Last Updated on January 17, 2023 by Angela Vaz
I get it because I’ve been through the same situation.
Everything is going superbly well and you are thoroughly enjoying this new dating phase.
It feels like happiness will never die.
And suddenly, from out of the blue, the ex pops up.
She has realized what she has lost and now she wants him back.
Your boyfriend’s ex wants him back, what do you do?
In this post, I am going to talk about my experience and also help you decide what to do.
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Your boyfriend’s ex wants him back, what should you do?
1. Appreciate his honesty
Seriously, we’d been dating for just two months and he already trusted in me enough to confide in me about his ex reaching out to him.
I was so grateful that he wasn’t hiding it from me and felt like he could tell me things that were so personal to him.
So, if your boyfriend is telling you about the situation and confiding in you, please know that this is a good sign.
It means he sees you as a close friend and confidante -this is a sign that your relationship is off to a great start.
It means he trusts you and values your opinion.
It also means that he knows this is something that should be on the table and he’s briefing you about his life and his past.
2. Get all the facts
Whenever someone is confiding in you, keep an open mind and heart.
Do not get mad even if the news upsets you.
This will help your boyfriend always come to you whenever he is in a fix.
It tells him that you value open communication and honesty.
No matter what you’re feeling inside, just listen.
Don’t interrupt and ask questions – let him tell you everything first.
Listening will not only improve your relationship but will also help you get to know him better.
It will help him know that he can come to you with absolutely anything – this is how you encourage your boyfriend to open up.
At this point, listen and ask him what his thoughts are on the whole matter.
That’s what I did and at that point, all I wanted to know was where he stood.
3. Tell him how you feel
There are 2 scenarios that can happen when an ex pops up:
- He may want to be friends with her or polite with her (because she was a huge part of his life).
- He will want to have nothing to do with her because that door is permanently closed
Either way at this point, you need the facts.
If he wants to be friends with her, tell him that you are not comfortable with it.
Don’t tell him what to do, only talk about how this situation is making you feel.
Be very calm and honest.
Don’t lose your cool or get mad.
Remember, he wanted you to know and that’s why he told you.
Keep that in mind when you’re talking to him.
Watch his reactions, and see how he reacts to your emotions.
This will basically surmise how your boyfriend is going to be with you for the rest of your relationship.
When a man loves a woman, he will put her first.
If he knows that his being friends with his ex will hurt you and jeopardize your relationship, he will cut her off (unless they have a business or a child together).
If at all he has unfinished business with her and needs to talk to her till that is solved like:
- An ongoing divorce
- Kids and dealing with custody
- A business that he has started with her
Then you will need to be understanding because you entered this relationship knowing that these were the issues you both would have to tackle on a daily basis.
If these issues are having a negative effect on your relationship and you can’t have a relationship with someone who has to be in touch with his ex, then you need to consider ending the relationship.
If there is nothing on the line and he doesn’t want to be friends, you’re in luck – you can just let him handle it and relax.
If he dismisses your emotions or calls you silly, then it simply means that he does not care about you the way you care about him.
At this point, I would recommend analyzing where you stand. You don’t want to build a relationship with someone who isn’t sympathetic to your feelings.
4. Watch how he treats her
Whether he wants to be friends or not, see how he treats her.
If he is being overly flirtatious, I think he is still hung up on her. At this point, please talk to him.
Ask him how he feels about this and if he still has feelings for her.
If you feel he does or he admits that he is still hung up on her, then you should definitely leave.
You cannot make a relationship work with someone who hasn’t gotten over his ex.
It is going to interfere with your relationship if not now, then later.
If he treats her with nothing but kindness but at the same time is still firm with her and draws boundaries, then you have nothing to worry about.
You’ve landed a good man who is trustworthy and kind – a diamond in the rough.
If he is cruel to her or taunts her, then you need to be very careful because this is how he might treat you down the line when things don’t go his way.
People who are unkind to others will eventually treat you the same one day.
5. Know that this is his ordeal
It can be very difficult for us women to butt out and give a man space, but it is essential that you do it.
You cannot control him, he is his own person.
