Last Updated on August 15, 2023 by Angela Vaz
I know the pain you feel.
I’ve been there.
I remember my chest hurting and bursting with pain and my eyes were swollen from crying so much.
I never saw the breakup coming.
It was a kind of emotional pain I couldn’t bear.
I had lost my mom to cancer, and I had been through a painful split before, but nothing compared to this breakup.
We had been so happy (or so I had thought) and the breakup quite literally came from nowhere.
I’ve been in 2 long relationships before my current one.
And both those relationships ended badly because I refused to pay attention to the red flags.
I was so in love that I chose to not look at all the red flags staring at me in the face.
So, when those relationships ended, I was quite taken back.
I won’t blame my partners – I chose them.
And I’ve dealt with the breakups and healed from them.
I eventually found love and I’m in a peaceful place – a happy place.
I love my partner and most of all the love and respect I have for him is mutual.
In this post, I want to talk about all the things you should NOT do after a breakup with a girl.
I want you to know that focusing on your healing is most important – you need to heal.
So, this post is geared towards healing from the breakup so that you can stop feeling that pain that is tearing you apart.
This post contains affiliate links, meaning I may make a commission at no extra cost to you if you decide to click on a link and purchase something. Click here to read the full disclaimer.
1. Don’t be a man and suppress your feelings
This whole “boys don’t cry” dialogue is total and utter bull.
Feel your feelings.
Do you know that the suicide rate is 3 times higher in men than in women? It’s a statistic I learned from Matt Haig’s book – Reasons to Stay Alive. I highly recommend you read that if you’ve been in depression or are suffering from it.
It’s one of the books I’ve read that has actually made sense because it’s written by someone who’s been through depression and made it.
I could relate to every word in that book.
My point is, women are more likely to reach out for help than men. Most men believe that talking about their feelings is a sign of weakness and try to suppress it.
This will only lead to more suffering because you are pushing your healing further away.
Feel your feelings.
Take a few days off work if the breakup is too painful and let it all out inside your house.
Talk to friends you trust, or your parents, or your close confidantes.
Cry into a pillow, scream – wallow in misery.
You need to let those feelings out.
You should not try to be a hero at this point.
This part of the breakup is the most painful – you’ll feel like your brain and heart is on fire. It’s not.
You’ll feel like you’re going to die from the pain – you won’t.
You will want to crumble into oblivion – it’s normal.
We’ve all been there and done that.
So, let out the pain and frustration – write in a diary, cry, meditate, sleep for 2-3 days in a row, walk or run, and find some ways to let it out.
2. Do not beg for another chance
I remember trying to rationalize with my ex, asking him why we could not make it work.
He ended it because his parents wouldn’t accept him dating a divorcee.
Right now, I have the common sense to realize that chasing a man who relies on his parents to make his decisions is a waste of time.
But back then, my common sense was out the window.
This is a fact: When you are hurting, your brain cannot make good decisions.
We make poor decisions when we are angry or sad.
So, right now you are hurting and you are vulnerable.
Here’s what you need to need to remember:
- The relationship is over.
- It doesn’t matter whether you ended it or she did – it ended for a reason.
- It doesn’t matter if you feel she made the wrong decision or nobody will love her as you do – the relationship is over.
- It doesn’t matter if she doesn’t know what she’s doing – the relationship is over.
- It doesn’t matter if the circumstances could have been different – right now, the relationship is over.
- It doesn’t matter if she’s playing games – all the more reason for the relationship to be over.
At the end of the day, if a relationship ends, it’s over.
If it was good, and things were perfect – it would not have ended.
I’ve personally experienced this – when a relationship ends, we cannot see the flaws. We only see the relationship through rose-tinted glasses. Everything seems perfect – but it’s a mirage.
If it was perfect, it wouldn’t have ended.
It ended because 1 of you was not getting your needs met.
Perhaps it was you, perhaps it was her or perhaps it was both of you.
But it ended and that’s okay.
Respect her decision if it was hers to break up.
Let it go.
Nobody owes you their life and you don’t owe your life to anyone.
3. Do not contact her at all
Unless the topic is crucial and you both share a kid together or a business together, close all lines of communication – especially if every communication leads to yelling, fighting or arguing.
If you are going through a divorce, then have a lawyer do all the communication.
Do not communicate with her personally.
Not only is it unhealthy, but it’s going to delay your healing.
Let it go.
You need to heal.
You cannot heal if you keep talking to her and keep communicating with her.
She may have been the love of your life (you’ll find another, trust me), or she may have been your best friend (you’ll make a new one).
But it’s over.
And you need to let it go.
4. Do not stalk her online
I understand that the pain is raw.
But you need to let her go completely.
It’s her choice if she wants to date immediately.
You do not know her story. Maybe she’s hurting, maybe she got over the relationship a long time ago well before the breakup.
You don’t know.
All you know is what she’s presented to you.
Once she’s broken up with you, she doesn’t owe you a thing.
You don’t owe her a thing either.
So, do not try to control her life by stalking her.
Do not do it.
I remember wanting so badly to check up on my ex – but I stopped myself from doing it.
The thought of him dating someone else pained me but I knew it was over.
You have to make peace with this breakup as hard as it is.
