Last Updated on July 4, 2023 by Angela Vaz
First of all, let me say this: We cannot help who we are attracted to. Some people find tall people attractive, some people want short and chubby.
There is no wrong answer here.
It’s how you go about it and work with it that matters.
It’s coded into our DNA and the way our minds work – we cannot change who we are attracted to.
It’s often said that love has no bounds – but that’s far from the truth.
So, let’s say you find yourself in a situation where your boyfriend is not your type physically – meaning he doesn’t fit the mold of what you traditionally deem your “type.”
What do you do?
In this article, I’ll offer you some gentle guidance and approach this matter from every possible angle so you can take the best course of action based on what is right for you.
So, open your heart, and let’s dive in!
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1. Don’t panic
You aren’t alone.
Whether your partner is a girl or boy, this happens to a lot of people.
So don’t criticize yourself for thinking these thoughts.
Because like I said earlier, we are human.
We do take looks into account when choosing a partner for ourselves.
Let me just switch perspective here for a second and give you a tiny example.
Let’s say a boy is very attracted to a girl because of her looks. She also has a good personality and the two of them fall in love after many years of dating and eventually have a child.
Her body changes – she no longer has the body type he deems attractive.
Yes, a certain bit of that attraction that he had for her body is going to die down – there is no denying it.
But at the end of the day, he does have a choice.
He can choose to stay with her for the other qualities she brings to the relationship, or he can choose to leave because he doesn’t feel attracted to her anymore.
So, he needs to consider several factors before making a decision.
2. Reflect on your personal preferences
Before you enter a relationship, you need to make a list of the qualities you deem important and the things you refuse to compromise on.
For me, those would be:
- Emotionally Intelligent
- Respects and loves me for who I really am
- Good, strong personality
- Open mind – someone who listens, and weighs the pros and cons before acting
- Ambitious, has goals, and is actively pursuing them
I spent a lot of time looking for this person and I spent a lot of time being single.
If I met someone who didn’t tickmark any of these boxes, I ended it.
I met a lot of good-looking men – but they either didn’t have goals in life, or they weren’t emotionally intelligent or evolved.
So, the relationship would eventually run its course, because there was nothing to talk about.
I finally found a person that tick-marked all the boxes but physically he’s not my type.
He had tattoos and piercings, and overall – his body type did not match my preference.
I had to make a choice.
I chose him because I valued the other qualities and skills he brought into the relationship. They mattered more to me.
So you need to make a list of everything you want in a partner.
There is no wrong answer here.
Because at the end of the day, it’s your life.
You need to build a life with this person and if you aren’t attracted to this person and that is a huge priority for you, then you need to consider this.
Because if it’s bothering you now, it is going to bother you more in the future.
But I also urge you to reflect on what you find attractive and ask yourself why you find it so.
Question your beliefs.
For instance, if you want a guy who is 6″, is it because you’ve constantly been influenced by the media that it’s a desirable height?
Ask yourself these questions.
3. Communicate openly and honestly
It’s harder than it sounds – I know.
Being open to a partner about these negative thoughts can be very intimidating – because you’re scared you’ll hurt them.
But at the end of the day, no relationship can be built on lies.
You cannot force yourself to be attracted to someone.
But I am going to say this – be honest.
Be honest with yourself and your partner.
My current partner and I tell each other everything – we have those hard conversations.
Sometimes, it’s difficult, there’s an awkward silence, and we don’t know how to move forward but we keep talking. We keep telling each other how much we love each other but at the same time, we’re honest.
We’re honest about our expectations, we tell each other how we really feel.
I love this relationship more than anything I’ve had before.
Even though there are a few issues (every couple has them), this is the first time, I feel I am in a healthy relationship.
I feel I can talk about anything without being judged. I feel I can open up to my partner so much and we resolve every issue we have – together.
The more honest you are with your partner – the more you nurture that emotional connection.
This also proves that there is potential for growth and understanding – because you are building a strong foundation for your relationship.
4. Ask yourself if it’s something more that’s turning you off
My first ex was a very good-looking man.
He was someone almost everyone in my college fancied.
But he was physically abusive – I discovered that after being married to him.
My attraction to him died almost instantly when he chose to disrespect me verbally and physically.
He became physically repulsive to me. His impressive height and his build no longer turned me on.
