Last Updated on May 23, 2023 by Angela Vaz
That word brings about a lot of emotions in me.
To a lot of people, that’s just a number… A tally of sexual partners.
But to a lot of people, it can be a source of shame, guilt, or even pride.
I know because I was this person who was increasingly judgmental.
When I was younger, I genuinely believed that the more people I slept with, the more I had to be ashamed about.
When you’re a woman, you’re made to feel guilty about having a body count.
However, for most men, the opposite is true.
A lot of men grew up believing that the more people they slept with meant that the more desirable they were.
However, more than anything in the world, I cared about the person and the experience.
If I could connect with the person on an emotional level, if I was able to build a bond – that’s all that mattered.
But there was still a nagging voice at the back of my head.
I started to question why I felt the need to constantly prove my work through my sexual experiences.
Was it really worth sacrificing my self-respect and integrity for a fleeting moment of pleasure?
But with experience, I learned that self-worth isn’t attached to your body count.
This knowledge didn’t come immediately.
I had to unlearn what society taught me.
The truth is, body count matters.
It’s not the number that matters, but the intention behind it.
The intention behind the question also matters, FYI.
If we’re engaging in sexual activities solely for validation or to fulfill societal expectations, we are doing ourselves a disservice.
And our self-worth shouldn’t be defined by how many people we’ve slept with but by how we treat others and ourselves.
We need to make choices that actually align with our values and bring us genuine happiness, rather than seeking validation from other people.
So body count matters because it reflects our mindset and the way we view ourselves and our sexuality.
It also shows the thinking behind the person who asks. If the person asks from a place of narrow-mindedness, then you’ll know where the person stands when it comes to sex.
If we approach sex with intention, respect, and a genuine desire to connect with someone, then that’s what matters.
Let’s talk about this some more.
I’m going to talk about my personal experiences and discuss my thoughts on this matter.
I will cover this topic from every angle, so please go through every single question if you want to see this from different perspectives.
But before that really quick, get my free guide on how to really reset your life.
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What does body count actually mean?
Body count refers to the number of people a person has had sexual relations with.
This is a question that is usually asked when people are considering a relationship with their partner.
But of course, there’s more to it than that.
When men have a higher body count, it seems acceptable worldwide and is also encouraged.
The term “boys will be boys” gets thrown around and I don’t have a problem with it provided the same attitude is shown towards women as well.
But women are often criticized and condemned for having a “higher body count.”
They are either branded as a “very promiscuous person” or they’re said to be “an easy lay” or they’re called “loose.”
And honestly, as a woman, it really hurts me to see the disparity between men and women and how their body counts are treated.
What is a good body count for a girl and does body count matter?
This very question poses a problem.
Why have we highlighted the words “girl” and not “people?”
Why are girls any different from boys when it comes to body count?
The concept of a “good body count” for a girl is extremely subjective.
It really depends on the person who’s asking – their cultural, religious, and personal beliefs.
This somehow leads to an entitled belief that the person asking this question needs to own the girl’s past, present and future and see her body as a “thing” to be owned.
I had an ex who was in a relationship with me for over a year.
Yes, we were physical and according to him, I was the first woman he had ever been with.
He knew I was a divorcee before entering the relationship and didn’t seem to have a problem until 9 months down the line.
He suddenly started questioning me about why I had been sexually active, and why I hadn’t saved myself for him.
My answer was simple, “I didn’t know you existed. I met my ex-husband in 2010. At that time, I thought he was a nice guy. I didn’t expect him to cheat on me and then become a divorcee. That was not part of the plan at all. I met you in 2020. How in the world was I supposed to save myself for you?”
That was an unacceptable answer, of course.
Our relationship became rocky after that and 3 months later, he broke up with me claiming that God had shown him another woman and he was supposed to be with her. Additionally, she was a virgin.
Needless to say, I was devastated at that time.
I talk about how to get over a painful breakup in this post.
What is ironic?
That he is now going to be with someone who’s a virgin but he doesn’t feel bad about having a body count higher than hers. It’s hypocrisy at its finest.
But I am grateful for that incident because as I was going through heartbreak, I realized that I needed a man who wanted me and who was okay with my past.
I wanted a man who looked at everything I had to offer and saw me as more than a piece of meat to be claimed.
I wanted someone who cared about how intelligent, kind, and creative I was rather than worry about who I had been with physically in my past.
I am more than just a piece of meat.
And I strongly feel that in the end, what matters most is that a person feels comfortable and happy with their sexual experiences and has made safe and consensual choices.
If you can’t deal with your partner’s body count, leave.
But do not shame them or judge them for their sexual history or preferences.
Please understand that if you want to maintain a low body count due to your cultural and religious beliefs, that’s perfectly alright.
You do you.
Everyone has the right to make their own choices and live their life as they see fit.
So if you love your body count, awesome.
But don’t expect others to adhere to your beliefs.
Is it healthy to ask a person about their body count?
Again, it depends on the intention.
- Are you asking out of curiosity?
