Last Updated on August 15, 2023 by Angela Vaz
You feel like someone ripped out your heart.
You feel used, betrayed, and angry.
At the same time, you are devastated.
I know what you’re going through because that was me in late 2019.
I found out that my ex (my husband at the time) was cheating on me with another married woman.
There were so many things I wanted to tell her because I knew her personally – she was my upstairs neighbor.
In this post, I want to discuss just that.
Here’s what to say to the girl he’s cheated with.
Let’s begin.
But before that really quick, get my free guide on how to really reset your life.
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A little backstory
Please understand that I am only writing this post because I have been through what you have.
I dated a man for 4 and a half years before I married him. It was another 4 and a half years into the marriage when I discovered that he was cheating on me.
After leaving him, I discovered from my neighbors that he also slept with various prostitutes when I left the house to visit my parents.
I spent 9 years with a man who cheated on me for most of my relationship.
It wasn’t easy recovering from that and my confidence took a massive blow.
I talk about how I recovered from that relationship in this post.
But right now, I am going to talk about what you should say to the woman he cheated with because this is something I haven’t covered before.
Keep an open mind when reading this and try to read till the end.
What to say to the girl he cheated with?
1. Be super grateful
Such a huge part of me wanted to hug this woman and thank her.
Not only did she show me my ex’s true colors but she allowed me to see who my ex really was – a person who cheats.
Be grateful to the woman he cheated on you with – if it wasn’t for her, you never would have discovered his infidelity.
She was the test of your relationship and he failed it.
Yes, none of this is going to make the pain easier – but it does make it easier to accept.
2. Don’t hate her
Do not take revenge on the woman who your partner cheated with.
She is not at fault.
It doesn’t matter if she lured him or she seduced him.
Her relationship status doesn’t matter either.
Your ex is the one who cheated on you.
It is he that should have been faithful.
Direct your hurt and feelings to your ex (if you have to), not the woman.
The woman can do whatever she wants in her life – she owes you nothing.
Remember that.
Even when I discovered that my ex had been sleeping with this woman for 2 years, I didn’t get mad at her.
I knew that for her, my ex was going to be a challenge.
She just wanted my ex. And it was my ex who decided to cheat and stray from the marriage.
3. Don’t say anything
No matter how you feel, you need to keep in mind the following:
- Your ex cheated, it has changed the relationship forever
- Nothing you do or say is going to bring back the ex/relationship you’ve lost
- Anger and revenge will only hurt you – not them
You cannot say anything that is going to remedy this relationship.
I’m sorry.
I speak from experience.
Don’t try convincing your ex that he should have done better – it’s not worth it.
He didn’t cheat on you because you weren’t worthy.
He cheated because he was insecure.
His cheating had nothing to do with the way you are or the way you treated him.
If he was unhappy in the relationship, he should have ended it.
Instead, he decided to have an affair.
This means your ex is a poor communicator and didn’t respect/value you.
That’s all it is.
4. Understand that she’s done you a huge favor
Never ever pine for someone who does not respect you or value you enough to be honest with you.
Your ex is disloyal.
99% of people who cheat will do it again.
They feel zero remorse for their actions because they love shifting blame.
Don’t regret losing someone that has cheated on you.
It may have been 5 years or 25 years.
Accept it with grace and move on.
The relationship wasn’t a waste.
It has imparted several lessons which you will carry on moving forward.
However, the person he’s cheated on you with is going to have a tough time handling this person.
She isn’t getting off easy.
Please know that there is a very good chance he will cheat on her too (if he isn’t already doing that).
I had a friend who cheated on her boyfriend.
She left her loving and kind boyfriend for the man she cheated on him with.
Within a few months, she was trying to hack her new boyfriend’s Facebook account because she felt he was cheating on her too.
Cheaters don’t live good lives.
They’re either cheating or worried about their partners cheating.
They live in insecurity and that is a torment in itself.
So, please don’t worry about him or the woman he’s cheated with.
They will have tons of issues to sort through themselves.
