Last Updated on April 10, 2023 by Angela Vaz
I’m sorry for the pain you are going through.
Please know that I am writing this post only because I have personally been in your shoes.
I was married to a man and I had been with him for a total of 9 years. Out of those 9 years, I was married to him for 4 and a half years.
He cheated on me for over 2 years.
In this post, I want to talk to you about your options.
I will cover the topic from every angle possible so that you can make the best decision moving forward.
Try to read everything with an open mind.
I know it’s not easy as there are a lot of feelings involved, but I am going to try to break this down as best as I can.
Know that nobody is going to going to force you to take a decision.
Whether you choose to stay or you choose to leave – it’s completely your call.
This is your life and every decision you take impacts you – so the ball is in your court.
At the end of this post, I’ll link to several similar posts I’ve written on this subject.
I have personally been through this, so everything I write – I write from experience and a place of love.
But before that really quick, I have a comprehensive, personally-written guide on how to reset your life. Signing up below will also mean getting weekly emails that I write myself.
This post contains affiliate links, meaning I may make a commission at no extra cost to you if you decide to click on a link and purchase something. Click here to read the full disclaimer.
What to do if he keeps on cheating?
Whether you are in a marriage or a relationship, I’m going to talk about everything you can do if you find out that your partner is cheating on you.
1. Do not blame yourself
Please know that cheating does not mean that:
- There is something wrong with you
- You are boring or you aren’t sexually attractive
- You are at fault
Yes, there is something wrong that is leading him to cheat, but stop blaming yourself.
This is not going to fix the problem and more importantly, it’s not your fault.
I’ve covered this in several posts before, but the main reason why people cheat is that:
- They have unhealed childhood trauma
- They have a bad relationship with their mother, which leads to intimacy issues – basically, they find it hard to become vulnerable to a woman and form a strong relationship with her
- They do not know what they want in life so they constantly chase highs and adrenaline rush
- They are deeply insecure and will chase anyone that gives them any sort of validation
I’m telling you this because you need to understand that he is cheating because of issues he hasn’t resolved.
It has nothing to do with you.
You may have a troubling relationship or you may have communication problems in your relationship – but he can go for counseling or attend couples counseling with you or try to work through the problems before ending the relationship with you.
Cheating is giving him the reassurance that he can sleep with someone while retaining the benefits of coming home to you.
2. Do not blame the person he is cheating with
Please hear me out if this sounds contradictory.
Yes, the person he is cheating with also has issues.
But it is not on her to save your marriage.
You are married to your partner – not the world.
You should not expect other people to uphold the vows of your marriage or not break your trust.
It doesn’t matter if you believe she “tempted” him. No person can come between you and your partner if you both are in love and deeply respect each other.
It doesn’t matter if she threw her naked body on your partner – he chose to cheat.
He chose to have this affair and keep having this affair.
Do not blame the girl/boy he’s cheating with.
It’s not on them.
Do not misdirect your hurt or anger onto this person.
Let it go.
Here’s what I recommend you say to the person he cheats with: Nothing.
When I found out that my husband was cheating on me with the neighbor, I said nothing to the woman.
I knew her. She had tried to become my friend over the last year. She would even send her kids to my house if they needed help with something. I knew her personally.
But the cheating was not on her. My ex-husband was 100% responsible for the affair.
It was his choice to cheat on me and start a relationship with her while still being married to me.
The responsibility was his. If he had issues with me, he should have ended the marriage before sleeping with someone else.
He not only wasted my time but also made me vulnerable to STIs.
So, no. I didn’t get mad at her or even once tried to talk to her.
I simply left.
3. Do not ignore the problem
As a woman from an Indian background who was also raised as a Christian, I always believed that it was up to me to make the marriage work.
I thought it was the right thing to do.
My cultural and religious beliefs in the past forced me to adhere to my marriage vows.
So, I ignored all the problems that led to the cheating.
I was a coward back then. And I’m not afraid to admit my mistake.
Ignoring this problem is only going to:
- Show him that you do not respect yourself
- Show him that you are ready to put up with any kind of behavior
- Indicate that you care more about what people think of the relationship than what is really going on.
Please know that if he keeps cheating, there is a high possibility that he is not going to stop.
So, you will have to do something about it.
You will have to deal with it.
Whether you choose to stay or you choose to leave, you need to let him know.
Not many people like confrontation, which brings me to my next point.
4. You’re going to feel a range of emotions
I felt anger, betrayal, and intense sadness.
The sadness came afterward, I will admit.
