Last Updated on January 1, 2023 by Angela Vaz

You feel guilty.

Because he cheated on her with you.

And you’re debating telling her or not.

I hear you.

You want to clear the air and feel at peace.

At the same time, you want her to know the truth.

So, what should you do?

Here’s everything you need to know from both standpoints regarding if you should tell her he cheated on her with you or not.

I have been cheated on by my ex-husband and I’m going to include my experiences in this post as well.

The answer isn’t straightforward because there are multiple scenarios you need to consider.

I am also going to link to multiple similar posts on cheating below this, so please have a read if you’re looking for more information.

Let’s begin.

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1. Forgive yourself

forgive yourself

Don’t do this because you feel bad or you feel hatred towards yourself.

That is the wrong reason to go and tell her.

The fact that you are even considering telling her means that you have a working conscience.

You are aware of what has happened and you are considering rectifying that to make things right.

Mistakes happen.

Maybe you knew about him having a relationship and maybe you didn’t.

Either way, you have to understand that it is partially his responsibility for cheating on her.

Consider everything that he’s told you:

  • Maybe he promised that he would end things with her, but he didn’t.
  • Maybe he said he was unhappy and told you that you made him happy.
  • Perhaps he said that was single and you later found out that he wasn’t.
  • Or maybe you fully knew what was going on and you decided at the moment that it wasn’t a big deal

Either way, cut yourself some slack.

You aren’t the sole reason that the relationship between them broke. There are multiple other factors that have led to his cheating.

Know that the past is in the past.

You cannot change the past and you cannot undo what has been done.

But you are aware of everything now, so know that you have the ability to make things right.

So learn to forgive yourself.

2. Break it off with him first

break it off with him

Before you even consider going to tell her about him, break off relations with him first.

You don’t want to be in a situationship.

Nobody has ever had a successful relationship with someone when they’re in that constant battle between “will he, won’t he?” scenarios.

You want a clear conscious whether you do decide to tell her or not.

A person who cheats on their relationship has communication issues and is deeply insecure most of the time.

They cannot confront their spouse regarding the issues they have in the relationship.

Or they put their needs first over their partner’s needs and decide to have an affair.

You didn’t pull a gun on him and force him to cheat on his girlfriend – he did this of his own volition.

So, make sure that you end things.

Either end it over text or end it over call.

Whatever the case, let it be quick.

If you don’t like the confrontation, and he’s constantly harassing you to get back together, end it with silence.

You don’t owe anyone an explanation as to why you don’t want to continue hurting someone – in this case, silence is alright.

Know that this is the first step to healing.

Do this for yourself.

Don’t do this for him or for his partner.

Do this because you want a better life and you want a better partner – one that will commit to you and not cheat on your partner.

Do this because you want clarity and peace.

3. Consider how well you know her

consider how well you know her

If she is your friend or an acquaintance you know very well, then you can consider telling her.

The chances of her believing you are higher if you personally know her.

You need to gather all your proof and go prepared.

Do not try telling her without proof – it may not work out well for you.

If you do decide to tell her, be gentle.

You can either text her or you can call her. You can even meet her in person.

You decide how you want to tell her – but be kind.

4. Protect your identity

protect your identity

If you do not know this woman and have no idea how she will react, do not reveal your identity.

In my case, nobody told me about the affair.

His friends hid it from me and so did his parents. They protected him for financial reasons and knew that he wouldn’t be able to live on his own without my financial aid.

I found out all by myself and I knew the woman well.

I did not confront her and I knew she wasn’t to blame. She was married and she could have been anyone, so I only held my ex accountable.

In my case, I didn’t get violent with anyone.

I quietly packed my belongings and my dogs and left the house.

I filed for a divorce.

But I know a lot of women who don’t take this approach.

They are in denial, and they will fight with the woman instead of blaming their husband/boyfriend.

They may even get violent and do horrible things to the girl who their partner slept with because they feel that the outsider is a threat.

These are the people you need to be wary of.

If you have no idea who she is, and you can’t be sure that she is going to be calm – do not tell her.

You aren’t obligated to fix something between a stranger and her partner.

End the relationship with the man and move on.