I would freeze under his body and I’d close my eyes and pretend to be somewhere else.
I did eventually leave the relationship but I am sharing this with you because I want you to know that a lot of people find their partners unattractive due to other reasons that mold into physical looks.
So, my question to you is, is he treating you right?
Is he genuinely nice to you?
Is your physical repulsion trying to cover up something deeper?
5. Ask yourself why you chose him
Why exactly did you pick your boyfriend?
What prompted you to enter that relationship?
These questions are important – yes, they are hard. But you need to figure out what made you enter the relationship in the first place.
- Did he make you laugh?
- Did he bowl you over with his love for animals?
- Did he talk to you in a way nobody else did before?
Really spend some time thinking about what attracted you to him.
And once you’re done, weigh those against his looks.
Is it something you are willing to overlook because he brings so many other things to the table?
If this relationship is wonderful in every other way, then you need to ask yourself if you’re okay with him not being your type.
6. Ask yourself if physical looks make you happy
Yes, you may be sexually turned on by physical looks.
It may genuinely drive you.
But could you make do with that if the person had zero personality?
Let’s say they were physically your dream man, but everything else was a mess.
Let’s say they were emotionally immature, or unable to commit to you.
Could you still build a successful relationship with them?
7. Your type slowly evolves as you learn to love yourself
When I was younger, I was driven by good looks.
I’d crush on good-looking boys hard.
I believed that I needed to be beautiful too – I did all sorts of things to become “pretty.”
And because of this insecurity, I attracted a good-looking dude (my first ex) whose flaws I blatantly overlooked.
Those insecurities in me led me to choose someone who was equally insecure.
Only when I spent a good amount of time being single and loving myself – did I realize that there’s more to life than looks.
Don’t get me wrong.
I still fancy good looks (especially people with amazing hair)- I even point out good-looking people to my partner.
But I don’t crush on them like I used to.
I genuinely can’t even if I try.
I value emotional intelligence and wisdom so much more now. I value people who are kind and patient – I find those qualities undeniably attractive.
Attraction and love are 2 very different ballgames.
8. Give emotional chemistry a chance
I had a very strong emotional chemistry with my current partner.
We couldn’t stop talking.
I found him intriguing – he knew so much about data science, mathematics, physics, DC, and Marvel comics.
There was SO much to talk about.
I found that alluring.
With time, I began to fall deeper and deeper as we kept talking and discovering so much about each other.
Sometimes, that’s all you need to get started.
Spend some time getting to know your partner and see if it’s working. For some people, their type slowly evolves as they keep spending more and more time with the person they like.
9. Is he helping you grow?
I cannot imagine my life without my partner right now.
He helps me grow and become a better person.
We give each other space so we do work on our own goals and work. And this helps each of us evolve in very different ways.
Both of us work in different fields but we love talking to each other about work – we love bouncing ideas off of each other.
I’ve also been able to step out of my comfort zone. Prior to meeting him, I rarely traveled or socialized.
Now, my life has become so full. We host game nights, we take road trips, sometimes we plan an exotic vacation or we just take the dogs swimming at the pet resort.
So you need to ask yourself, has your life become full after your partner entered it?
Have they helped you open your mind and broaden your horizons?
Do you feel that your relationship with them and yourself have become more enriched, more full?
This is something you need to evaluate as well.
I understand your boyfriend is not your type physically – neither is mine.
I’ve chosen to stay with my partner because I genuinely believe love is a choice.
In my case, I love everything else he brings with him to this relationship and I love what we have.
I highly recommend talking to a therapist and even talking to close friends.
You will gain more insight if you still feel stuck.
Perhaps there are others who have been through similar situations like you – and hearing their stories will give you more clarity and perspective.
So, let go of preconceived notions, open your heart and truly consider all the possibilities before you decide to call it quits on your relationship.
I wish you all the best with your choice.
Here are some more posts you may find useful:
- No One Compares to Your Ex: Here’s What You Should Do
- My boyfriend never takes me out, what to do?
- 7 reasons why your boyfriend never buys you anything + what to do
- 13 signs he feels inferior to you + what to do
- My boyfriend likes a different body type – what to do?
- 7 ways to be more bold in a relationship
- 7 simple ways to take more initiative in the relationship