Last Updated on August 15, 2023 by Angela Vaz
I know how this feels because I’ve been there.
I was with a man who I thought was wonderful.
Everything about him was great.
I had just come out from a very difficult and abusive relationship and this man came out of nowhere and saved me.
He cared for me and my dogs and I felt like we were going to be together forever.
It was the first time I had ever felt my love being reciprocated so I gave him my all.
I talk about him in my post, and how I thought he was the one.
We were together for a year.
And he suddenly broke up with me.
In this post, I want to talk about how no one compares to your ex. I am going to tell you everything I learned and everything you need to hear to actually feel better if you are where I was.
I have added multiple posts related to this topic below the post, so if this post helps you, be sure to read those too.
Let’s get into it.
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A little backstory:
Before I start talking about this, you need to know a little bit of my backstory so you know that I have felt your pain. Skip this if you want to jump straight to the advice.
I was married a long time ago.
My relationship was a very abusive one. But I never had the courage to leave.
I was a coward.
The day I found out that my ex-husband was cheating on me, I left. And I never looked back.
Soon after, I made a lot of friends and one of my friends would be him – the man that would eventually break my heart.
I am not going to blame him for my heartbreak.
I had not healed from the divorce and I was very vulnerable and naive.
I should have taken time to heal and stayed single for a while, but I didn’t. I was so eager to find a relationship and prove to myself that I was loveable.
So, the minute he walked into my life and made it better, I fell in love hook line, and sinker.
We were very similar in terms of humor, careers, and passions.
So we clicked pretty fast.
The pandemic happened and we were stuck together during the lockdown.
He told me that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.
I couldn’t be happier.
He cared for me and I for him.
He was a wonderful man to my dogs as well.
9 months in, he started behaving off and I could tell he was becoming depressed.
He revealed he was a very religious person (a staunch Protestant) and claimed that he couldn’t get over my past.
He hid his religion from me fearing that I would leave him.
I said that it was alright and I was all his for the rest of our lives but that was not enough. He said my past bothered him and he couldn’t get over the fact that I was a divorcee.
I was at a loss for words.
He knew everything about my past and we were living together for a year.
Now he was saying that he couldn’t make peace with my past and wanted someone that had a low body count.
It took me some time to get over that.
A month later he said that he saw a vision that he was supposed to be with someone else, a girl from his church. And he just left.
He left but asked if we could be friends.
I said no.
We never contacted each other again.
I didn’t see the flaws and red flags until 6 months after the relationship had ended. At that point, I was so obsessed with love and the relationship, I failed to see it for what it really was.
But during that breakup, I cried my eyes out.
I was so heartbroken that I thought I would die from the pain.
I suddenly felt like a huge part of me was ripped out and I didn’t see how I could ever be happy again.
My friends said he was toxic but I felt that maybe they were trying their best to make him the villain so I would feel better.
I just couldn’t see how we weren’t the right fit at that time.
I remember telling my friends, “Yes, that was a d**k move about him talking about my body count especially when he told me he was okay with my past earlier. But how could I ever find someone as nice as him?”
My mother was dying of cancer and while she was on her deathbed, she said to me, “Why are you crying for someone that genuinely doesn’t care about you and has probably moved on?”
That struck a chord.
I knew then that I was sad and I missed him, but it was his choice.
He chose to leave.
And I knew that I had to move on.
Maybe I loved him. And maybe I felt at that point that he was right for me.
But how could he be when he couldn’t make peace with my past?
My mom was right.
My friends were right.
I just had to suck it up and move on.
I didn’t feel like dating.
I knew this time, I had to heal.
So, I spent a long time single – healing.
And when I finally got over that breakup, I started dating.
But no one compared to my ex.
Long story short: I created a list of all the qualities I wanted in a partner. I realized this time, I needed to find a man that was okay with my past and actually wanted a relationship with me. I found that man. We’ve been together for 2 years and I can report that I have finally found a partner who loves and respects me for who I am.
That’s why, I am writing this post.