Be grateful to this woman because she is going to have to handle a serial cheater instead of you.
Your burden is over.
5. Know that it was not personal
A lot of people feel backstabbed when they discover that their partner cheated on them.
But you need to understand this much:
- The woman was thinking about herself – she was thinking about her needs and how she could land this man.
- Your ex was also thinking about himself – he wanted to desperately prove to himself that he was worthy and having an affair made him feel better. At the same time, he didn’t want to end the relationship with you because he wanted to feel comfortable.
Both your ex and the woman he cheated on you with cared about themselves.
You never crossed their minds.
So, don’t take it personally.
6. Don’t overthink
I have a post here on how to stop overthinking after being cheated on.
Read it, it will help you find peace.
But here’s the gist.
It is not your fault.
The only mistake you made was choosing a partner that had insecurity issues.
He also sucked at communication and failed to put your relationship first.
That’s it.
It’s not your fault.
- Maybe you both weren’t happy.
- Maybe his needs weren’t fulfilled in the relationship.
It still doesn’t give him a reason to cheat.
He cheated because he didn’t have the guts to end the relationship with you or talk to you about his needs.
He had an affair because he has issues and to him, that seemed like the best solution.
He doesn’t respect you or the relationship.
I know what it’s like to overthink after being cheated on.
I stopped eating and I couldn’t sleep. My head was filled with questions like:
- Was I not good enough?
- Why didn’t I see it? All the signs were there.
- Why couldn’t he just tell me?
- Did I not give him time?
- Why did he wait so long to do this?
Don’t go down that road.
Because none of it will bring you closure.
You need to make peace with the fact that it’s over and you now have the ability to move on.
You have better knowledge and wisdom now to know what you want and need from a relationship.
You will learn to date a person longer and analyze a person better before committing.
You will be prepared.
But you need to heal first.
7. Love yourself
You’ve just discovered that your partner was cheating on you.
At this time, you need to love yourself because nobody else is doing that.
Your ex has taken off and you need to give yourself the love and kindness you deserve.
You’ve been through devastating loss and grief, aside from mental and emotional trauma.
You need to heal and get back on your feet.
You owe yourself that much.
Do not ruin your life for someone who’s chosen to walk away.
Get back up on your feet and take your time to heal.
Please do not date till you’ve spent a few months recovering.
When we come out of bad breakups, we need to heal. And we need to build our self-confidence.
Usually, after a breakup, our confidence is low and this will lead to us being vulnerable.
When you are vulnerable, you will make poor choices.
You will date people who show you even a little bit of kindness – this will leave you vulnerable to womanizers, playboys, and predators.
So, take your time.
Meditate and recover.
When you notice that you are healing from your breakup, then you can slowly start to date again.
For now, it’s okay to be alone.
You need that time to collect your thoughts and come back to a place of peace and love.
That time will do you so much good.
I talk about healing after heartbreak in this post.
Should I confront the woman my boyfriend cheated on me with?
No. Because at this time, you need to focus on yourself.
No good comes out of chasing toxic people.
You will gain nothing. All you will do is fill yourself with anger, hate and revenge.
This will slow down your growth and your own healing.
It’s not worth ruining your present over the past. Learn to let go of the past so that you can move on.
You have a future.
Yes, your ex may have cheated on you and your dreams of hope and love are shattered right now.
But please don’t lose hope or faith in love.
All your ex did was show you that he was not the right person for you.
You deserve better than that.
And you will get it.
Provided you take the time to heal and grow from this experience.
Be the bigger person and don’t chase people who did you wrong.
Let them go so that you can find peace and love.
Conclusion
I’m sorry you’re going through this pain.
Please know that although it may feel like the end of the world – it isn’t.
It’s only the end of the most horrible time you will go through.
You have just ended a very toxic relationship and come out of it still alive.
You have your mind, you have your thoughts and you have your future.
Make the best use of the time you have now to heal and cut off these people from your life forever.
