Last Updated on April 8, 2023 by Angela Vaz

Marriage is hard.

There is no denying it.

But it’s even harder when you don’t feel connected to your partner.

As human beings, we all crave love, attention, and affection.

That’s just how our DNA is wired.

When you’re married, you kinda expect your partner to give you that love and care.

However, at some point, you may feel like your wife isn’t attracted to you anymore.

I understand how hard this is.

I’ve been in this situation.

I was in an abusive relationship a long time ago and with time, I lost all sexual interest in my partner.

I talk about how I recovered after I found out he was cheating on me here.

But in this post, I want to talk about all the signs your wife isn’t attracted to you sexually.


Because I feel there is still time and you can do something about it.

Please know that even if she’s displaying all these signs, it doesn’t necessarily mean that your marriage is over.

You still have time.

You’ll need to have an open and honest conversation with your wife about your relationship. I’ll discuss that towards the end of this post.

Let’s dive in.

But before that really quick, get my free guide on how to really reset your life.

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17 Clear signs your wife is not sexually attracted to you

1. She avoids physical touch

she avoids physical touch

If your wife has always been very lovey-dovey and off late she isn’t, something is probably wrong.

Maybe she’s holding back her affection and no longer hugs and kisses you as much as before.

Or she’s doing it half-heartedly and doesn’t seem to initiate those kisses and hugs.

Maybe she gives you an excuse saying she’s tired or is constantly busy.

Either way, if the physical affection has decreased significantly, chances are she isn’t sexually attracted to you.

2. She frequently turns you down for sex

she turns you down for sex

If she is constantly turning you down for sex, it’s possible that there may be underlying issues:

  • She may be stressed: She may be stressed about something in her life or her career.
  • She may have health problems: If she has mental health issues or is physically exhausted due to pregnancy or illnesses, then her libido will naturally be low
  • There may be relationship problems: Perhaps both of you have unresolved conflicts or are not communicating well, either way, she will not feel interested to have sex with you.

So, find out why she’s turning you down, I’ll talk more about it towards the end of the post.

3. She isn’t interested in foreplay

she doesn't like foreplay

Maybe when you both get intimate, she’s trying to finish as soon as possible or she’s always in a hurry.

Perhaps she doesn’t like spending too much time in bed with you.

Or she’s eager to get on with her day.

Either way, these are some signs that she may not be interested in foreplay or exploring new sexual experiences with you and I suggest you find out why

4. She doesn’t make eye contact with you

she doesn't make eye contact with you

This is a very big sign.

If your wife doesn’t look at you during sex, then know, something is wrong.

Some reasons could be:

  • She feels uncomfortable during sex
  • She may be very conscious or insecure about her body
  • She may not be feeling safe with you or feels disconnected from sex

If she is not looking at you or into your face when you’re both intimate, please talk to her.

Be gentle and kind.

Do not accuse her in any way.

There may be an issue in her past too.

It is very important to actively listen and work together to overcome this.

5. She seems distant or distracted during sex

she seems distant with you during sex
  • Does she talk a lot during sex?
  • Does she seem distracted?
  • Is she often thinking about something else when both of you are intimate?

This may mean that something is just not working for her and you’ll have to talk to her to find out what is bothering her.

Please remember to be kind and approach this conversation sensitively.

6. She is spending more time away from you

she spends a lot of time away from you

If you feel like she prefers to spend a lot of time away from you or is constantly involved in her own affairs and barely talks to you, then chances are there is an emotional disconnect.

When there is an emotional disconnect, this is usually followed by a lack of sex.

It’s just how we women are.

We need to feel emotionally connected to our partners to feel sexually attracted to them.

7. She gets irritated with you often

she gets irritated often
  • Is she constantly getting irritated with you or picking faults with you?
  • Is she always yelling at you or picking fights with you?
  • Does everything you do seem to drive her over the edge?

In this case, chances are, there is something wrong with the relationship.

Find out what exactly is bothering her and see if it’s connected to you or your behavior with her.

8. She constantly finds fault with your physical appearance

she finds fault with your physical appearance

Maybe she comments on your dressing style and constantly tells you to dress better.

Or she’s commenting on your hair and personal hygiene?

Is she always asking you to change your appearance or lose weight?

In this case, she may be genuinely losing her physical attraction to you and this is something you will need to talk to her about so that you can fix it.

Tell her how her comments are impacting you.

Ask her to be very specific with her suggestions so that you can understand what exactly is on her mind.

See if these changes are important to her or if they are just her personal preferences.

In this case, you have to prioritize your own feelings and self-esteem. Make these changes only if you feel comfortable doing so.

Don’t do this just because your wife is asking you to.

