will never find love.
Love and happiness begin with you.
You need to become super comfortable being and living alone.
You need to learn how to live alone and not be lonely.
This is a skill that every adult human being needs to possess.
Because even though there are billions of people on the planet, we will spend most of our time alone especially if we are not living with family.
Love cannot be forced.
Affection is the same way.
The only way to actually find someone that will care for you is to be the best human being you can be.
Kindness and warmth are magnetic.
It naturally attracts people from all over and you’ll end up having so many people who care for you.
2. Know that people are usually self-involved
When I was growing up, I used to take it very personally when people couldn’t make time for me.
I’d think that it was something I was putting out there that led to such a lack of genuine friends and I couldn’t fathom why I was unable to find people who wanted strong friendships.
Understand that it is not because people don’t care about you.
It is because people are almost always thinking about their own lives. People are busy.
People have problems, they’re thinking about:
- How do I make ends meet? Do I have enough to buy food next week?
- Why is my mother not listening to me? Her health is more important, doesn’t she get that?
- How do I get my promotion?
- My hair is awful, should I change it?
- This mole looks odd. Should I go in for a screening?
- Is this dress really worth the price?
More often than not, people’s minds are flooded with thoughts that don’t usually go beyond themselves.
Almost 99% of the time, people aren’t thinking about you.
Give it a try.
How often are you thinking about other people? Most of the time, aren’t your thoughts about yourself?
So, don’t take it personally if it looks like someone doesn’t care. It may be that they are just too busy or have their own problems to actually think about what you are feeling or what you’re thinking.
It’s alright. It’s perfectly normal.
3. Put yourself out there more
In order to build deep, meaningful relationships, you need to actually meet people.
Because technology has developed so much and we have phones and laptops now, nobody really wants to step out of their comfort zone.
Social media has tricked us into believing that we have friends if we get likes and followers.
And honestly, it doesn’t really make us feel connected to others. It just gives us a temporary high that is addictive.
And although it’s so easy to sit indoors and open websites where you can chat with strangers, it doesn’t really help us build authentic relationships.
We, humans, are very social creatures.
And even though it can be incredibly difficult and make us super anxious, it will slowly get easier with practice.
Here are a few ways you can start interacting with people more:
- Start conversations with people at coffee shops or checkout counters. Say “hi” and ask people how they’re doing.
- Take classes around your hobbies and passions so that you can find more like-minded people who are interested in the same things you are.
- Join meet-up groups (there are apps where you can see who is meeting up in your local community) and engage in conversations.
- Make it a point to make groups online and meet up regularly (once a week) to start engaging with people.
- Date (especially if you are looking to meet fun and interesting people).
- Talk to people at your office/workplace and go out to parties or events.
All my life I cribbed about not having a set of decent friends until someone knocked on my head and asked me, “Angela, how often do you even socialize?”
That was the trigger I needed to start going out and putting myself out there.
Now, even though I have friends and a boyfriend, I still find it hard to step out. I need that push to go out because I am just so comfortable at home.
It’s a constant struggle for a lot of people but you need to start stepping out of your comfort zone.
You can’t stay at home hoping for friends and a partner to fall into your lap. It won’t work – because I tried it.
4. Change your attitude
You will attract what you put out there.
This particular mantra changed how I function completely. It also changed my life.
If you’re depressed, gloomy, miserable, and bitter, how are you going to attract a happy, bubbly person that enjoys your company?
Start believing in yourself.
Start being positive and happy.
Focus on your dreams and aspirations. Make them come true. Find your life purpose and be passionate about your dreams.
This way, when you meet people you will actually have something to talk about.
Life is very short.
We don’t know how much time we have.
So, we gotta make the best use of it.
Learn to get out there and make things happen.
5. Do not change who you are as a person
The right people who are at your wavelength will vibe with you and you will find a group of people who love you.
It’s okay to be different.
It’s okay to not blend in and be a “weird” person.
It doesn’t matter if you’re into board games or like wearing sweatpants 24/7. Just be who you are. Own it.
It’s our differences that make us interesting. It is our unique characteristics that define who we really are.
If we all had the same face and the same characteristics, can you even imagine how boring the world would be?
6. Be kind to yourself and others
Whenever I felt alone, I’d try to think of how many people out there felt the same way.