If you were married, take the time to move on with the divorce proceedings. If you have children, figure out how to gain full/partial custody.
Right now, you need to rebuild a huge part of your life.
So, focus on that.
You are important and you need to prioritize your needs.
I will leave you with the one thing my mother told me when I was frantic over losing my ex.
“Why are you wasting your time mourning someone who has already moved on and has no interest in your welfare?”
Those words hit me and it made a lot of sense.
As much as you want to get back at them or try to make them feel what you’ve lost, don’t.
Just move on – it’s the best thing to do.
I wish you all the best, you are going to be just fine.
Here are a couple of posts that will help you overcome this pain:
- What I did when I found out my ex was cheating on me
- My cheating ex wants to be friends, what do I do?
- How to recover after a toxic relationship
- 17 signs your partner doesn’t respect or value you
- 17 signs he only wants you for your body
- 21 signs he thinks you’re not good enough
- I thought he was the one: What did I do after losing him
- How to rebuild your life after losing everything that matters
- Struggling with singleness? Read this
- How to recover from a toxic relationship
- Will I ever find love again? Yes, here’s why
- How to prepare yourself for a relationship and find love
- Will I ever find someone better than my ex? Yes, read this
- 7 books to read after a painful breakup
- 13 signs you are healing from a painful breakup
12 Comments
This article (and all of its related articles) have been so helpful to me!! Every single word describes me and my situation perfectly. Reading your words helps me so much as I can 100% identify with all of it. The overthinking, anger, all of it. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. Your words are everything to me right now. Thanks to you, I hope I can start focusing on what is important and healing. I am hoping you and everyone who reads this feels love right now. Cuz I’m sending it 🙂
Hey RDL,
You will get through this, I know you will. =) Wishing you nothing but the best. Focus on your healing, nothing else is more important right now.
Lots of love,
Angela
I’m sitting in a dark parking lot trying to decide if life is worth living. Your article has helped me to understand that I must work through this pain. My husband of 39 years, has reconnected with his HS
sweetheart. I discovered texts that no wife should have to see. They were actually planning a future. He cheated on me 7 years into our marriage, so I now regret not leaving then. I have lost all I know to be true of my life. I even retired 4 weeks ago! I’m not sure how to pick up all of these pieces at the age of 62. We were debt free, had travel plans and I thought I was about to enter the best years of my life. I guess I’ll drive myself back to the shell of a house which was my home and figure out how to go on. Thanks for helping me see a wee bit of light the end of the tunnel. Not sure I really have what it takes to go on. The losses are so great.
I’m sorry Angie. Being cheated on (no matter what age, what the circumstances) sucks badly.
I’m sorry that you’re going through this tough time – but here’s my 2 cents because I’ve been in your shoes. Things will seem bleak now – you’ll think, what’s the point? But there is a point. There is a light at the end of the tunnel – it’s a big light. You just can’t see it now, because you’re surrounded by darkness. But I guarantee you it’s temporary. Once you find your footing, you’ll be happy – you’ll be at peace. You’ll be able to do all the things you’ve wanted to do and you’ll get so much peace.
Surround yourself with love (love that you must now give yourself) because that is what will help you through this tough time. Life goes on – it will. And drop your losses and move forward. Don’t pine for someone who has chosen to disrespect you and the relationship you had. It’s not worth it. It’s a learning experience what you’re going to go through and it’s not going to be easy, but you’ll make it.
I wish you only strength and courage,
Angela
Angela,
Thank you for reaching out and sharing your words of strength. I just walked into my house began crying and checked my email. Your message gives me hope and helps me realize that I won’t always feel this low. So truly kind of you to speak to me from your heart; mine is now soothed a bit more.