But I felt intense anger.
I felt like he’d wasted my time – precious time I could have spent alone trying to heal from this abusive relationship.
After I left, I felt numb.
You may feel all sorts of emotions – take some time to go through them.
You may want to scream into a pillow or cry in your car.
Don’t feel abashed and try to squash your feelings – it’s not healthy and will only come out in other ways.
You will overthink.
Your brain will go into a frenzy trying to get answers. You may replay several scenarios in your head trying to conjure up whether he was cheating those times too.
You will overthink – it’s normal.
Here’s a post I wrote to stop overthinking after you discover he’s been cheating.
5. Talk to him
At any point, do not yell or scream.
This is not going to give you answers.
But you do need to talk to him.
When you do, just tell him what you know.
And let him do all the talking.
He may play the blame game or he may take full responsibility.
He may beg for forgiveness, or he won’t.
It’s difficult to know what route he will take, but listen.
Listen to everything he has to say with an open mind.
Take note of everything he says.
Record it on your phone if you feel it will help you with your divorce.
Politely tell him what is going to happen if you’ve already made up your mind to leave.
6. Know that there is no such thing as closure
Unfortunately, not everyone’s love life is a fairy tale.
Cheating happens more often than you think.
It happens because of the reasons I’ve mentioned above.
I’m sorry you didn’t get the relationship you hoped for.
You may want answers.
You may have several questions that your partner refused to answer – that’s okay.
The closure is a myth.
Nothing he says or does is going to repair the relationship that has broken.
The trust is gone.
The relationship is cracked.
My mom always used to say, “Cheating is like breaking a mirror. You may be able to fix it, but the cracks will always remain.”
She was a wise woman.
I remember running several scenarios in my head wondering why this happened, what times did it happen, why I was so stupid to realize it so late, and so on.
None of it helped.
It just made me angry and sad.
So, no, closure is a myth.
I remember asking him why he didn’t just end the relationship with me before pursuing one with her. He replied, “I didn’t know you’d let me leave. I thought you’d ask me to stay.”
He’d been with me for 9 years and still didn’t know how I worked.
He was shocked that I wanted a divorce.
He was actually surprised that I wanted to end the relationship and pursue my own life.
That’s how little he knew me.
7. Know that nobody pays the price except you
Please stop thinking of the kids or of your family.
Your relationship with your husband is yours.
It doesn’t affect your family or your kids as it does you.
You bear 99% of the effects.
You have to deal with the cheating and the heartbreak.
Whether you decide to leave or stay, you have to think of how it affects you.
You need to understand that you may miss him and you still love him, but he will continue to cheat if given the chance.
If he’s done it once and keeps on cheating, it means he has no intention of changing.
Or he wants to change but doesn’t want to let you go because he wants you to.
Either way, he wants to have his cake and eat it too.
His needs and his wants come before you.
He doesn’t respect you enough to stay faithful or end the relationship peacefully.
He wants you to be with him while he gets his needs met elsewhere.
You need to ask yourself, if this is worth the pain.
- Is staying with a man who constantly breaks your heart worth it?
- Would you rather be alone and single for a while than be with someone who constantly breaks your heart and disrespects you?
- Are you strong enough to face the next chapter of your life alone?
These are questions only you can answer.
8. Understand that it is harder with kids
I know it’s hard.
It’s even harder when you have kids.
You may want to stay with your partner because you have kids and it will be difficult to start from scratch.
But before you go down that route, please remember by staying in the relationship, you are indirectly telling your kids:
- It’s okay to be unhappy in a relationship
- It’s okay to stay with your partner if he cheats on you.
- Love and relationships are all about one person’s sacrifice, and it’s all one-sided.
Please know that your kids will find it very difficult to build stable romantic relationships in the future if they see you both compromise on your happiness now.
Kids pick up a lot of information. And they may be small, but they pick up vibes and feelings.
9. Know that you are delaying your happiness if you stay
People find out their partners are cheating on them at any age.
Some at 17, some at 34, some at 58.
There is no set age for discovering this.
It’s not just about the cheating, it’s about the constant lying and disrespect more than anything else.
Please know that this will affect all areas of your life.
My work and my happiness were directly affected by the unhappiness and heaviness I felt during that relationship.
I cannot even begin to describe how happy and peaceful I felt when I left.
- Yes, I was alone again after so many years of being in a stable relationship.
- Yes, I endured a lot of stigma being a divorcee in India.
- Yes, I had to start from scratch at the age of 27 again.
It didn’t matter.
