Last Updated on January 3, 2023 by Angela Vaz
In 2015, I got married to a man who I thought loved me just as much as I loved him.
Our relationship was mostly long-distance and I was only 22 when I got married.
My parents were against it in the beginning but when I insisted, they told me that if things didn’t work out, I could always leave and come back home.
I left my country of residence to move to his home because I trusted him so much.
And I was keen to get a job and work.
He convinced me not to work because he had his own online business.
And he asked me to help him with the business instead.
It was one of the biggest mistakes of my life.
In this post, I’m going to talk about why you should never depend on a man for money.
I will give you 7 genuine reasons so that you are motivated to start your own business or get a job to stand on your own two feet.
I made this mistake and I quickly learned from it – it helped me escape my abusive marriage and I was able to start a better and more peaceful life afterward.
Trigger warning: This post includes instances of abuse. I’ve not gone into any explicit detail.
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My Story and experience
Skip this if you want to go straight to the reasons why you should never depend on a man for money.
After marrying my ex, I was convinced by his mom and him to not work and instead be at home as a housewife.
I thought it was endearing at first and postponed my plans on getting a job.
I am not the type of person to sit and do nothing, so I studied how he built websites and while I was free, I practiced graphic designing and drawing.
I gave him multiple ideas on how to expand the business but he constantly put me down and told me that I was a “big dreamer.”
Every penny my ex and I earned went towards his drinking and friends. He also managed to exhaust his credit card limit month after month despite us being so careful with food.
I wasn’t born in this country, so we shared his bank account.
He never let me get a job.
I would scrounge to make rent or buy food supplies and when I couldn’t make ends meet, I’d ask my mom for financial help.
For the first few months, my mom sent me enough money to clear his credit card debt.
I was lucky that his mom and mine both had good jobs.
But things between my ex and I soured.
We’d fight over his drinking or over my refusal to help out his friends.
Our fights became worse. It got physical.
One day, about 3 months after our marriage after taking our pup for a walk, I came back to a locked apartment.
I could hear him watching TV inside and he wouldn’t open the door no matter how much I rang the bell or knocked.
He told me he wanted peace and he continued to watch the show while I banged the door to let us in.
He made us wait for 40 minutes till the show was over and then opened the door.
I was humiliated and my pup was exhausted from barking.
That’s when I knew I had to have my own money – my own financial safety net.
I started my own website and took up any client work to make money.
When I was not doing housework or helping him with the business, I’d work for my own clients, building websites and creating logos and other graphical designs for them.
I eventually saved up enough money to buy a drawing tablet and I started my own comic series.
The comic series became a raving success and helped me grow to 200K followers in less than 6 months. I was able to work for multiple companies earning thousands of dollars in a few weeks.
I eventually created my own bank account because I was still using his PayPal and he wasn’t letting me access my own funds.
Our expenses were still high and I was paying for everything but I was happy because I was now able to make multiple Fixed Deposits and the interest was enough to fuel our monthly expenses.
I continued to work 15-18 hours a day and I hired help to do all the housework so that I could make more money to fuel his expenses.
He continued to drink and get into fights with neighbors and people in our society.
I’d never felt more alone – and this is when I got my second dog.
These dogs were (and still are) my whole life.
They pushed me to strive for better.
When he got home, he’d take out his anger on our dogs and me.
I never took a day’s break outside because I couldn’t leave our dogs with him.
But eventually, I started wishing he’d never come home.
For four and a half years I endured the abuse until I one day discovered that he’d been cheating on me with our married neighbor for over 2 years.
It was definitely devastating, but I was relieved because I could now leave without any regrets.
I was a coward for not leaving before – I’ll admit that.
I packed up my dogs and belongings and shifted out immediately.
I spared a lot of details to my parents because my mom was fighting 4th stage cancer at the time and both of them were stressed.
Even though it was in the middle of the pandemic, I applied for a divorce and I got one within a year.
My parents had my back the entire time.
I was able to leave my ex and live on my own mostly because I had my own money.
This is why you should never depend on a man for money.
I’m not saying every man is like this, but in the rare case that you find someone like this or worse, you should be strong enough to leave.
You need to be independent enough to say, “I don’t need this. I’m out.”
Having money means you can say no to the abuse.
It means you can support your family or your husband if you need to.
It means you can weather a storm and reduce the risk of becoming bankrupt.
Now, with that, here are 7 reasons why you should never depend on a man for money.
Why you should never depend on a man for money: 7 cautious reasons
1. You need to be independent
It doesn’t matter who you marry.
Whether it is a woman or a man, you need to have your own funds.
The minute you finish your studies, get a job.
In most Asian cultures, women are often married off because their parents force them to.
Do not say YES till you get a job.
Have some means of making your own money.
Your primary goal should be to save enough money so that you can afford a deposit for an apartment and rent for 6 months.
That’s when you can relax and take it easy.
This way, even if anything happens, you can always leave and find your own place.
