Last Updated on October 14, 2022 by Angela Vaz
You’re tired of seeing couples everywhere you go.
Deep down, you feel you deserve love.
And you don’t know why you can’t find it.
You’ve tried but it just doesn’t seem to be working out.
My name is Angela and I have a degree in human relationships and psychology. In this post, I’ll talk about what is stopping you from landing a date.
And if you’re having questions like “Why doesn’t anyone want to date me?” then you’ll find an answer here.
This post contains affiliate links, meaning I may make a commission at no extra cost to you if you decide to click on a link and purchase something. Click here to read the full disclaimer.
Why doesn’t anyone want to date me? 7 Brutal reasons
1. You are generalizing people
I’ve met many single people who are extremely disgruntled and unhappy.
They say things like, “All men cheat.” or “Women are so shallow.”
The problem is that they have already generalized the population and have decided that everyone is unworthy.
They need not say this out loud, but it will show up in their mannerisms and personality.
Let’s be honest, would you want to date someone who is extremely negative and very condescending?
I met an autistic man once who said that it is impossible to find a woman to go out with because they always want physically endowed, rich guys.
He couldn’t be more wrong.
Please understand that no matter how you’re built or what kind of preference you have, you will find people who are compatible with you and have the same goals.
So, keep an open mind and an open heart.
This is the first step to dating – you need to have faith.
2. You don’t know what you want
Take some time off dating and just focus on what you want.
Ask yourself really important questions like:
- What am I looking for in a partner?
- What are the qualities I want in a partner?
- What kind of goals should they have?
- Do I want kids or do I want to travel with my partner?
- What kind of life are they looking for? Will I be able to provide it for them?
- If you are religious, ask yourself if you are looking for someone with those kinds of values and culture.
You need to know what you want in order to search for what you want.
That way when you meet someone, you will know within 1-2 dates if it’s going to go somewhere or if you’re better off searching again.
The problem is most people don’t know what they want.
And even if they do, they refuse to communicate it with someone.
3. Be okay with rejection and dates not working out
Now, you need to understand that just because you’ve been single and alone for a long time, doesn’t mean you should marry the next person you meet.
That’s not how dating works.
Dating is data collection.
Spend some time talking to a person and getting to know them first.
Meet them and see how you feel. What does your gut tell you?
Do they have the same values and goals that you do?
Are they passionate about their work?
Do they have dreams that they are working towards?
Pay attention to how they treat people around them.
Listen to them talk.
Lay your cards on the table.
You don’t have to say things like:
- I am looking to marry.
- I want to have 12 kids.
That is going to scare off anyone even if that is what they really want.
Instead, say something like,
- I am looking for a serious relationship
- So, that’s why I’m here. I just want to share my life with someone.
End it at that.
If you are looking for a casual relationship or you’re polyamorous, then say that.
Don’t lie about what you’re looking for or your relationship status.
The best relationships are built on communication and honesty.
If the date goes well, go on another.
Don’t look for marriage when you’re dating.
Just focus on spending time with someone who wants the same things.
If the person you date doesn’t want to go on another, be frank and ask them.
I went on many dates when people and when I noticed that it wasn’t going to work out, I was honest.
I said what was on my mind in a nice way.
I’d say things like it’s not going to work out because this is not what I am looking for or we are too different and I don’t see it working out.
Some people are getting out of bad relationships and are just not ready for a serious commitment.
Don’t take anything anyone says personally.
The first step to dating is knowing that you are putting your mind and heart out there.
You need to be okay with rejection and saying no when you feel things aren’t right.
4. Your filters are bad
It’s taken me a long time to study body language and see people for what they are just by the way they talk.
But that instinct developed over time.
It’s like a skill.
It gets better with practice. Poor decision-making also helps you make wiser decisions.
Let’s say you start talking to someone who doesn’t at all let you talk.
They talk over you and are very forceful.
I actually went out with a guy like this.
He called me on the phone after chatting for a while and wouldn’t let me talk.