If no one compares to your ex, you need to read this.
But before that really quick, get my free guide on how to really reset your life.
No one compares to your ex, here’s everything you need to know:
1. Stop looking at only the good memories
As human beings, we are terribly flawed.
After a breakup, our brains are so addicted to the relationship that it will trick us and make us believe that the relationship was perfect without any flaws.
This is a defense mechanism and this is also how most people who try to break away from drugs, alcohol, or nicotine get back to their addictions.
They fail to remember how it hurt them.
Likewise, your brain right now is going to fill up with beautiful memories.
You’ll remember how they made you feel, how wonderful your relationship was, and how you both had dreams of the future together.
Indulge in it for a while and then slowly pop that bubble.
Remember why both of you broke up.
- Maybe your ex cheated on you.
- Maybe they didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore.
- Maybe they couldn’t get over something, a trauma or a difficulty.
- Maybe they wanted to make a career or they wanted to move away.
- Maybe they passed away.
- Maybe you weren’t ready for a relationship or you wanted different things.
No matter what the reason, remember it.
There is a reason why the relationship ended.
Bring yourself back to why it ended.
And comfort yourself knowing that if it could work, it would have.
If it has ended, it’s ended for a reason.
One of you wasn’t getting your needs met.
That’s all there is to it.
2. Know that nobody is going to be exactly like your ex
Your ex is your ex.
They are your ex for a reason.
You cannot build a mold and have the next person fit into that mold that is exactly like your ex.
You need to move on and get over your ex.
It may sound harsh, but this is the only way you can ever hope to find someone you love and who will return your love.
And isn’t it a good thing that they aren’t like your ex?
This means falling in love with someone new.
It means challenging your beliefs and hoping to to see the good in someone and what they have to offer.
Yes, they are different – but that’s what life is about.
No 2 people can be the same.
And in a way, it’s good.
Let go of the past, so you can let something better walk into your life right now.
3. Know what you want
You cannot find someone who is like your ex, but you need to know what you want from the next person you date.
I made a list of qualities:
- Kind and loving
- Understanding and open-minded
- Intelligent and witty
- Loves me for who I am
- Knows what he wants in life
I recommend you do the same.
Spend some time figuring out everything you want in a partner. And do not settle for less.
Let’s say you’re looking for a person who also wants a long, committed relationship and you meet someone who is lovely and fulfills everything on the list, but they do not know what they want.
They tell you something like this, “I am not sure, I’m looking for something casual actually. Life is too intense right now. So, I need something light.”
Now, you can choose to either leave right now and be a little scarred because you really liked this person or you can choose to date this person and see what happens later.
But note that in the future when you want to build a serious commitment and this person leaves, you’re going to be heartbroken.
So, do not compromise on what you want.
To save yourself from heartbreak, step away when someone doesn’t fulfill your needs.
By increasing your filters, you’ll limit the number of people whom you date – but it will get you closer to finding the person that is right for you.
4. Believe that you will find love
If you constantly believe that you will never find someone as good as your ex, you aren’t going to find someone as good or better than your ex.
You need to believe that you will find someone some day.
This hope will infuse into your personality and make you a positive and happy person.
That light will radiate from within and people will find this incredibly attractive.
Believe me when I say this.
Your light is what will attract people to you.
When you are positive, kind, bubbly and confident, you will attract the right person.
You attract what you put out there.
I was very insecure when I met my ex-husband, so I formed a relationship with a very insecure person.
He ended up cheating on me due to his insecurities.
I was emotionally distressed when I met my second ex.
That’s why he was emotionally distressed.
You attract what you put out.
I’ve learned this from experience.
After I healed, I was confident, kind, and happy. And that’s how I met someone who was exactly the same.
I knew what I wanted and I met someone who knew what he wanted.
Do you see what I’m getting at?
If you are miserable, pessimistic and unhappy, you are going to attract just that.
Change your perspective, and you’ll find that life changes with you.
5. Don’t be desperate for love
It’s very hard to wait for love.
