Last Updated on November 18, 2022 by Angela Vaz
This topic is not discussed often enough.
I am only talking about it because I was married to my first boyfriend.
We had been together for 9 years and he was cheating with a neighbor.
Granted, it was not his ex.
But I feel I can talk about this issue because I know a few women who have had the same thing happen to them.
And here is what you need to know.
If your boyfriend cheated on you with his ex, should you take him back?
Let’s discuss this.
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Is it okay to get back with your ex who cheated on you?
I can’t speak for everyone.
But most people who cheat do it because they suffer from insecurity.
They feel they can never measure up or be good enough and they constantly need validation to feel satiated.
This has nothing to do with their partner but is solely based on their low self-esteem. I cover that here in reasons why people cheat on their partners.
It doesn’t mean that they love you less or they love their exes more.
I’m not generalizing but most people who cheat, cheat because of the issues they have personally.
And more often than not, even if you do take back your ex, there is a very high likelihood that he/she will do it again.
My ex who cheated on me continued to cheat on me with the neighbor and also cheated on her and me by sleeping with dozens of prostitutes.
His low self-esteem presented in many other ways like violence, incessant fights and arguments with random strangers and loved ones and the inability to focus on work.
But the cheating was something I knew I couldn’t change.
I cannot tell you what to do but I can advice you to not take your partner back unless you are okay with it happening again. I’ll explain why in a moment.
Should I take him back after he cheated on me with his ex? 5 things to consider
1. You need to focus on what is important
You need to understand one very important thing – love is only 1 part of the equation.
You may love your boyfriend to the ends of the world but no relationship can work on love alone.
It takes 2 people to build a successful relationship.
Your love is not going to change him.
People rarely change.
And even if he wants to, it’s up to him to change.
So you have to ask yourself, does he love you as much as you love him?
If he really loved you, would he cheat on you?
Is he repentant about his cheating?
Is he willing to go to therapy or couple’s counselling?
2. The trust is broken
He chose to cheat on you with his ex (the person he cheated on you with doesn’t matter) and the trust is broken.
It’s not the cheating that is important, it’s the betrayal of the trust you need to consider.
When 2 people willingly enter a monogamous relationship, they are solemnly making a pact to be together for as long as the relationship is viable.
If he wanted to sleep with his ex, he should have done what was right by you and ended the relationship with you before sleeping with her.
You can never “go back to the way things were” because the trust has been broken.
Even if you continue dating and pretend that nothing has ever happened, deep down you may always be suspicious to leave him alone for a long time.
Let’s say you are going to another country for work or family affairs.
Can you rest easy knowing that your ex will not cheat again?
Can you rebuild that trust again?
These are questions you need to ask yourself before you proceed with taking him back.
3. Know that it’s okay to love someone and still leave
My second ex was someone I truly loved.
My heart ached for him but I knew he wasn’t the right person for me because he left me when I was at my lowest.
He couldn’t make peace with the fact that I was a divorcee and he used the Bible to break up with me saying that God was unhappy.
I still loved him but even if he came back, I’d never accept him.
I tell many women and men who miss their exes the same thing.
It’s okay to love a person and miss them and still know that they are not right for you.
We aren’t switches.
Just because someone hurts us, we cannot switch off our love and move on with our lives like nothing has happened.
It’s perfectly normal to feel intense pain and anguish over losing someone that you considered your love and partner.
Your identities merged while you spent time together – and that’s completely understandable.
But it’s alright to be alone rather than be miserable in a relationship with someone you love.
Love doesn’t always mean marriage and sticking together.
You always have to think about what is best for you and your partner.
If your partner is telling you that he wants to come back, it could be because he doesn’t want to lose you.
It may not be because he loves you – please know the difference.
People cheat because they don’t want to lose what they currently have with their partners.
Even if you have kids, you need to consider what’s best for them.
Having parents that are unhappy and don’t trust each other is going to give them a very warped idea of love.
They’ll understand that it’s okay to be in unhappy relationships and “stick it out.”
Everything you do is an example you set for them.
4. Can you accept that you’ll always be second?
You aren’t second to his ex.
You are second to his wants and needs.
At the end of the day, he chose his wants and needs over you even if it was just for a moment or a day.
He chose to disrespect you and the relationship he had with you to sleep with someone else – to fulfil his needs, to feel better about himself.
Even though a lot of people find cheating hard to swallow, it does happen and it happens often.
Infidelity is a major reason why people get divorced or separated.
If you do take him back, you are indirectly telling him that he can do what he wants and you will always find it in your heart to forget and forgive.
He needs to understand that he cannot disrespect the woman he claims to love.
5. You will never find Mr Right
I don’t believe in “the one.”
I don’t believe that there is 1 person out there for everyone.
But I do believe that there are right people for us at a certain time.
If I had clung on to my cheating ex or my second ex who left me for his religion, I never would have found my current partner.
My current partner loves and respects me for who I am.
He too had been hurt multiple times before and he too has gone through incredible pain in relationships, including losing his fiance to death.
But in the end, that’s the chance we all have to take.
Do we cling on to these people who cause us pain in fear of never finding love or do we let go and decide to be single till the day comes that we do find someone who loves us just as much as we love them?
Is this a choice you are ready to make?
Because it’s not easy.
It can be very painful to know your partner cheated.
Believe me when I say that it’s a nightmare.
It can shatter your confidence and you will constantly be overthinking after being cheated on.
But how you choose to react will make the real impact on your life.
If you take him back, you need to be okay getting your heart broken sometime in the future because he may cheat again – there is no guarantee.
Most people who cheat often succumb to doing it again.
And if you do decide to leave him and be single, then this may hurt for a while – but it will make you stronger.
You will get over it just like everyone else has.
I’m not saying the next few months or years will be easy.
You will have to rebuild your life from scratch.
And it’s going to be hard.
But honestly, for me, leaving and starting on a clean slate was the best thing I’ve ever done.
I decided that I loved myself and deserved someone who could do the bare minimum – please know that the bare minimum of a monogamous relationship is not sleeping with someone other than your partner.
I felt like my bar was too low and I needed to move on because I deserved more respect and love than what I was getting.
I feel that if you want a monogamous relationship, a relationship of long-term commitment, love and respect – you need to say no to the wrong men so that you can find the right one.
There are a lot more things you need to consider before you decide to take him back that is difficult to cover in a single article.
So, I’m going to link to more articles, I’ve written on this subject as a person who has been cheated on and survived.
I am sorry that you are going through this – I wish this pain on no one. But I hope that you know that you are not alone.
Here are a few articles that might help:
- Does he love you if he cheats on his girlfriend with you?
- 7 reasons why a husband just leaves for no reason
- What to say to the woman he’s cheating on you with
- What I did when I found out my ex was cheating on me
- My wife cheated on me and wants to reconcile, what do I do?
- My cheating ex wants to be friends, what do I do?
- How to recover after a toxic relationship
- How to love yourself as a single woman
- 17 signs your partner doesn’t respect or value you
- 17 signs he only wants you for your body
- 21 signs he thinks you’re not good enough
- I thought he was the one: What did I do after losing him
- How to rebuild your life after losing everything that matters
- Struggling with singleness? Read this
- How to recover from a toxic relationship
- Will I ever find love again? Yes, here’s why
- How to prepare yourself for a relationship and find love
- Will I ever find someone better than my ex? Yes, read this
- 7 books to read after a painful breakup
- 13 signs you are healing from a painful breakup