It is really important for you to communicate these boundaries with your wife and for her to be respectful of your feelings too!

9. She treats you like a friend when you’re outside together

she treats you like a friend outside
  • Does she move your hand away when you try to hold her outdoors?
  • Does she tell you to behave if you try to kiss her or hold her when you’re outside in public?
  • Does she swat away any cuddles or kisses that come her way?

If you feel that she’s changed and this wasn’t her behavior before but now things are different, chances are something is wrong.

She may not be sexually attracted to you anymore or something larger is at play here.

In this case, talk to her.

Find out what is bugging her and approach this with an open mind.

10. She doesn’t respond to compliments

she doesn't respond to compliments

Do you feel like she doesn’t respond to compliments positively?

Maybe she ignores them or she just changes the subject?

The same goes for any affection you give her, does she return it? Or does she give it back half-heartedly?

This is a very strong sign that something is wrong with your relationship.

You’ll need to find out why she is behaving the way she is or why she is showing you such a lack of interest in the relationship.

11. She avoids being alone with you

she avoids being alone with you
  • Does she constantly call friends over or go out with them?
  • Does she avoid trips with you and constantly ask you to call friends and go as a big group?
  • Does she always avoid being alone with you?

This is a sign that she is either guilty of something or just isn’t comfortable with you anymore.

And in this case, you’ll need to figure out what is really happening.

12. She spends more time on her phone

she spends a lot of time on her phone

This is a very big sign that she is not attracted to you.

And if she’s spending all her time on her phone, chances are she is talking to someone else.

This was the first sign my ex displayed when he was cheating on me.

He was always on the phone, even at night.

I’m not saying this is a confirmation, because obviously, you shouldn’t accuse anyone unless you really know they are cheating on you.

But it’s a very obvious sign that something may be wrong in the relationship.

It could also mean that she’s lost interest in the relationship and is bored.

If you feel like your relationship is strong but she is bored or you need to spice up your relationship – take an active interest in it.

Suggest dates – sit down together and talk about how you can both spend some time together to reignite that passion you’ve lost.

When you spend a lot of time in a relationship, this happens.

Sparks die.

It’s normal.

So, figure out a way that both of you can spend more quality time together.

Go on dates, stay up late talking to each other, go for a walk together and talk your hearts out, go on a boat ride.

Do something romantic!

13. She doesn’t respond to flirting

she doesn't respond to flirting

You’ve tried to initiate sex.

You’ve tried to bring back the spice in your marriage.

You flirt and try to reignite the sparks.

But nothing is working.

She doesn’t respond to your flirting or worse, she ignores them completely and changes the subject.

Maybe she claims to be busy.

Either way, figure out why she isn’t interested in asking her directly.

Don’t jump to conclusions until you find the real reason for her being so evasive. I discuss more towards the end of this post.

14. She doesn’t initiate any date nights

she doesn't initiate date nights

If you feel like you’re the one who is constantly initiating every single date night or romantic moment, then something isn’t right.

If you feel like you’re the one who’s always initiating but she makes no attempt to kiss you or initiate anything, chances are that she’s lost interest in sex or isn’t romantically into you as you are.

In this case, try to talk to her.

Find out why there is such a huge disparity between your affection toward her and hers toward you.

Be very gentle and kind.

Do not push her into a corner – if she becomes defensive, back off. Find a better time to talk to her.

Please know that this is a sensitive topic and you need to be patient and gentle in order to move forward.

15. She loves her friends more than you

she loves her friends more than you
  • Does she constantly choose her friends over you?
  • Does she constantly spend more time with them than with you?
  • Is she always taking their side or putting you down in front of them?

In this case, the problem may be that she doesn’t respect her relationship with you or there is something happening in her life and she’s more comfortable talking to her friends about it.

Don’t get upset.

Talk to her.

Tell her how you feel without being accusatory and be kind and gentle.

Listen with an open mind and see what she has to say.

16. She is not showing you respect

she doesn't give you respect

If she constantly taunts you and puts you down, chances are this is more serious than her losing her sexual attraction to you.

If she is constantly yelling at you, or mocking your opinions and values, it could mean that she doesn’t respect you.

I would suggest talking to her about it.

My ex did this a lot and he’d constantly shame me or mock me in front of his friends.

After countless times of talking and getting nowhere, our relationship slowly spiraled into a disaster.

So, I highly recommend talking to her first and explaining to her how you feel.

Help her understand that this is not only affecting your relationship with her but is also hurting your feelings.

If she is not able to understand, then slowly break down situations and be very clear and specific about what you want.

If things aren’t working out or are becoming worse, I highly recommend getting a therapist to help you talk to each other.