Angie
Hey Angie,
I’m not going to lie – it will take a while to get over this – I know you’re devastated right now but that’s how I felt too when I found out my ex husband was cheating on me. I was determined to start over and start from scratch. I cried every single day – I didn’t eat for 2 whole weeks and dropped over 20 pounds. It was a mess – for sure. After I joined Meetup (it’s an app where you can meet people and talk), I discovered that there were so many women who had devastating relationships and heartbreak like mine. This gave me courage to pick up and move on. You’re still here and yes, hope is never lost. You’re going to do this Angie – I believe in you. You may have lost a relationship, but you’re so much more than your relationship with your partner – don’t forget that. Your worth isn’t dependent on your relationship status. So, love yourself and take it 1 day at a time.
Lots of love,
Angela
my boyfriend cheated on me with this girl he said he didnt like and it was just to protect her in her relationship because no one was allowed to find out who she was dating but im still hurt he cheated and its haunting me what should i do i mean hes been a good boyfriend except for this
Hey Sara,
Your boyfriend lied to you and cheated on you.
Please understand that a committed relationship requires 2 people to be loyal – that’s the premise of the relationship.
It doesn’t matter how “good” he is, if he can’t be honest with you and respect you enough to either end the relationship or not cheat, then why pursue a relationship with someone like that? 99% of people who cheat will cheat again. Can you ever rest easy in this relationship knowing that he has cheated on you once? Are you okay with being disrespected by the one person that is not supposed to hurt you in this way?
Can you ever trust him knowing that he has betrayed your trust?
There are so many good people out there who will treat you right Sara. Please don’t settle for less when you can have someone who will treat you better.
That’s my advice. Let go of what is not right for you so you can welcome true and genuine love.
Sending you only love,
Angela
He won’t show his phone but got a text from a “robin” with initials of a last name that match to a restaurant. I confirmed she works there by calling. I want proof from her he’s cheating since we are to marry in 7 months and have a baby just before, while also building a home… how would you confront her casually? She’s innocent, I just want the proof.
Honestly Leigh,
The fact that you’re trying to get proof that he’s cheating means you don’t have trust in him.
At this point him cheating is secondary. If you can’t trust him (maybe he’s given you reason to or maybe you have trust issues), you need to leave this relationship. You can’t be in a relationship with someone you don’t trust.
It’s not about finding proof, it’s about being with someone you trust so much that you don’t even bother if they call girls or text them. Because you have faith they won’t cheat. If you don’t have faith, leave.
Just leave.
You don’t need solid proof.
For instance, I never trusted my ex when it came to cheating. I felt he would cheat on me. I should have left then. But I didn’t. I married him. Eventually I learned to just let go and trust. And I discovered that he was cheating on me. I wasn’t looking for proof, I just found it. It was right there. So, learn from my mistake – leave the minute you even feel like he isn’t trustworthy.
Work on yourself and find a man you trust.
Your past doesn’t matter. Your future doesn’t matter. What matters is you find a relationship that makes you happy.
I am with a man now and I trust him so much. Yes, he has woman friends just like I have man friends – but we trust each other – there is no concept of looking into the other person’s phone because we have that trust.
Love,
Angela
Hello,
First of all, I want to thank you for this post. It has somewhat relieved me of the negative feelings I am experiencing.
In January 2022, I met my ex on Bumble Germany and we started dating in February, we connected very well, but unfortunately I don’t live in Germany and had to return to my country in South America, so we continued the as a long distance relationship. At the end of March I returned to Germany to spend two months with him. The first “red flag” that I did not want to see was that after spending that time with him, he promised to visit me in Ecuador but he did not comply, there were many excuses that I accepted and let go. So it was me who made the trip again to be with him. The biggest problem started in November when I started noticing that he was distant and that’s when I saw that he started following foreign girls on Instagram and I asked him if something was wrong but he denied it, said that everything was fine, and made up stories, so I told him I wrote to one of the girls who interacted a lot on his account and she told me that she met him on an app called “inner circle”, and that they had already made plans together and had arranged to meet. He told her that he will block me, that I was nobody, that we had nothing, that I was in my country, but she already had “the evidence” that we were both in a relationship, so she stepped aside asking him call me to give me an explanation. Honestly, the girl was super nice. He called me, apologized and I forgave him and we continued. So I went back to Germany in December to be with him until January 2023. We had an argument and we gave ourselves some time, but in February 2023 we resumed our relationship, we created new plans, he was encouraged that I would return to Germany and spend more time. With him, he was more aware of me, he sent me photos constantly, he surprised me that I would go to his work party with him, our intimate relationship was more “spicy”, we really were fine. If we had a discussion before my trip because I wanted him to meet my family at a family event that was going to take place in Germany, but he excused himself because he had a commitment to his sister that he could not deny, I also claimed that He followed dating app accounts again and he told me that girl was nobody and to prove it to me he removed her from his account. I believed him and let it go.