He talked for 7 hours.
I still decided to give him a chance and I went out with him for lunch the next day.
He not only was forceful, but he felt he knew what was best for me.
He ordered a drink even when I said I didn’t want any.
He forcefully held my hand all while laughing and telling stories even though he could see I was uncomfortable with it.
And at the end of the date, he snogged me while I was still eating my cheesecake.
I was disgusted.
I ended the date and never saw him again.
But I had ignored all the red flags prior to that date.
My point is, to pay attention to the red flags.
Some of them are:
- Not showing any interest in what you’re saying
- Not paying attention to you
- Constantly looking around at other people instead of at your face
- Unable to take no for an answer
- Unable to give you space after the date has ended
- Being overly condescending
- Being extremely biased in their opinions
These are all red flags for a date going poorly.
But please know that it gets better with time.
As you go out on dates with people and talk to many people, your gut starts to pick up on the red flags – you get better at filtering out people that are not right for you.
5. You’re looking in the wrong places for love
One of my friends always ends up with men who cheat.
Because she’s always chatting with guys who already have girlfriends or wives.
She wants to save people from bad relationships.
It’s just the wrong way to go about it.
Because someone who is unhappy in a relationship should leave their relationship and be single.
That shows maturity, integrity, and respect for themselves and their partners.
You need to change your mindset and approach dating from a clear perspective.
If you’re looking for a serious relationship, then hanging out in pubs or bars after 9 pm is not the right way to go about it.
Chances are those people are happily single or are looking for something that isn’t serious or they are already committed and just want to have a good time.
Let’s say you want to meet someone who is intelligent and has a flair for the arts.
You can join an art class or a painting class.
The idea is to hang out in places that already have people who will be compatible with you.
If you are looking for a one-night stand, then you can join Tinder.
If you’re looking for a life-long partner, then join an app where people are looking for long-term commitments.
So, spend some time thinking about what you are looking for and asking yourself where you can find people with those interests.
6. You’re too scared to let people in
It’s very understandable to be on your guard and have major trust issues when you’ve been hurt countless times before.
But you need to understand one thing – if you want to find love, you need to keep an open mind and an open heart.
I’m not asking you to jump head-first on your first date with someone.
But be open enough so that the other person feels comfortable doing the same.
Talk and form a genuine bond.
Even if the date doesn’t go anywhere, at least both of you will have had a good time getting to know each other.
You are not going to find love on 1 date.
Unfortunately, you will have to kiss a few frogs before finding the one.
Some people are genuinely lucky and meet their life partner young.
Some of us take time because we just have that much growing to do.
Please understand that being single is not a bad thing.
It just means you haven’t found the right person yet.
That’s all it is.
So, every time you go out on a date, give the other person a chance.
Don’t knock down everyone you meet.
7. You’re judging people based on “chemistry” and “sparks”
If a person is making you laugh and knows all the right things to say and you feel tons of sparks on the first date, it doesn’t mean they are the one.
Please understand that people who are really charming or just make you feel incredibly turned on, on the first date have had loads of practice dating.
They are usually womanizers and playboys.
I’m not generalizing, I’m just saying it’s usually the case.
People who don’t have experience dating will be slightly anxious on the first date.
They will take a little time to open up.
They will stutter a bit, and probably not be 100%, Prince Charming.
Give these people a chance.
Don’t just dismiss them because they come off awkward and anxious.
They’re probably just not used to dating.
And it’s okay.
My current boyfriend was just like that on our first date.
He doesn’t have much experience with relationships and was really nervous on the first 2 dates.
I found him weird.
But as I spoke to him every day, I realized he is a very nice and put-together person.
He just needed time to get used to opening up to a woman.
It took me time to like him.
It took more than a month for me to fancy him.
And we both fell in love with each other slowly because both of us had been burned before by previous relationships.
8. You don’t love yourself enough
I went out with a guy once who constantly belittled himself.
After a point, it was just sad.