17. Everything becomes a heated argument

everything becomes an argument

One of the biggest signs a relationship is declining is the increase in arguments.

If everything you say drives her over the edge or pisses her off, chances are you both are unable to communicate peacefully.

In this case, I recommend talking to a relationship counselor.

There may be underlying communication issues that a therapist will help you resolve.

They will listen to both of you without taking sides and give you the tools to work with each other so that you can communicate more effectively and listen to each other.

Why is my wife not interested in me sexually?

why is my wife not sexually attracted to me

There are actually loads of reasons why your wife may not be sexually interested in you:

  • She may be stressed: If she is under a lot of stress because of her work, her life at home, or something else, this can impact her libido directly and make her less interested in sex. This has nothing to do with you unless her stress is about the relationship.
  • She may have a hormonal imbalance: Hormonal imbalances can occur due to so many factors like menopause, pregnancy, or even thyroid problems. These imbalances can directly affect her sexual desire. In this case, she needs to see a doctor so that she can find out more about it.
  • She may have mental health issues: If your wife is anxious or depressed, she may be less likely to be interested in sex.
  • There may be relationship problems: If there are underlying issues in your relationship with her like toxic communication, an emotional disconnect, or unresolved conflicts, chances are she’s lost interest in sex with you. If women can’t connect emotionally with their partners, they usually won’t have any inclination to have sex with them.
  • She may be in physical pain: Does she have chronic pain or is her body under some sort of physical stress? Maybe she’s taking medication that is affecting her libido directly. In this case, she may be less interested in sex.
  • You’ve been in a relationship for a long time: Please understand it’s completely natural for attraction to wax and wane over time in any long-term relationship. Your wife may be simply experiencing a shift in her attraction to you or may be struggling to maintain a sexual desire for you in other factors. In this case, I recommend going to a counselor just to understand how you both can strengthen your sexual relationship.

As I’ve highlighted above, please understand that every situation is unique and has different solutions.

If your wife is physically tired or experiencing hormonal issues or is stressed, then cut her some slack. Try to help out by understanding her situation and working towards a more practical schedule that both of you can look forward to.

In this case, I highly recommend being kind and sympathetic to her so that she knows she can count on you. This will help her become more understanding and feel more love toward you.

If there are relationship issues, I do suggest going to a counselor to help strengthen your relationship with your wife.

In both cases, it’s important to be open and honest with your wife and talk to her.

What to do if my wife is not sexually attracted to me?

what to do if she's not attracted to me

1. Find out why

You cannot jump to a conclusion even if she’s displaying several signs that she’s not sexually attracted to you.

As I said before, the reasons might be related to mental stress, physical stress, hormonal imbalances, or mental health issues.

So, before you try to fix your relationship, find out if it’s her or the relationship that requires attention.

2. Talk to her and be kind

When you talk to her, be open and honest.

Be kind.

Listen to what she has to say.

This is a very sensitive subject, so you will need to tread lightly. Do not try to accuse her in any way.

But directly talk about the issue at hand. Tell her how you feel and ask her if there is anything you can do to help her feel freer.

3. Spend some time away from each other

This may sound like shit advice, but hear me out.

If both of you have been living together for a long time, and are not really seeing anyone else like your family and friends, then this poses a problem.

Everybody needs a few relationships that don’t involve their partner.

So, take a solo trip or ask her to do the same.

Spend some time with friends and family and ask her to do the same.

Do not go off the grid or take a vow of silence. Keep in touch with video calls and messages. Check-in on each other. But at the same time, you should give each other space so that your love can blossom.

Spending a little time apart will also give you both so much clarity on the relationship.

4. Take her out on a date

Maybe you both are tired because life has happened.

Perhaps you have kids and both of you have gotten into a routine that has become so monotonous, sex doesn’t feel special.

In this case, take her out on a date.

Spend 1 night a week outdoors – go out for a dinner or movie.

Plan a small escapade outside town or go on a road trip – just the 2 of you.

Spice up your marriage and find a way to spend more time together.

5. Talk to a marriage counselor or therapist

talk to a therapist

If things are not working out despite your best efforts, maybe you should take it up a notch.

Talk to someone who can help.

A therapist is not going to take sides. She’ll hear you both out and give you tools to better communicate with each other.

She’ll help you both understand how to talk to each other, find out what is the reason behind your lack of intimacy and help you both navigate these challenges.

I hope this helps and that you’re able to work on this together with your wife.

Here are a few more posts you may find helpful:

Angela is a 30 year old Illustrator and Blogger living with her 2 adorable labradors in Bangalore, India. She has a degree in Psychology and Human Relationships from the University of Toronto. When she's not writing her heart out or drawing, you'll find her sipping chai and reading non-fiction books.

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