Last Updated on July 10, 2023 by Angela Vaz
All my life, I read stories and watched movies where boys got jealous of their girls talking to someone else – so I believed that it was normal.
I attended college with that mindset and I genuinely thought I’d found love when I started dating my first boyfriend.
He’d get jealous when I’d talk to other guys (even though it was about homework and it was in a public place).
He’d watch me, text me, threaten me, and constantly say, “No babe, I trust you – it’s them I don’t trust.”
I believed it was magical – to be loved and desired so much.
My boyfriend was just insecure.
He was so insecure, that he made me believe that I had to be with only him to prove my love for him.
With time, that insecurity got really bad.
He would make sure I never left the house and I got dogs to keep me company because I was so starved for human interaction.
I was closed off from the world.
He’d get mad even if I spoke to my mum on the phone.
I only gathered the courage to leave, when I realized he was cheating on me.
And in this article, I’m going to explain why jealousy isn’t proof of love – it’s only a warning sign of impending doom.
Read on to hear my experience as I’ve seen it from both sides.
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Why does my boyfriend never get jealous?
There are 2 reasons why your boyfriend never gets jealous – and it definitely depends on the overall situation.
1. Your boyfriend trusts you and is very secure in the relationship
Your boyfriend is either super secure with the relationship and you – he trusts you so much that he knows you can take care of yourself and you’re not the type to cheat.
He also definitely believes that if you have a problem with him or the relationship, you’ll tell him and be honest with him.
He doesn’t view you as property and he doesn’t feel he owns you.
He trusts that you have your own mind and you’re quite capable of making well-informed decisions.
This is the highest honor you can receive when you’re dating someone – it’s a sign of emotional maturity.
2. Your boyfriend and you are casually dating and it’s not serious yet
Another reason why he isn’t jealous could possibly be that he just isn’t as vested as you believe he is.
Perhaps this is a casual relationship and he doesn’t feel the need to be overly possessive of you or be perturbed about who you talk to.
And this is something you need to ponder about.
If you both aren’t very serious, then it’s okay for him to be this way. So, talk to him and find out how serious is this relationship.
Have the relationship talk.
Now these 2 reasons are on 2 different extremes – I get it.
But you need to analyze what your boyfriend is like and understand which category he falls into.
In my case, I am currently in a very beautiful relationship.
I found my partner on Hinge and we’ve been living together for almost 2 years.
We both have been cheated on in the past by our exes and we both are super open and believe in honest communication.
So, there is no concept of cheating or trust issues in our relationship.
We know we can tell each other everything – there is no resentment or negative feelings building up because the minute there is an issue, we spill.
Is it normal if your partner never gets jealous?
In fact, if you and your partner have a strong and loving relationship – there shouldn’t be any jealousy.
This is the definition of a healthy relationship.
Jealousy only exists in toxic relationships – it happens when a person is so insecure that they believe their partner will cheat on them with anyone they talk to.
My partner has so many female colleagues and female friends and he’s so open with them.
All his male friends are my male friends so the minute we find someone we like, we vibe!
We both love talking to people (gender doesn’t matter) and that’s how it should be.
Let’s consider the worst-case scenario.
Let’s say a girl wants to hit on my partner – why should it matter? My partner has a brain of his own, he entered this relationship with me on his own accord.
I didn’t hold a gun to his head when we got engaged.
So, he’ll use his words to tell her he’s committed even if she tries to make a move.
That’s how trust works.
You both trust each other and know that you both want a strong and happy relationship – so there is no question of jealousy!
How do you make a guy who never gets jealous – jealous?
You don’t, instead, you seek therapy.
Figure out why you are craving this form of attention – why do you want to put someone through those god-awful negative feelings?
Would you love to have the same thing done to you?
Try to understand what is prompting you to seek that form of validation from someone.
No, it’s not normal to want to make your partner jealous.
I find it cruel and unnecessary.
This is a sign that you are trying to get into a toxic relationship and this means that you haven’t healed from past trauma.
This could also signify that you didn’t get enough attention from your parents or you had to do something very negative to get their attention.
I know, because that was me.
I was an only child and my parents worked full-time jobs.
I lived in a country where I couldn’t step out of the house by myself and I had no friends.