If you still feel you need to tell her, please protect your identity and provide the proof anonymously.

You can remove your name and message her anonymously.

5. Stop reading forums

do not read forums

Every forum I find on this topic will tell the person to tell the other girl.

But please understand that these people are not in your shoes and have no idea how the other girl will react.

Let’s say the girl takes her own life because she has mental issues.

Are you going to take responsibility for that?

Or let’s say she gets violent and makes your life a living hell.

There are instances where the other woman has vandalized property, physically harmed the other woman, or jeopardized their job because they felt the other woman “deserves it.”

There is nothing stopping them from harming you and you need to understand that this is a real possibility.

Consider all these scenarios before you try telling someone when you don’t know how they will react.

If you have no idea what is going to follow, it’s okay to walk away.

Now, if you are sure that she is not violent and is very logical, you can tell her.

6. Be prepared for what follows

be prepared for what follows

If you know this woman, there is a good chance she will not talk to you again or want nothing to do with you.

It’s normal.

You have to make your peace with the fact that she is going to hate you.

Because she will blame you for the relationship reaching this situation.

People get comfort when they have someone to blame, especially if they are hurting.

So, if you do decide to tell her, be okay with what follows.

If you know her well, you can consider telling her.

Tell her calmly first either via text or call. You can also meet up with her and break it to her gently.

If she doesn’t believe you, please hand over the proof and show her everything that has transpired between you and her partner.

Do not go tell her without proof.

If you do not have proof, don’t try telling her – it’s not going to end well.

7. Do not give her advice

do not give her advice

It may be very tempting to give her advice and tell her to leave him.

Don’t.

Your business ends with telling her if you choose to do that.

Do not try telling her what to do.

What she decides to do moving on is none of your business.

She may:

  • Talk to him and hear his side out
  • Leave him or divorce him
  • Give him another chance

Her actions are not on you.

After you’ve done your part, walk away. If she is your friend, you can be supportive. But do not try to tell her what she should do.

8. Move on

move on

Whether you do decide to tell her or not, there is no right answer.

People on the internet will say that you should have told, but they don’t know the situation – only you do.

They don’t know the people involved, only you do.

So, if you decide to put it behind you and let the universe deal with it, that’s okay too.

Honestly, from my experience – if anyone had told me that my ex-husband was cheating on me – I wouldn’t have believed them.

I had that much trust in my ex.

I knew he was an abuser, but I never imagined he’d cheat – I was naive and I paid the price.

The relationship became sour and hopeless and although I was upset he cheated, I was also relieved because I could now walk away from a toxic and abusive relationship with a clear conscious.

I could pat myself on the back and say that I tried and it didn’t work.

His cheating was the best thing that happened to me and my relationship – I saw it as a blessing.

I later found out through neighbors that he was also sleeping with prostitutes.

So he was obviously cheating on her too.

My point is if you have put this behind you and decided to never see him again – that’s completely okay too.

Most people who cheat have a whole lot of other issues in their relationship. It’s something that they and their partners need to solve by themselves.

So, let it go.

9. Take your time to heal

take your time to heal

None of this stress and pain is worth it.

Take your time to heal.

Don’t jump into a relationship with someone else because you feel lonely or are hurt.

The hurt will simply transfer to the next person. It isn’t fair to the next person you date if you haven’t healed and are not whole yet.

Take some time to get over this situation.

Maybe it went over smoothly. Or maybe it made you feel horrible and completely broke you.

Either way, focus on the lessons and the takeaways, and do not punish yourself for something you’ve done in the past.

If you loved him, take some time to get over the heartbreak.

Take time to find your identity again.

Start getting back on your feet and do more things that make you feel happy and loved.

Maybe it’s gardening, maybe it’s exercising.

Find yourself.

And most importantly, forgive yourself.

As I said earlier, the past is in the past. Don’t let it dictate your present or future.

Here are a few more posts that will help:

Angela is a 30 year old Illustrator and Blogger living with her 2 adorable labradors in Bangalore, India. She has a degree in Psychology and Human Relationships from the University of Toronto. When she's not writing her heart out or drawing, you'll find her sipping chai and reading non-fiction books.

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