I remember being surrounded by couples and families in my city and where I lived.
It was heartbreaking to see everyone walk hand in hand in the evenings while I walked alone.
But I told myself, “My day will come. Someday, I’ll find a good man that loves and respects me. Till then, I’m okay waiting.”
You cannot force love.
You cannot control when it will happen.
You cannot force it with someone who doesn’t want the same things as you.
So, it’s alright.
Being single doesn’t mean that something is wrong with you. It simply means that you haven’t found the right person yet.
You may be 30, 40, 50, 60 more.
It doesn’t matter.
My mum died at 59. My dad was single at 65. He still is. He will never move on because that is his choice.
But please know that people find themselves single at practically every age.
So, stop putting this pressure on yourself to date and find love.
Date if you feel like dating.
Make it fun.
Get to know someone and see if it goes somewhere.
If not, let go and move on.
Don’t force it to happen.
6. Love your single life
It really sucks to be single when you want a relationship.
I know. I’ve been there.
But you are never going to get this time back.
You only have the present.
The past is gone and the future is not here yet.
So, maximize the time you have now.
Learn to love your single life.
Do things you want to do.
- Go see a play.
- Start a side hustle.
Work on a hobby you’ve always wanted to do.
Chances are you won’t get that time when you actually build a relationship with someone.
Life will change.
My life is so full right now.
We travel, we have 5 dogs between us and we are quite adventurous.
But my single days were very different. I found I had more time then.
7. Love yourself as a single person
Nobody says being single is easy.
It’s hard to be single when you want a companion to share your life with.
But right now, you are by yourself. You aren’t alone.
You still have people around you who love you.
If you don’t, go out there and build relationships.
Nobody is born with relationships – we all have to build them.
Make friends. I have a detailed post on how to make friends in your 30s.
Do things that make you happy.
Show yourself the same kindness you would a friend who was single.
Give yourself that love you desire.
Be a friend to yourself.
Check-in with yourself and see how you feel.
Do things that make you happy.
- Love good food? Cook a meal from scratch.
- Love traveling? Plan a staycation – go to a beautiful place and explore it yourself.
- Love basketball? Start shooting hoops daily.
Do things that bring you joy.
Your life will change and become so much better.
And most of all, believe that you will find love.
You will find someone who is not like your ex, but better.
The more you improve, the closer you get to finding love.
Love exists within you.
It’s been there all along.
Here are a few more posts to help:
- Will I ever find someone better than my ex? Yes, you will, read this.
- Will I Ever Find Love Again? You Need to Read this
- How I got over my cheating ex and found happiness
- The dating advice for single women I followed to find love
- 13 Ways to Feel Loved When You Feel Nobody Loves You
- My Ex Left Me for Someone Else – Here’s What I Did
- How to recover from a toxic relationship and find peace
- How to Stop Hurting Badly When You Miss your Ex So Much
- How to get over heartbreak when you still love him
- What I Did to Get Over the Fear of Being Cheated on
- 12 Genuine Reasons Why You Want a Girlfriend So Badly
- How to Rebuild your Life After Losing Everything that Matters
- Why Doesn’t Anyone Want to Date Me? – 13 Harsh Truths to Swallow
- I Thought He Was The One: What I Did After I Lost Him
- How to Glow Up After a Breakup – Here’s Everything I Did
- Can’t Stand the Thought of Her With Someone Else – What to Do
- 7 Healthy Habits to Develop in Your 30s as a Woman
- I Hate My Ex-Husband So Much – What I did to Stop and Move on
- 11 Warm and Comforting Books to Read During Difficult Times
- How to prepare yourself for a relationship and find love
- Does Body Count Matter? Everything You Really Need to Know
- 24 Reasons + Ways to Develop a Bubbly Personality (+ Benefits)
- How to Make Friends in Your 30s (What I Did)
- Finding Peace: How to Stop Thinking About Someone Who Hurt You
- How to Go Out Alone with Anxiety (Safely and Comfortably)
- How to Give Yourself Grace (When You Feel Low)