I had my dogs and I had my work.
I knew I’d find my way back to happiness once again.
Please know that if you want to stay single, that’s fine. If you want to find a romantic relationship in the future, it will happen only if you leave this one now.
10. Know that anything is possible if you believe in yourself
You have the power to leave.
You have the power to walk away.
Nobody is tying you to this person.
And if you really want to leave, you can.
Countless women before you have walked away from relationships and marriages that have brought them sadness.
They’ve discovered peace, happiness and joy at different ages just by leaving.
You have that choice.
And it’s all up to you.
You get to decide if you want to continue living with this man or not.
And nobody should tell you what is right or wrong.
This is your decision.
If you aren’t happy, you get to decide to leave or stay.
This is your life – remember that.
11. Get your finances in order
Find a way to work and save up money so you can move out.
I cover how you can minimize your expenses while living alone here.
In my case, I was lucky.
I had saved up for a rainy day so I packed my dogs and belongings and immediately shifted to a new apartment.
If this is not the case for you, find a way to either save up money and move out or get a new job and slowly move out.
Spend some time calculating living expenses, you don’t need a lot to live by yourself or with a roommate.
I personally have helped 2 friends go through painful divorces and have been at their side while they shifted out and found their own place to live.
It’s not easy – the transition is never smooth.
But at the end of the day, you only need the courage to take that first step.
The rest will slowly fall into place.
Whrther you decide to stay or leave, get your finances in order. Every single person should have their own savings because life is unpredictable.
And please, never depend on your husband/significant other financially – it’s dangerous.
It doesn’t matter if he’s a good man – always have your own income.
12. Know that if you still love him, that’s okay
You can love someone immensely and still know that they are not right for you.
You can love them and miss them terribly and still know that it’s not the right relationship for you.
Love doesn’t go away.
We are human beings – not light switches that can be turned on and off.
You can still love him and choose to walk away because you respect yourself.
Know that it’s okay.
You will get over this if you decide to choose yourself.
You will be all right alone.
13. Love yourself
Please know that you deserve someone who loves you from the bottom of their heart.
If you crave a monogamous relationship, you deserve that much.
Loyalty is the basis of a monogamous relationship – it’s not hard.
If he is polyamorous or incapable of handling a relationship where he needs to be faithful, he never should have entered one with you.
Please know that all men don’t cheat.
This isn’t something you have to put up with.
I want you to love yourself.
You need to treat yourself with the same kindness as you would a child.
It doesn’t matter if you’ve made mistakes in the past, everybody deserves love.
He may be a good person (I’m not saying he’s bad). He may be kind and loving, and supportive.
But at the end of the day, if he can’t love you and respect you enough to be loyal, then he is failing at the fundamentals of a basic monogamous relationship.
He is also choosing to disrespect you by sleeping with someone else.
When a person loves themselves, they realize that they are capable of so much more.
In my own personal experience, I craved love.
I wanted it so much from someone else, that I refused to give it to myself.
I always looked for love outside of myself.
That’s why I accepted any kind of love from people and I went through such horrendous relationships.
Once I learned to love myself, I realized I deserved better.
I am now in a beautiful relationship with a lovely human being.
We have been together for 2 years and I never would have met this man had I stayed with my ex.
14. Stay single for a while
When your heart is broken, don’t date.
Even if you feel it’s not, don’t date.
Take some time to heal from the trauma of this relationship.
You need to be okay on your own before you look for love again.
You may either crave love or you may not want to date again.
Either is fine.
Again, this is your decision, this is your life.
So, you can choose whatever you feel is best.
If you don’t want to date, don’t.
If you want to date, I suggest waiting till you heal.
When you come out of a tough relationship, you will be vulnerable. You may date people who are not right for you.
Even the tiniest bit of kindness will feel humongous and you will be captivated by it.
Remember, if you aren’t healed, you will end up dumping your emotional baggage on a new person you date – they don’t deserve this.
So, wait till you heal.
And then decide if you want to date or not date.
15. Know you will get through this if you leave
Leaving isn’t easy.
My entire life changed and it was hard.
But it was also so much more peaceful.
I enjoyed my new life – the divorce was not easy and extremely messy.
But I got my divorce after a year. We were in the middle of a pandemic, so it got delayed.
But I can honestly say, that I don’t regret anything that happened.
That relationship taught me to respect myself and love myself.
It taught me to be patient and kind.
I was able to help so many women after that only because I went through that myself.
So I see it as an event that happened.
We had our problems and the cheating only reflected that both of us weren’t happy.
