Last Updated on August 11, 2023 by Angela Vaz
First of all, I know how you feel.
I have walked in your shoes and gone through that phase where my then-boyfriend would receive texts from other girls.
I have been insecure, and I was always afraid he would cheat.
In this post, I will talk to you from woman to woman and tell you what to do if you are in this position where another woman is texting your man.
Read this post with an open mind.
My name is Angela, and I have a degree in Human Relationships in Psychology.
I’ve written extensively on cheating and infidelity, so check out the links at the bottom of this post.
Let’s dive in.
This post contains affiliate links, meaning I may make a commission at no extra cost to you if you decide to click on a link and purchase something. Click here to read the full disclaimer.
1. Know that you cannot control anyone’s actions
You can control your actions.
You can also control how you react to different situations.
But you cannot control anyone else’s actions or reactions.
You cannot control your boyfriend/husband’s actions.
You cannot control the women who choose to hit on him willingly.
That’s just how life works.
What you can do is work on yourself.
You always have a choice.
Now, if you are in a relationship with a handsome/charming lad, people will hit on him.
It doesn’t matter if he’s single or he’s in a relationship.
People will always try if they see someone worth something.
Confidence is a major turn-on for most people.
And you and your partner will get hit on a lot – you will have to learn to deal with it.
2. He is not going to cheat if he loves you
This is something I took a long time to understand.
Your boyfriend is not a doll.
He cannot be soiled or manipulated.
He has the ability to make choices – as do you.
Just like how you choose not to cheat on your boyfriend every single day, he has to make that choice too.
It takes 2 people to be in a relationship.
It’s a choice.
Love isn’t something that is forced upon us.
We wake up every morning and choose to be with our partner.
We choose to love and respect our partners, ourselves and our relationship with them.
I say this with a lot of love.
My ex-husband, who I had been with for 10 years, cheated on me with another married woman.
I placed zero blame on her – because my ex decided to cheat.
Refer to point 1: People will hit on you and your partner.
It’s your responsibility not to cheat.
It’s your partner’s responsibility not to cheat.
You wake up each morning and choose to be with each other.
That’s how it works.
3. Trust your partner
If you have taken it slow and easy and learned more and more about your partner as you kept dating – you’ve taken time to trust your boyfriend.
So, trust your boyfriend.
It’s difficult to trust when you’ve had issues in the past of being cheated on; I get it.
I, too, had difficulty trusting people after my ex cheated on me – but this is an issue you must fix.
You cannot be in a stable relationship if you don’t trust your partner.
You cannot make this relationship work if you constantly doubt your partner.
Your partner shouldn’t have to show you his phone for inspection.
This is a problem you are having, and you need to solve it.
I highly recommend talking to a therapist if you have issues trusting your partner.
4. Talk to your partner
Always talk to your partner.
Don’t yell, don’t overexplain.
Talk. Simply communicate with your partner and tell them how this makes you feel.
Watch his reaction.
If he’s used to people hitting on them and he constantly shuts them down because he feels strongly about you and loves being in a relationship with you – then you have nothing to worry about.
He’s handling the situation himself – that’s how healthy relationships are.
If he is the one that’s instigating the conversations with other girls, then you’re seeing a distinct red flag – leave.
If you know your partner is a good communicator and he has proved to you time and time again that he can solve problems by talking them out – don’t keep doubting him.
My current partner does get hit on a lot – but he politely explains that he’s in a relationship, and the conversation never goes further.
He’s a good communicator, and he loves and respects the relationship we both have.
He does have female friends, but these friends are also my friends, and vice versa.
It’s very crucial for both of you to be on the same side.
If he overreacts or over-defends himself, chances are there is something much deeper going on, and I recommend talking further.
5. Know that this controlling behavior and impulse you have isn’t normal
It’s not healthy to want to control someone else.
It’s not healthy to want to stop temptation.
As I mentioned earlier, temptation will always be present.
Men and women will hit on you and your partner.
But if both of you are in a loving relationship – there should be no issues whatsoever.
When you worry about a problem that isn’t yours to solve, you are fighting a battle that you cannot win.
This is not your problem – it’s his.
You need to understand that this is his choice.
You cannot babysit him and check his phone every day for messages from other women.
If you feel the need to do that, you need to take a step back and ask yourself if this is the kind of relationship you signed up for.
Is this the kind of peace you expected to have in this relationship?
6. Leave the relationship
If your partner has cheated on you before and you have issues trusting him, leave the relationship.
Everyone has a choice when it comes to cheating.
In my case, I left my ex-husband because he was cheating on me with a married woman and was also sleeping with prostitutes.