I know countless women personally who have left their abusive husbands and moved to their parent’s home or their own apartments because they were working for themselves.
I also have friends whom I’m no longer in touch with who endure the abuse because they don’t have anywhere to go.
Again, not all men/women are like this.
But if you do get married to someone abusive, you need to keep a way out.
2. You are minimizing the risk of something horrible happening
Let’s say your partner has a good job and is earning enough to keep you both afloat.
What if something happens?
Let’s say they are unable to work or their source of income is now obsolete.
By having your own job or your own source of income, you are minimizing that risk.
This is something you also need to consider.
3. You have a choice
As I said earlier, not everybody is abusive.
But sometimes, relationships aren’t compatible.
Anything can happen.
Not all relationships last.
Maybe both of you might have different needs and wants as time goes by.
Both of you might change and not want to be together.
And even if both of you end things on good terms, it’s going to be very difficult to part ways if you are dependent on him for money.
It means you have to think twice before doing anything or taking any sort of action.
It also means you will put up with a lot more when you don’t have to.
This is why it is so important to have your own source of income.
It’s not about making decisions.
It’s about having a choice.
You can say no to abuse.
You can part ways if your relationship has come to an end.
4. You have freedom
When you have your own money, you can rest assured that you have the freedom to buy what you need and want.
You don’t need to ask for money or be in a situation where you have to convince your partner to get what you want.
It’s very difficult to continuously provide a case for your partner and explain to them why you need money when you want it.
It feels more like a chore.
It is better if you have your own funds and you can spend on what you need/want.
5. It makes you more attractive and demands more respect
It is a known fact that even if a woman is a housewife, her worth is just as high as her husband’s because she is doing a whole lot for the family.
I believe that two partners are equal when they decide to build a life together and what they have between them is their own.
But the world rarely sees it this way.
They will often regard the working spouse with more respect and diminish the value of the person staying at home.
The world doesn’t respect women who stay at home.
As liberal as we try to be, our world just hasn’t reached that level of thinking yet.
People respect women when they have jobs and “contribute” to the family’s savings.
I’m not saying that you need to get a job to earn the world’s respect.
You do you.
You don’t need to earn anyone’s respect except your own.
But life does become so much better when the world isn’t against you.
It is much better for people who have money.
The treatment you get from society when you are a hardworking woman with her own finances is on a whole other level.
6. Your life will dramatically improve
When you don’t need another person for money, your life changes in many ways.
You can travel wherever you want to go.
You can buy whatever you want to buy.
You can spoil whomever you want to spoil.
Life changes dramatically.
You aren’t answerable to anyone.
You can spend on your health, your parent’s health, or your spouse’s health.
You can look after people and do whatever you want to do.
Your life and the lives around you actually improve – this is one of the best pros of having your own income.
7. You will never feel helpless
There were so many times in my early days a spouse stayed at home when I felt helpless.
I couldn’t earn more to pay for the rent or utilities.
I felt guilty turning on the TV or ordering food from out because it was taking away from our savings.
I never want to feel that way again.
When my dogs get sick, I know I can afford premium care and treatment. If my dad ever falls ill, I know I can help him out with whatever he needs.
My tension when it comes to finances is almost zero because I am earning a stable income every single month.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how wealthy your spouse or family is.
You learn the value of money when you work or make something of yourself.
You build your name and brand when you decide to get out there and make something for yourself.
Do this for you.
Having your own source of income will give you the confidence to go through life without worrying about this or that.
It’s what will ultimately help you become more independent, strong, and wise.
It puts things into perspective.
A lot of women actually marry very decent, loyal, and hardworking men.
And some of them never have to work because their husbands respect them and treat them as equals.
But even in that case, I’d always recommend that a woman has some sort of income to help or add to the household’s income.
After being single for a long time, I have found a man that is kind, hard-working and respects me, and loves me for who I am.
There have never been financial issues between us.
So, I don’t have this tension anymore.
We both do work we enjoy and we spend on each other and ourselves.
He has 3 dogs of his own and we spoil our 5 dogs with treats and love every day.
Working has improved my life drastically.
However, having a job is like having an education.
It helps you secure your future.
Everybody regardless of race or gender needs to be financially dependent because the world is not a safe place.
Anything can happen.
This is my two cents.
Thank you for reading.
Here are some more posts you will find helpful:
- How to afford to live alone as a woman
- 13 ways to stay alone as a woman and be safe
- How to go out comfortably and safely as a woman
- 11 warm and comforting books to read during difficult times
- 7 healthy habits to develop as a woman in her 30s
- Narcissist husband always threatens divorce: Here’s what I did
- Will I ever find love? Yes, here’s why
- 13 ways to feel loved when you feel like nobody loves you
- How to get over extreme emotional pain when you feel like you can’t
- Will a narcissist miss you?
- What I did to get over the fear of being cheated on
- The ultimate guide to loving yourself as a single person
- 11 relationship killers you need to watch out for
- Is it time to end the relationship? 17 signs enough is enough