That would help me feel better – just knowing that I wasn’t alone in feeling this way.
And then I’d go out and try to be kind to people. I’d volunteer at local charities or organizations. I’d stop by at dog shelters and just donate wherever I could.
Pain helps you feel how others feel. Pain helps you connect with others.
It’s a sign that we are destined to grow.
Because we now know how other people feel – it gives us a way to bond with others.
People who have gone through pain and survived are often wiser beyond their years. This is a fact.
So, it’s okay to feel pain.
Just channel it into something beautiful.
Sometimes the pain will hurt so much that you will not feel like doing anything – in this case, pamper yourself.
Just love yourself.
Read these books to learn how you can love yourself deeply.
Here are 2 posts that will help you learn more:
7. Know that the feeling is normal
At some point, every person in this world will feel alone or has felt alone.
It’s a natural feeling.
This feeling of not feeling like we belong is a survival instinct.
In the past, animals survived when they stuck together.
It’s an evolutionary thing.
So, when we have been alone for a while, our brains may go into self-defense mode and try to nudge us to make friends and acquaintances. It wants us to survive.
So, when you’re feeling extremely low, just know that tomorrow will be a better day.
This feeling is not going to last forever.
Remember, you have survived your worst days. You’ve made it through and you’re going to make it.
8. Ask yourself if there is something deeper than this want
When you desperately want someone to care for you, there is something deeper at play.
It could mean that you are insecure and just don’t feel like you’re enough so you want someone to fill that hole for you.
I used to feel this way after my break up and I realized that mentally, I needed to change.
I needed to be okay being single and alone.
When I started enjoying my own compan, that’s when I noticed a huge boost in my happiness meter.
Don’t get me wrong – I still wanted to be in a loving and committed relationship but I knew that I couldn’t find that person unless I was okay with being single for the time being.
I knew that I needed to learn how to be happy on my own before finding happiness in someone else’s company.
Keep the faith.
If you are looking for love, know that you will find love because this is what you want for yourself.
But at the same time, love yourself till then.
You cannot rush it – otherwise, you’re going to accept the next person that enters your life and that person may not be right for you.
So learn to be okay alone.
Ask yourself what is it that you really need.
More often than not, you’ll realize that it’s not people’s love. It’s your own.
You don’t need others to love or validate you.
As you grow in emotional maturity, you’ll realize that your self-worth has nothing to do with your relationship status or how many friends you have.
9. Let people go
Not everybody is meant to stay in your life.
Because people change, we change and the change isn’t always linear.
We will grow up wanting different things, having very different lives, and overall just being in very different places.
So, it’s alright to lose people.
Those people who love will make room for new people who will enter your lives.
Every single person that walked into your life had a role to play. Take away the life lesson, and let the person go when they’re leaving.
That’s what is going to keep you going.
10. Don’t stop being compassionate
Sometimes it can be tempting to change who you are just because you’re not getting what you want from the world.
But don’t do that.
Be who you are.
If you are a naturally loving and kind person, then let your light shine.
My boyfriend who is one of the most amazing and beautiful human beings I’ve ever met told me that he was attracted to my light.
I never understood it at first, but later it hit me.
That light that I was so tempted to put out because I was not fitting in anywhere led me to find love.
There were so many times when I wanted to throw in the towel and just stop trying.
But something would make me go back out there and be myself.
11. Be patient
Finding good friends is no easy feat.
It’s even harder when you’re an adult because we’re all so reserved and put up so many walls.
So, be patient.
It’s not something that will happen immediately.
You need to be consistent and believe that eventually, you’re going to find your people.
As for love, please read this post to be patient and wait for love.
I wrote that post when I was still single and surprisingly I ran into a person that same month who would then become my boyfriend.
You’re going to have many friends, acquaintances, buddies and so on with different levels of friendship.
Each person will have an important role to play in your life.
So, hang in there and don’t lose hope.
Here are a few more posts you’ll find helpful:
- How to focus on the present moment
- Alone outside and bored? 45 fun things you can do
- 9 reasons why friends come and go
- 12 ways to let go of a friend peacefully
- How I combatted loneliness and learned to be happy alone
- How to trust the process
- How to start a new chapter in life
- Why does no one understand me and what to do about it?
- 35 honest ways to change your life for the better