I realized I could no longer talk to someone who constantly put himself down and pitied himself. This is what he sounded like,
- Of course, it wouldn’t work, I’m just not that lucky.
- Oh, everybody breaks up with me, people just don’t like what they see
- I tried my hand at it, but I’m nowhere near as good as my brother.
- Everybody gets it right but me
- Yes, it had to rain today, because I decided to go out
- You find me good-looking? Why? I just can’t see it.
If you don’t love yourself, how do you expect anyone else to?
You cannot start a relationship with anyone unless you start loving yourself first.
So, if you have low self-esteem please take some time to work on it.
Appreciate yourself for your strengths and your flaws.
Know that you are special and you deserve love just as much as the next person.
Start treating yourself with the same kindness you would a small child.
It can be very difficult to grow up in a family where you aren’t given love and attention.
That does take a toll on many adults and they feel that they need to jump through hoops to deserve love.
But know this – if you love yourself, it is enough.
It is okay to be alone.
It is okay to be single.
Just focus on loving life and loving yourself.
Learn to be positive and happy.
Happiness isn’t a goal, it’s a feeling.
You can choose to be happy no matter what your life circumstance is and no matter where you are.
You need to stop comparing yourself to others and focus on your own life. This is when you will start being content and happy.
9. You have no ambitions and goals
If you are looking to meet a person with ambition, you need to have ambition too.
You can’t expect to find a person who is fit and strong while you can’t be bothered to get off the couch.
There has to be some degree of compatibility.
At the same time, if you want to find a person who loves their work and looks forward to going to work every day, you need to love your work as well and be really hardworking.
If you’re looking for someone who wants to have children, you need to show that you love responsibility and nurturing people too.
Compatibility is very, very important.
It’s okay if you both like different TV shows or read different books – that does not matter.
But your values need to be aligned.
So, work on yourself.
Draft personal goals and start working towards them.
10. You hate people
Whenever I would go out on a date with someone, I listen.
I watch how they talk about people.
If you can’t stop complaining about people – whether it’s your family or your exes, you’re going to be a major red flag to anyone who dates you.
People love positivity.
Whether they like it or not.
Toxic people attract toxic people.
If you are going to complain about everyone and everything in your life, you are going to attract someone who is just the same.
Things will go great at first and eventually they will have something negative to say about everything you do.
Be a bright light and learn to find the silver lining.
Take responsibility for things that don’t go well.
My first ex cheated on me after 9 years of being together.
My second ex left me because he saw a vision from God that he was meant to be with someone else.
I never blamed them.
I blamed myself for making bad decisions and being insecure. That attracted these people to me and I was unwise and naive. I should have seen the red flags, but I overlooked them because I was desperate to be in a relationship.
I take responsibility for my mistakes.
And only when I learned to be grateful for the lessons that I was taught, did I find love.
I started loving life and people and even if bad things happened, I learned to stop, take notice, and then make adjustments to make things better.
Do not blame yourself completely or blame the world for the problems you have.
See it for what it is, learn to identify what went wrong, and then take away the learning and move on.
11. You’re very picky about the people you meet
I’ve noticed many people are very specific about the physical requirements of the person they want to date.
That’s great that you have preferences, but the more preferences you have, the more difficult it will be for you to find someone.
Not everyone is over 6 feet tall and has a well-built muscular structure.
Also, a person who pays a lot of attention to looks is kinda okay with a person slacking on everything else.
You may meet a great person who’s beautiful, has lovely hair, and is amazing in bed.
But they may not be wise when it comes to making decisions or may not be honest.
You really need to ask yourself if you are looking for a person that’s pretty or a person that has other redeeming qualities.
I’m not saying it’s impossible to meet beautiful people who are also kind, loving, and smart.
I’m just saying that the chances of finding someone that is a 10 in every field are hard.
12. You’re very needy
When you show people you date that you don’t have a life and all you’re looking for is love, it shows that you don’t have anything going for you.
People want to date people who are well-sorted and have their lives together.