One day before the day we were going to see each other again, he uploaded a photo to Instagram, in which he had put together some Lego Brickheadz, which seemed unusual to me because it was an act that belonged to the two of us and in the photo you could see a shadow of another person. I didn’t see anything strange, I even commented on the photo “demanding him in a flirtatious way” that he did that without me and that our “little family” had expanded. He did not reply to my comment, but the next day (11.6.23) he sent me a message asking what the plan was and that he would be in Wiesbaden for a few days. The way he wrote seemed strange to me and that was when my mind connected with the Instagram photo and I saw that he was following the dog account of Michélle, the girl that he had denied and deleted from his Instagram a few weeks before. So I wrote to the girl to ask her about her relationship with Gregor and she replied that she had been in his apartment since Wednesday (6.7.23), that they had had intimate moments, that he wanted a relationship with her and my inmediate response was to send her screenshots of my relationship with him because what he did was “cry to her and tell her that I was nobody, that I was going to get into the relationship, that I was in Ecuador…” and I sent her everything, even that I was about to stay with him for two months. She spent the night in the apartment with him and the next day she wrote me apologizing, that everything in the apartment had been left as she found it, that she didn’t know about me, that if she had known she wouldn’t have gotten involved, that he also invited her to the party, that he insists on having a relationship with her, that his family already know of his existence. I think she was trying to minimize me.
The fact is that she “pretended to be a person who understood me”, she said that he was a narcissist, she sent me texts about narcissists and I thought she understood me, she sent me a request on Instagram, we started following each other, She was writing to me to see how I was doing until one day I thought that was not right, so I told her that we couldn’t continue talking because I felt that she was writing to see if I was keeping in touch with him, not because she was really worried. , then she told me that she was worried because she had gone through something similar with her ex-partner, she was engaged and he cheated on her. The point is that I told her that Gregor had just unblocked me on Instagram and what she did at that moment was comment on the photo of the legos in a flirtatious way and they began to flirt on that photo. It was when I confirmed that girl is no good and blocked her. As for him, I asked him for explanations and to be honest, but they were pure excuses, he denied our relationship, brought up the issue of his parents’ divorce (as a justification) and when I already told him that I really didn’t want his excuses or that he apologize to me so he can move on, he told me that he never stopped loving me and blah blah blah. I just blocked it. Days after reflection, I wrote to the girl telling her that they can continue with their lives but that the difference between him starting it with her is that she is aware that he had a relationship with me when he started with her and that being in her apartment It will remind her of me, even the invitation to the party shouldn’t make her feel special because I was the guest (what was written by him in the conversation that she read because I sent it to her). Anyway, I wrote to let off steam and that I know I’m not stupid.
Surely that pair is in a relationship now. But I am grateful that she has taken that weight off my shoulders.
Hey Gab,
I’m sorry you had to go through so much back and forth. But this is one of the main reasons why I genuinely feel people who cheat should not be given second chances. I also don’t feel the need to communicate with the person who they cheated with at all. Yes, the level of deception is super high, but I’d rather focus on myself and my needs so that I can heal and move forward.
I also need you to know that it’s okay to hurt – you lost someone you trusted and someone you genuinely cared about. So, take your time. Heal. Love yourself.
I do hope that you’re able to put this all behind you and make your life better – I’m sure it already is now that both of them have left your life.
Lots of love,
Angela