I couldn’t handle the lies and the breach of trust.
So, I personally left.
And I don’t regret making that choice.
I found a man who values and respects me – we’ve been dating for 2 years now.
I would never have found this person or been in such a healthy and stable relationship if I didn’t leave my ex.
So, I’m grateful I left.
I didn’t attempt to stop him from cheating or beg him to stay.
I knew he must have cheated because he was unhappy. He should have ended the relationship with me before pursuing another one because it was a huge waste of my time, but what’s happened has happened.
If you discover your partner is cheating, leave by all means.
But if your partner has given you no reason to doubt him, then stop monitoring his messages.
My honest opinion is to leave, especially if:
- You know you have trust issues – Seek therapy and resolve these trust issues with your partner or by yourself.
- Your partner has cheated on you or his ex – If your partner has cheated on you or his ex and you cannot make peace with this cheating, then it’s best to leave to find someone who can build a stable relationship with.
7. Know that you cannot convince someone to love you
As much as you love this person, leave if he is showing interest in other girls and it’s obviously more than friendships, or you know he’s discussing your personal relationship with other women.
As much as you love this person, know you cannot force anyone to love you.
Love needs to be mutual for a relationship to work.
You cannot force it.
You cannot keep getting rid of other girls and hoping your partner will remain loyal.
Like I said earlier, if he’s a cheater or insecure, he will cheat one way or another.
That’s how cheating is.
People who cheat will find a way to cheat.
All you can do is walk away and find someone else who will give you what you want.
This is probably one of the harshest lessons I’ve had to learn in love – but I have learned it, and I am glad I learned it young.
Is it wrong to ask your partner to stop talking to someone?
It is a sign of a deeply insecure person.
A relationship shouldn’t have to be about controlling your partner – this means the relationship is toxic and unhealthy.
As I said before, love is a choice.
Both of you chose to be with each other – so you need to respect each other and love each other.
Love also means giving each other space and trusting the other person to have your best interests in mind.
Just like how you expect your partner to trust you, you have to do the same with your partner.
It’s a two-way street.
And this trust and loyalty are going to be the foundation of your relationship, so please start it on the right foot.
Do not lay down rules and ask your partner to stop talking to certain people.
They are their own person, and they get to choose whom they talk to.
Please talk to a therapist if you feel insecure because of your past or unhealed childhood trauma. They can help you resolve these issues and gain more mental peace.
Work on self-love as well.
What to do if a girl is hitting on your boyfriend?
You trust that your boyfriend will handle it.
If your boyfriend is completely unaware that she is hitting on him because he is too naive, then let it go.
If you’ve informed your boyfriend of her intentions, watch him and see how he behaves.
If he politely tells her he’s in a relationship and handles it well, you have a nice lad.
There’s nothing to do.
If he encourages her or returns the flirting – you have found yourself a man who is not loyal and shady – I highly recommend finding someone who reciprocates your love and loyalty.
Trust your partner.
This is why I always recommend taking time to date your partner.
After a few weeks of dating, you discuss exclusivity and your relationship’s seriousness.
A relationship takes time to build – it doesn’t happen in a day or a week.
Love takes time.
And when you do build a relationship slowly – and watch for red flags, you automatically build a relationship with the right person.
My first relationship failed because it was built too quickly, and I ignored all the red flags staring at me in the face.
It’s very important to pay attention to your gut.
If this man has given you no reason to doubt him – don’t.
And stop caring about other girls – they are also dealing with feelings of insecurity. They are trying to find their way in the world.
If it’s not this girl, it will be another.
If you have a cheater on your hand, he may not cheat with this girl; he may cheat with another.
So never place blame on the girl – it’s your partner’s responsibility to be loyal in this relationship.
I hope this helps.
I have written about this topic a lot, and here are more posts that you might find helpful:
- 13 warning signs he thinks he owns you + what to do
- 17 signs he doesn’t value you + what to do
- 13 devastating things you should never forgive in a relationship
- 55 ways to comfort yourself without eating
- Why Your Boyfriend never gets jealous
- Does Body Count Matter? Everything You Really Need to Know
- What I Did to Get Over the Fear of Being Cheated on
- Do cheaters ever realize what they’ve lost?
- Can a guy love you and still cheat?
- He keeps cheating on me, what do I do?
- Here’s What to Say to the Girl He’s Cheated With
- What to Do When Your Cheating Ex Wants to be Friends
- How to Make a Cheating Boyfriend Feel Bad + What I did
- Finding Peace: How to Stop Thinking About Someone Who Hurt You
- How to Rebuild your Life After Losing Everything that Matters