At the end of the day, this is a test of your relationship and how strong it is.
If the relationship means something to him, he will do the right thing and draw healthy boundaries with his ex.
If it isn’t then you will need to step back and let him go.
That’s just how it is.
You cannot force someone to be with you.
It has to be their own choice.
But either way, you need to let him make this decision for himself.
This is a true testament to his character. And allowing him to make that decision will help you get a clear picture of what he is like as a person.
In my case, I got lucky.
My boyfriend wanted nothing to do with his girlfriend because he felt that it was time she moved on properly.
He lay boundaries and gently told her that it was never going to happen.
He politely told her that he is seeing someone new and they would be no future between them.
We have been dating for a long time so that we could understand each other and learn about each other’s quirks.
Dating is basically data collection – you try to see whether both of you want the same things and have the same goals and values.
6. Analyse how it’s going
If a man really loves you, you won’t have a doubt about it.
Despite this woman trying to get in touch with my boyfriend several times, I just knew that nothing was going to happen.
I never asked him about anything and only listened when he talked to me. From time to time, he’d tell me about how she’d contact him and I was very sympathetic because I knew she was having a hard time letting go of her ex.
When you love someone and trust them and it goes both ways, you feel secure in your relationship.
I knew that he was wise enough to know what the right thing to do was and I knew that he was heavily invested in our relationship just like I was.
So, no matter what happens, trust that it’s for the best.
However, let’s say things don’t go in your favor.
Let’s say he starts talking to her and still has unresolved feelings for her.
In this case, you will need to step out and let him go.
You cannot manipulate him or try to draw comparisons between her and you and force him to see the light.
Even though you may be the better choice, he needs to figure that out for himself.
You cannot make someone love you and force someone to love you.
There is no way that you can make this relationship work.
That’s what love and dating are all about.
A relationship only works if two people love each other and want to be with each other only.
So as much as it is going to hurt, let him go so that you can find someone else that will give you the love and respect you deserve.
7. Your stability and patience will be tested
When situations like these arise, it’s easy to fly off the handle and get upset.
But please know that you don’t own your boyfriend.
He is a human being with his own thoughts and feelings just like you.
Give him a chance to do the right thing.
No matter what happens, it will happen for the best.
If he really loves you and wants this relationship to work, he is going to do the right thing and set healthy boundaries with his ex.
If he does not see a future with you, there is nothing you can do to change his mind.
You may convince him for a short while to stop seeing her but eventually, he is going to stray – if not with her, with someone else.
So, resist the urge to set things right yourself.
This is his life and his decision.
At the end of the day, you can only voice your concerns.
How he reacts, reflects entirely on him.
If you lose your cool or say mean things, you are only going to ruin the relationship you have with your boyfriend.
8. Do not confront his ex
I highly recommend not even talking to her.
Because this is not your concern.
She is his ex and they have had a relationship that you cannot take away from them.
It doesn’t matter if she wants him back or throws herself at him.
What matters is she is his past.
If he has given you no reason to doubt him, then that’s all there is to it.
You cannot control her or cut her out of the picture.
Please know this: You and your boyfriend will have many people hitting on you and trying to drive a wedge in your relationship.
If your relationship is strong and you both trust each other, then no one can come between you.
So avoid talking to her, or being mean to her.
Do not stalk his ex on social media because that is just going to increase your anxiety.
9. Respect your boyfriend
It goes without saying, but many women I know have tried to manipulate their boyfriends emotionally.
I did this with my first ex as well.
I was young and naive.
For some reason, I always found him chatting with girls and he’d always tell me that it was them who were chasing him.
I never understood it then.
But it always hurt me.
I would try to cut them out of his life so I could “protect” him.
With time I realized that we just didn’t have a good relationship. He didn’t want it hard enough and I learned to let things take their course.
In 2019, I found out that he’d been cheating on me with a married neighbor.
After I left, I found out that he’d also been seeing several prostitutes on the side.
Basically, my point is that if a person has to stray, they will.
If you have to control them and keep them from cheating, then you need to ask yourself if the relationship is even worth it.
The minimum requirement of a relationship is that a person is able to commit.
