Last Updated on March 11, 2024 by Angela Vaz
I think we all have that point in our lives when we really like someone.
Everything clicks, and we begin to feel like nobody will ever understand us the way they do.
We start to fall in love, and everything feels right.
You just feel it in your bones and you know you both are meant to be together.
You can’t imagine your life with anyone else.
It physically hurts you to think of living life alone or with someone else.
That’s when you know that the person is the one.
But in my case, it turned out differently.
I lost the person I thought was the one.
What did I do next?
I want to talk about that in this post.
But before that really quick, get my free guide on how to really reset your life.
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A little backstory
I can’t really proceed with this blog post unless I tell you a little bit about how I lost the man I thought was the one.
It is a personal story but I am okay sharing that with you because I know you wouldn’t be here unless you were in pain.
So, here is my story.
I was in a terrible marriage. I’d married young.
My ex-husband abused my dogs and me emotionally and physically.
But I didn’t have the guts to leave him. Deep down, I hoped he would change.
I was very naive and a huge coward.
After almost 9 and a half years of being together, I discovered he was cheating on me.
More than outraged, I was relieved.
I finally got my ticket out.
Yes, I was heartbroken. But at that point, I knew it was never meant to be.
I got my answer and I packed my belongings and took my dogs and left.
My self-confidence had taken a massive blow and I tried dating all to no avail.
Instead of taking time to heal from this relationship, I went out on dates trying to find the next Mr. Right.
Instead, I found love in a newfound friendship.
He was kind, he was loving and he showed my dogs nothing but compassion and love.
We were friends but because I was vulnerable and hadn’t taken the time to heal, I fell hook, line, and sinker.
We confessed our feelings for each other and things could be better.
He said he couldn’t tell his parents unless my divorce got finalized because they were mighty orthodox. I was okay with that.
But in India, there is a long-waiting period even if your divorce is mutual.
Nonetheless, we lived together for a whole year due to the pandemic while I simultaneously handled the divorce proceedings.
He was unbelievably kind and supportive with my mum’s cancer, we talked every day and worked together side by side.
It was a magical year.
And then the unthinkable happened.
The day I got my divorce, he broke up with me stating he had seen a vision of God showing him he was meant to be with another girl.
I was stunned.
Not only did I not know that he was ultra-religious, but the breakup came from nowhere.
I had invested so much into that relationship that I couldn’t fathom what was happening.
The reason for the breakup made no sense to me.
On that same night, he told me how he was always against homosexuals, sex before marriage (even though he was okay with having an intimate relationship with me before marriage), abortions, and divorce.
I didn’t know if he was kidding or if he was serious.
He had never spoken about his views regarding these topics in the 1 year we dated. It was like I was dating a whole other person.
That was quite possibly the lowest I’d ever been.
I’d never cried that hard.
I was physically hurt by the pain of losing him.
It took me a week to see that he was never right for me. But to get over the pain of losing someone you love is not easy.
I still loved him even though he had lied to me about so many things.
He had views and goals that were far different from mine. And with time I realized we would have never worked out.
It was for the best.
I could never have had a relationship with such a person who was so close-minded and hypocritical.
And that’s when I learned a very important thing…
There is no “the one.”
I thought he was the one but I lost him – how do I move on? 7 things you need to know
1. There is no “the one”
I cannot describe how many books I’ve read in the last 3 years about love, peace, kindness, mindfulness, and self-love.
I’ve read every single book on the topic and I continue to read these books because knowledge is the only thing that will pull you up from the darkness.
There is no “the one.”
There are over 8 billion people on this planet.
There is no magical soulmate waiting for you.
There are many people in this world who you can build a beautiful relationship with.
Unfortunately, it’s not up to the universe to bestow upon you your soulmate.
But if you have done the work (self-love) and you’ve focussed on bettering yourself so that you can be a better human being and you desire a relationship with someone who has the same goals and visions as you do, you will find that person.
And after you find this person, it will be upon you to date this person, get to know this person, and make the decision to love this person till death do you part or till you part ways.
That’s what love really is.
It’s not a fairytale – it’s a decision.
It doesn’t happen in a day, a week, or a month.
You can like someone in that time, but love is built slowly.
You take off one layer and the other person takes off one layer.
You each take off layers, building trust and loyalty until you both realize that you really dig each other.
This love isn’t fleeting. It isn’t a spark.
It doesn’t give you butterflies.
It’s a strong, confident, and beautiful feeling.
And you will be able to build your life with this person.
They may not be “the one” but they will definitely be your life partner.
2. You need to be okay with letting “the one” go
Please know that we are human beings.
We are not on-off switches.
So even if you still have feelings for your ex and really love them, know that it’s okay to miss them and not want them in your life.
A lot of people still love their spouses when they divorce them. But they do it knowing that this person isn’t right for them.