When I was going out with people, I admired people who had good careers and were high on life.
Nobody likes to go out with someone who is desperate and clingy.
I remember chatting with a guy on a dating app for about half an hour casually before he asked me, “Is this going somewhere because I am looking to get married in the next 2 months? Please let me know if this is going somewhere or not.”
I was turned off, to say the least.
We had just spoken about the Batman animated series and a new ice cream parlor in the city and he wanted to know if I was interested in marrying him.
Yeah… that definitely did not work.
As I said, if you are that desperate for a relationship, you are going to make yourself vulnerable to predators.
13. You don’t put yourself out there
Unfortunately, even though the world has billions of people in it, you have to put yourself out there to land a date.
Nobody is going to fall into your lap.
I would go to the park hoping someone would talk to me like in the movies.
It didn’t happen.
Unless you genuinely start making an attempt to talk to people, you’re never going to meet someone.
Join a dating app, especially if work is too demanding or you just don’t have the time to join a physical class.
Focus on just building genuine human connections.
Don’t focus on getting into a relationship.
Find someone you like first.
Once you really like talking to someone, arrange a date.
Make sure it’s lunch – lunch is not a huge commitment. You can arrange a date in a coffee shop.
You can follow this dating advice.
If the person refuses and wants to eat at a fancy restaurant, split the bill.
Don’t go all out and pay for someone’s food when you don’t know them.
Always go dutch on the first date – it’s polite. And remember this is a date. Not a marriage proposal.
You can also choose to have coffee.
If you decide to drink, then don’t overdo it.
I know I’ve covered a lot of points, but take it easy.
I’ve made a lot of these mistakes myself and it’s taken me a long time to fix them and learn from them before I was able to find love.
I wish you nothing but the best.
If you have the desire to be in a loving and committed relationship and are dedicated to working on yourself before you find love, you will find love.
Here are a few more posts you will find helpful:
- Struggling with singleness, read this
- Will I ever find love again? Read this
- Will I ever find someone better than my ex? Yes, you will. Here’s why
- How to live alone and not be lonely
- 13 insightful tips to live alone
- How to prepare yourself for a relationship and find love
- My ex left me for someone else, here’s what I did
- How to recover after a toxic relationship
- The dating advice I followed when I was single that worked!
- How to patient and wait for love
- I thought he was the one, what I did after losing him
- How to get over a cheating ex
- How to get over the pain of missing your ex
I do all the things suggested in this article. People say I’m a great guy and I deserve so much. But I don’t get a second glance. I don’t even get a first glance.
I’m not super attractive, but I’m ambitious, intelligent and caring. I like talking about topics that stimulate thought and love to hear other people’s views on things.
I’ve put myself out there, gone to social places to meet people and make new friends, joined every dating app and I am still single.
I’m starting to feel completely hopeless in the chances of finding someone
From what you’ve told me, here’s what I can say:
1. You’re very intelligent – the more intelligent and emotionally mature you become, the harder it is to find people that actually want the same things or have the same goals. I know this because my fiance is like this. For 31 years he was single and the only person he ever loved, he lost to a gas explosion. He just finds it hard to form real connections with people. You are a rare breed and I’m not going to lie, it will be tough to find someone like you.
2. You have very few options – I don’t know where you stay but the crowd matters. If you live in a small town where there aren’t that many people, it is going to be harder to find someone very compatible with you. This is a fact.
3. You’re being too picky or your filters are off – I would suggest giving anyone a change – anyone who can hold a good conversation, is a good communicator, and is kind and respectful. Like I said, it gets harder to date as we grow up and become more mature. But you will find someone. I felt the same way when I continued to date people that I just didn’t click with until I found someone that matched my wavelength. It’s just going to take some time.
Don’t lose hope. Somewhere out there, there are people who are just as frustrated as you are because they can’t find someone and these are the people that will be your best match. You’re going to find someone, don’t give up.
Warmest regards and seasons greetings,