- Are you asking because you want to get to know your partner better?
- Are you asking because you want to understand your partner’s past because you genuinely care about them?
- Are you asking because you want to be safe and ensure that both of you do not have any STIs?
By all means, go ahead.
It’s healthy and it’s wonderful that you’re trying to get to know your partner better.
Understanding your partner’s body count will help you to:
- Know if they’ve had more experience with relationships than you have. This way you can get to know them better.
- Understand their sexual history and stay safe and protected from STIs and so forth.
- See if they are displaying some unhealed childhood trauma. If a person sleeps with people because they have intimacy issues, then this definitely will affect your relationship and needs more understanding.
- Understand if both of you have the same opinions and beliefs.
But if you’re asking because:
- You believe that your partner’s body count should be 0 or a very low number.
- You feel that they owe you the truth because you want to know how many people they have been with and see whether it’s higher than yours.
- You feel insecure because you feel that the number of sexual partners they’ve had determines their self-worth or your worth.
Then know that this is not healthy.
You definitely need to find out the root cause of these beliefs and try to heal. You can talk to a therapist or a counselor to understand why you feel this person you care about has to have a lower body count.
More importantly, you need to understand why you feel claim to their body especially when it has nothing to do with the present relationship you have with them.
Should a woman tell a man her body count?
My current partner asked me about my body count and I told him even though I was a little nervous. It was way higher than his.
He had no problem with it.
He told me, “It’s your past and it doesn’t matter. I’ve been with only 2 girls, one cheated on me and the other passed away. Both of them never loved me as much as you have. I don’t care about your past. I care about your present. And I love being your present and that’s all that matters.”
Needless to say, I am with a man who loves me for me and I love that he didn’t care about my body count.
We’ve been going strong for almost 2 years and I couldn’t be happier.
I am so glad I was honest about my body count.
But let’s say things went the other way.
Let’s say I was with a man who was paranoid about my body count and wanted it to be zero.
I’d have told the truth even then.
First of all, I will stand clear on this: No relationship should be based on lies. It’s not right. I understand that you might have a fear of revealing your body count and him leaving you – but this is alright.
If a man cannot accept you for who you are and for what your past is, he doesn’t deserve you.
It’s better he leaves now because his mindset is going to create a lot of issues for you in the future.
He may be super paranoid about your body count but there is more to it than that.
His insecurity may come up in the future and he may get upset with you or believe that you might cheat. He may also be very possessive of you and not trust you enough.
He has the right to know who he is getting into a relationship with, as do you.
So, both of you have the right to learn more about each other.
And if he leaves you because he is not happy with your body count, bid him farewell.
You will find someone who loves you for you and who accepts you for your past.
Your number of sexual partners in the past does not determine your ability to love a person.
Your body count doesn’t define your self-worth. And if you meet a person who makes you feel bad about your body count, leave.
Don’t look back.
Should it matter if a girl has a high body count?
This depends honestly.
- You’ve spent enough time with her, does she display red flags of not being able to love you or maintain a relationship with you? No? Then it doesn’t matter.
- Is she traumatized by her childhood trauma or an incident in her past and is not able to maintain a stable relationship? Yes? then this matters.
- Is she monogamous? Does she believe in having a stable and single relationship? Does she want the same things you do? Yes? Then it doesn’t matter.
- Is she polyamorous or has an addiction to sex? Does she want to have open relationships while you want a monogamous relationship? Yes? Then you definitely should part ways.
- Is her body count very high? Does she have an STI or HIV? Please ensure that she is alright. If she doesn’t have any STIs and is safe, then you don’t need to worry about her body count.
At the end of the day, if she wants the same things you do and is looking for a long-term relationship just as much as you are, then her past need not matter.
If she has cheated before in several relationships, then I will advise you to proceed with caution.
My ex-husband was a serial cheater. He had a very low body count, but he continuously cheated on me and the next woman he was with.
Being a serial cheater means not being able to commit to a single person, so in this case, yes, be careful.
Does it matter how many people you’ve slept with?
Honestly, if you are looking to spend your life with an open-minded person who is secure in their manhood or womanhood, it shouldn’t matter.
If you have a high body count, all it means is you were sexually active and you may be very experienced when it comes to sex.
If you’ve been careful and practiced safe sex, then you don’t need to worry about STIs or HIV. In any case, always get tested.
This is for your protection and your future partners.
If you are looking for an open relationship or a polyamorous relationship, be open with your partner and tell them that.
If you are looking for a very serious relationship, then you will have to abstain from sex for a bit in order to find people who are looking for the same thing.
Most people who want a serious long-term relationship keep an emotional connection as the first priority. They want to find someone that they can connect with emotionally.
Sex is built over that emotional connection. It comes afterward, basically.
So, hold off until you find someone who understands you, likes you for who you are, and then build towards that sexual connection.
This will help you find a long-lasting and stable relationship.
I hope this helps.
If you have more questions, please leave them below. I will try to answer them asap.
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