We weren’t getting our needs met.
So, I let him go.
And I chose to move on.
16. You cannot control what happens to you
You cannot control what happens in your life, to you.
I’m sorry you were cheated on.
Believe me, I am.
From the bottom of my heart, I wish this pain on no one because I know what it feels like to have your heart torn from the pain.
But please hear me out.
You cannot control the actions of others.
Your husband or boyfriend isn’t your puppet.
He will do what he feels is right or what he feels will make him happy – whether or not it affects you.
You only have control of your actions and your life.
It’s your choice – you want to stay, stay.
If you want to leave, leave.
But know that no matter what decision you take, you need to stick with it.
See it through.
Know that if you continue to have him in your life, you are indirectly accepting the cheating.
If you decide to stay, know that you will have to put up with his cheating for as long as you both continue to live together.
If you decide to leave, know that life will be bumpy for a while, but it will get better.
I’ve been through what you have.
I’ve cried the same tears you cried.
And I’ve come out of that long and dark tunnel.
I’ve never been happier and I’m writing this post from a place of peace, wisdom, and love.
17. There is nothing you cannot do alone
Whether it is raising kids, taking care of a sick parent, or supporting yourself financially – know that it can be done.
You are strong and you’ll find a way if you really want to.
You have what it takes.
You are special.
It doesn’t matter if you don’t have experience.
Make an effort.
Tell yourself that you can do this and get out there and do it.
You can rebuild your life at any age – I promise.
Yes, I know leaving a relationship is hard.
But this is also the start of something new.
- Go back to school or continue your studies in something you love
- You can get a better-paying job and advance in your career
- You can travel or go somewhere else (somewhere you’ve wanted to go)
- You can pursue new hobbies and passions
- You can find love again someday if you decide you want to try again
- You can make new friends at any age like I did
The possibilities are endless.
You just need to be ready to start a new chapter in your life.
18. Lean on someone you can trust
If you have friends and family you trust and know that they have your back, share this with them.
If they are more worried about your husband/boyfriend than your welfare, find someone you can trust to be unbiased like a therapist or counselor.
Speaking to a therapist gave me strength and helped me see my situation with clarity.
I was able to understand why my ex did what he did.
I was able to maintain my calm and leave the relationship with grace.
Knowing so many people have been cheated on gave me the courage to do this.
I knew I wasn’t alone and I knew that I was going through heartbreak like millions before I have.
19. Know that people find love at every age
A woman I’m very close to was single in her 50s.
She was cheated on and she left with her daughters.
She thought she’d be single forever, but she found love at the age of 54.
She’s been happily married and she’s in a good place.
Love finds you at any age.
But you will never find that level of honesty, commitment, and loyalty if you choose to stay with a man that disrespects you.
Know that you are wasting precious time by continuing to stay and hope for change.
You are telling yourself that your time and love don’t matter.
It is better to leave now, heal and find your place in life than stay with this person and continue to drown with him.
All the love and peace you need exist within you.
No matter what decision you choose to take, I wish you strength, courage, and love.
Here are more posts you may find helpful:
- How to afford to live alone
- 13 insightful tips to help you live alone!
- How to Make a Cheating Boyfriend Feel Bad + What I did
- Should I Tell Her He Cheated With Me? What You Need to Know
- What I Did to Get Over the Fear of Being Cheated on
- Should You Take Him Back? If He Cheated on You With His Ex
- Does He Love You if He Cheats on his Girlfriend with You?
- Here’s What to Say to the Girl He’s Cheated With
- What to Do When Your Cheating Ex Wants to be Friends
- Your Wife Cheated and Wants to Reconcile: Here’s What You Do
- I Caught Him Cheating – What I did to Stop Overthinking
- How I got over my cheating ex and found happiness
- No One Compares to Your Ex: Here’s What You Should Do
- 13 Unmistakable Signs He Thinks He Owns You + What to Do
- 13 Undeniable Signs Your Needs Aren’t Being Met + What to Do
- Finding Peace: How to Stop Thinking About Someone Who Hurt You
- 17 Unmistakable Situationship Red Flags that You Should Heed
- I Hate My Ex-Husband So Much – What I did to Stop and Move on
- 7 Reasons Why Your Husband Left You For No Reason – What I Did
- I Thought He Was The One: What I Did After I Lost Him
- How to Rebuild your Life After Losing Everything that Matters
- Will I Ever Find Love Again? You Need to Read this
- 13 Ways to Feel Loved When You Feel Nobody Loves You