So, I only had cartoons and video games for the company.
I would play pranks on my parents just to get their attention – it was wrong, and I understand that now.
But back then, I just wanted them to notice me.
So, I genuinely believed that if someone got jealous and possessive – it meant they cared.
That notion is false.
All it means is that they’re insecure and that they’ve not healed from their past trauma as well.
Know this: A person who is emotionally mature and knows what they want will not want to play mind games with you.
If you’re trying to make them jealous, they’ll see through you and immediately end the relationship.
They don’t have time for mind games.
They are either happily single or are looking for a serious relationship.
They don’t want the ups and downs of a toxic relationship.
So, if you ignore their calls, skip dates, or play the “maybe” card by constantly driving them to the edge and back, they are not going to play.
However, a person who is not healed and who plays with you will make sure that you have just that – an unstable, toxic relationship.
Your relationship will have highs and lows and it will be full of adventure and turmoil.
Because you will spend almost every waking minute trying to convince your partner that you’re not going to cheat.
There will be good days and bad days.
So, play this game with caution.
Is it necessary to be jealous in a relationship?
No, jealousy isn’t something to romanticize.
It basically means that the person you are dating doesn’t trust you. They don’t trust you to make good decisions, they don’t trust that you’ll be faithful and whenever you talk to someone, they’re thinking, “Are they going to cheat on me?”
The idea might sound nice for 2 minutes, but it gets tiring after a while.
I remember having to hide my conversations from my ex because he was so paranoid about who I spoke to.
I couldn’t talk to a single neighbor, I couldn’t call my family, and I couldn’t have a single friend.
It didn’t matter if it was a girl or a boy.
I spent 9 years in that relationship and at one point, I wished he would just never come home.
That’s how scared and suffocated I felt with him around me.
As you keep losing that freedom to talk to people, you stop respecting your partner and slowly, the love and passion you felt for your partner die.
You slowly end up losing your identity and you begin to question your very existence.
And because your partner becomes the only person you ever speak to, you don’t grow.
Your entire perception of the world remains stunted and blurry.
You now have no idea what’s right for you and even if you get an inkling, you have no courage to pursue it.
This is how a lot of people slowly force their partners to lose their identities – by being jealous, restrictive, and emotionally abusive.
They end up becoming forced to depend on their abusive partners and they cannot imagine a life being alone.
Jealousy isn’t romantic – it’s sadistic and twisted.
And absolutely nobody should tolerate that kind of behavior.
People should have the freedom to talk to whomever they want – it’s not wrong to express ideas, to communicate, to spend time with others.
We humans are social creatures and I honestly love going out for coffee with my friends.
I love interacting with my clients. I love playing board games with my partner and our friends.
People are important.
There is no need to feel jealous or insecure if you trust your partner and trust the relationship you’ve built together.
Why do I want my man to be jealous?
If you are feeling like you’re not seen or you feel like you need to make him jealous, there is something much deeper at play.
A lot of women grow up to believe that jealousy is proof of love – it’s not.
It’s only proof of deep insecurity.
When a man is insecure and unable to express his emotions healthily, he resorts to building up those negative feelings and controlling his partner.
This is not healthy.
It never was, and never is.
Know that this is toxic behavior – and remember, it does get worse if you encourage it.
If at all you do feel threatened or do feel the need to check on your partner and see who they’re talking to – leave the relationship.
It’s already over.
If there is no trust and you cannot trust your partner (let’s say they’ve given you a reason to not trust them), then leave.
You don’t need to be in a relationship where you cannot trust your partner. It’s not doing you any favors.
It doesn’t matter if you feel it’s their fault or yours – the relationship isn’t working.
A relationship can only succeed when both you and your partner trust each other.
And even if 1 person doesn’t have trust, it’s doomed to fail.
Here are some posts you may find helpful:
- 13 warning signs he thinks he owns you + what to do
- 17 signs he doesn’t value you + what to do
- 13 devastating things you should never forgive in a relationship
- How to forgive yourself after hurting someone you love
- My boyfriend is not my type physically – what do I do?
- How to look attractive after a breakup – everything I did
- 7 simple ways to take initiative and make the relationship better
- 7 easy ways to be more bold in a relationship