In the end, that’s what splitting up means.
It means acknowledging that there might still be feelings for one another, but you have made peace with the fact that this person isn’t right for you.
Because here’s the truth: As long as you are holding on to a person who isn’t right for you, you’re never going to find the right person.
3. You have to be okay with being single
If you are miserable, feel like you will never find love, and are always down in the dumps, then you will never attract love.
You will attract misery.
You may even make yourself vulnerable to playboys, womanizers, and predators.
You need to be confident with who you are.
You need to be okay with being single.
Being happy single doesn’t mean that you are not looking for love.
It means that you haven’t found the right person yet and you’re okay being single for now.
Being single doesn’t decrease your self-worth – it doesn’t mean you’re less in any way.
Like I said before, it just means that you haven’t found a partner yet.
That’s pretty much it.
4. Take time to heal
This is going to be the rough and terrible part.
I’m not going to sugarcoat it – the next few weeks/months will suck.
You will go through a range of emotions like hurt, anger, betrayal, sadness, and numbness… you name it.
And it’s okay.
Let yourself feel. Let yourself succumb to the pain for a bit.
You need to go through that pain and hurt in order to realize why that person wasn’t right for you.
- Maybe the timing was off.
- Maybe they were not into you as much as you were into them.
- Maybe you two just weren’t compatible and didn’t have the same values or goals.
Either way, it may not hit you now, but it will later.
With time, you will see that it just wasn’t meant to be.
I have a post here where I talk about how to recover from a painful breakup.
You can also read these books that helped me during my breakup.
It will feel like it’s the end of the world.
But trust me when I say, that you will get over this.
You will come out of the tunnel and be okay.
I’ve seen the darkness and come out the other side.
So, I know you will too. You just need time.
5. You will find someone
After you’re done healing a fair amount and you feel you can genuinely move on and be able to picture your ex with someone else, you may be ready to date.
If you start dating and you’re just not feeling it, that’s okay.
Take a break.
Be honest with the person you’re seeing and tell them you need time.
And step away for a bit before you date again.
Remember, you come first right now.
You need to take care of yourself and your needs.
You need to be okay with being by yourself now.
6. Open your heart
When you feel like you’re ready, you can start dating again.
You will not find someone right away.
I remember vowing I’d never date again after my second ex broke up with me.
I was hurt and I wanted to be alone.
But eventually, I realized that no matter how many times I’d been burned, I still wanted to live my life with someone.
But I wasn’t ready.
So, I took my time to heal this time.
I enjoyed being single for a while.
It hurt every time I saw couples, families, and old couples holding hands.
I am human. And it did burn.
I had good days and bad.
I focused on my passions, my hobbies, and my work.
I made sure to have a full social life.
And eventually, when I was ready, I started dating again.
I did meet some people who weren’t right for me.
And I was okay letting go. I was comfortable being honest and telling them it wasn’t working out.
One day, I met someone who had been through a lot of loss just like I did.
He’d lost his fiancee in an explosion. She wasn’t even in the same country when it happened so he never got to bury her.
We took it slow – we’d both been burned before.
We were friends for a while before we started dating. And eventually, we fell in love.
It didn’t happen immediately.
It took me a lot of time to trust this person but we’ve been going strong for over a year.
I’ve never had such a healthy relationship before.
7. Take courage and learn from others who have fallen
Learn from others.
When I was hurting and went through my lowest days, I read books written by people who’ve been through similar pain or worse.
It honestly gave me hope.
It was like seeing a rainbow at the end of the tunnel.
That’s why I made a list of self-love books and break-up books that helped me get out of that dark hole and see the light.
I knew that if they could do it, so could I.
No matter what you’re going through, know that this kind of pain has been felt by countless before you.
People have lost love just like you have.
They’ve seen those dark days and gone through that horrible feeling of loss just like you have.
Take courage and know that there is so much to live for.
You may have lost “the one.”
But that’s the beauty, you’ll find another.
You’ll find someone else who is compatible with you and who will love you for who you are.
Until then, better yourself.
Work on yourself.
Set goals and achieve them.
Because when you meet that person, you’re going to want to meet someone that is actually excited to get somewhere.
And likewise, that person is going to want to meet someone interesting and passionate about life.
So, right now, focus on being the best you can be.
Take courage.
You’ll be just fine.
Here are a couple more posts you will find helpful:
- Will I ever find love again? Read this
- Will I ever find someone as good as my ex? Read this
- My ex left me for someone else, here’s what I did
- How to get over the pain of missing your ex
- How to recover from a toxic relationship
- 13 signs you are healing from a breakup
- 13 signs of unrequited love and how to let go
- Struggling with singleness? Read this
- How to wait patiently for love
- How to love yourself while you’re single
- Dating Advice every single woman needs
- How to stop letting things bother you