If you find yourself having obsessive thoughts about your boyfriend and his ex, then maybe either or both of you are not ready to be in a committed relationship.
You need to respect your boyfriend and his wishes.
If he wants to go back to his ex, then you’ve got your answer.
Let him go so that you can find the right person for you.
I am so glad that I let my first ex go because I never would have found my current boyfriend otherwise.
Maybe I spent so many years with the wrong person, but I finally have found someone who loves and respects me just as much as I do him.
It’s about mutual love and respect.
And both of us trust each other enough to handle our own individual problems.
Unless your boyfriend asks for your input and asks you for help, don’t involve yourself.
My boyfriend asked me for my advice when he was writing to her because he wanted to be kind but firm.
I gave him my input and he was able to handle that situation on his own.
She tried asking many times after that, but each time, he held his ground.
And that’s what you need to ask yourself.
Is your boyfriend capable of drawing healthy boundaries?
This will show you whether he can do the same in the future when you’re not there and other women are trying to make a pass at him.
That’s why it is important to let him make his own decision.
In my case, I knew both of us had gone through so much pain with our exes and we were both looking for stability.
I knew he wouldn’t be in a relationship with me unless I was giving him that, so I was super comfortable with his decisions and let him make them himself.
What makes a man go back to his ex?
I want you to know that even if he does go back to his ex, there is nothing you could have done to stop him.
He is his own person and in the end, you have to respect his choice.
Maybe he isn’t over her or maybe he never really could accept change.
Either way, it was wrong of him to enter a new relationship with you if he still had feelings for his ex.
I remember going out with a man before my current boyfriend.
He was really nice and almost everything was going smoothly but I could tell he wasn’t over his ex.
I was really into him but I knew that our relationship would never go anywhere because he wasn’t done healing.
I ended things and I am glad I did.
Whenever you sense that something just isn’t going the way you hoped for, be the bigger person and let them go.
Don’t fight to keep someone that doesn’t love you the same way you love them.
It will only end in heartbreak for both you and him.
How do I stop being jealous of my boyfriend’s ex?
You realize that both of them were obviously not right for each other, otherwise, she wouldn’t be his ex.
Maybe they dated for way longer than you have, but in the end, it didn’t work out.
They broke up and your boyfriend chose you.
He chose you.
That’s the final point you need to remember: he chose you and he loves you.
You cannot judge someone based on their past.
We all make mistakes.
My first ex was abusive and couldn’t remain loyal.
But I have moved on from that and found someone who didn’t judge me based on my earlier choices.
When you enter a new relationship, you need to focus on the present.
If your boyfriend has chosen to date you and you both are having a good time together, why are you worried about his ex?
Let’s say he sees her every day because she is in his office or he has a child with her.
The question you need to ask yourself is, do you trust him?
It’s not her you need to be worried about.
Remember, at the end of the day, any woman can make a pass at your boyfriend.
Are you going to sit and worry about every woman in your boyfriend’s life?
If that is the case, then you may not be ready to be in a serious relationship.
If you cannot trust your boyfriend or make peace with his past, then you may never be happy being in a relationship with this person.
You need to work on your insecurities and learn to trust the person that you have entered a relationship with.
This will help you become emotionally stronger and more mature.
Here are a few more posts that you may find useful:
- 47 early dating signs he genuinely likes you
- 27 signs he is never going to let you go
- 11 practical ways to stop letting things bother you
- What to say to the woman he’s cheating on you with
- What I did when I found out my ex was cheating on me
- My cheating ex wants to be friends, what do I do?
- How to recover after a toxic relationship
- How to love yourself as a single woman
- 17 signs your partner doesn’t respect or value you
- 17 signs he only wants you for your body
- 21 signs he thinks you’re not good enough
- I thought he was the one: What did I do after losing him
- How to rebuild your life after losing everything that matters
- Struggling with singleness? Read this
- How to recover from a toxic relationship
- Will I ever find love again? Yes, here’s why
- How to prepare yourself for a relationship and find love
- Will I ever find someone better than my ex? Yes, read this
- 7 books to read after a painful breakup
- 13 signs you are healing from a painful breakup