- Not checking her Instagram/Tiktok/Facebook etc.
- Not talking to her friends to see who she’s dating or what she’s up to
- Not going by her apartment to make sure she’s okay
- Not checking her status to see if she’s online
These are all signs of disrespect.
If you really loved her, you’ll respect the breakup and give her – her space.
Let it go.
Let her go.
It’s alright to block her on all social platforms.
You’re not doing it out of hate – you’re doing it to protect your mental health and to move on.
It’s not out of spite, it’s out of self-care.
I remember my ex asking me if he could be friends – I gently told him that won’t be possible.
I needed time and space to heal and I couldn’t do that if he was calling me and dropping by every day.
So, I opted for complete and total space from my ex.
I’ve not heard from him ever since the breakup and I’m glad. I’ve moved on and I am happy and thriving right now.
5. Don’t take revenge
Anger and hate are like drinking poison and expecting your enemy to die.
The longer you are mad about this, the longer you will delay your healing.
Forgive – not because it’s the right thing to do, but because you need peace of mind.
- I forgave my first ex for cheating on me for 2 whole years of our marriage and running off with another woman.
- I forgave my second ex for lying to me and breaking up with me because his parents said no.
- I forgave myself for making not-so-great choices and I was able to move on and find peace.
Forgiveness is the key to being happy and finding peace.
It might seem like cliche advice, but take it from me – anger doesn’t solve anything.
She may have betrayed or hurt you (I don’t know your story) and you may be in devastating pain.
This doesn’t mean you need to take revenge.
It is not going to bring back the relationship you lost.
That ship has sailed.
So, let it go.
6. Don’t compare yourself to her new partner
If you do find out that she’s dating again, do not go down that road of comparison.
Please don’t demonize relationships ending.
Just because the relationship ended between you both, doesn’t mean that you were at fault or you did something wrong.
It could mean a lot of things:
- She may have been scared of commitment
- She wanted different things
- Both of you may have evolved or changed
- Her needs and yours were no longer the same
- You both may have had different goals and values
- There may have been a lack of trust or understanding in the relationship
Either way, it’s okay for relationships to come to an end.
Although you cannot change the past, you can learn from it.
Try to look at the relationship from an unbiased perspective and see what went wrong.
Look for things that were within your control and note them down.
See what you can change the next time you enter a relationship with someone.
Read this post if you can’t stand the thought of her with someone else.
7. Don’t stop seeing your role in society
If you feel like your whole world came crashing down after the breakup – something is wrong here.
Your girlfriend/wife should not be your whole world – that’s very unhealthy.
You are so much more than your relationship – please realize that.
- Your parents
- Your siblings
- Your friends
- Your loved ones
- Your hobbies
- Your work
- Your goals and values
- Your dreams and aspirations
Your world is full of beautiful things and people and yes, it can be shattering when you lose your relationship with your partner – but it’s not the end.
There is so much in this world to live for.
And although you cannot see it now, I implore you to try.
Make a list of things you genuinely love.
It can be as simple as a cup of coffee you drink in the morning.
Note down the role you play (other than a partner).
You’re a good son, a good friend, a good brother, a good teacher, a good neighbor – there are so many roles you play other than a partner – and you need to see that.
8. Do not lose interest in your work
I remember not wanting to write or draw after my breakup.
I do believe that it’s normal to lose interest in things for a while.
Your identity was merged with another human being – you had dreams, you built a vision of a future together – it’s all torn apart now.
I can understand how devastating it is.
But you have to remember that there is so much more to do in this world.
Your work should drive you.
You can even use it to distract you for a bit.
But more than anything, use your work to get back to reality.
I remember realizing how important writing and drawing were to my sanity – they allowed me to be creative.
And when I sat down to write after crying my eyes out for weeks, I found it easier to write.
The words just flowed.
I had deprived myself of writing for so long that my head was filled with words that just wanted some sort of release.
So, work – do something that instills that passion within and makes your heart sing.
9. Do not stop working on your hobby
There are many cons to a breakup.
You lose the person you loved.
You lose interest to talk to people or work.
But one of the biggest pros is – you now have the time to do absolutely anything you want.
You want to paint? Paint.
You’ve always wanted to start a business? Start a business.
You’ve always wanted to learn to swim? Do it now.
Stop putting things off – you now have 1 less reason to procrastinate.
Use this opportunity to rediscover the thing you love.
I rediscovered drawing.
I rediscovered music.
I learned to play the piano.
I started learning French.
I started reading more than I already was.
I now had more time to play with my dogs.
I rediscovered cooking and fell in love with food again.
Your life isn’t over.
It’s just the beginning of a new chapter.
10. Don’t sit in isolation
I remember constantly wanting to be in my bedroom and wallowing in misery and self-pity.
I imagined that nobody had loved like I did and I forced myself to believe that I was alone in my pain.
No, I wasn’t.
I was just being overly dramatic.
Look, breakups happen.
The people who often give the best relationship advice have loved and lost.
I know people who have loved with all of their hearts and lost. But they pick themselves up and move on.
You have to move on.
This means understanding you are not alone in your pain.
Do not close yourself to other people.
Talk to people.
Even if you don’t feel like it.
Sit with your friends, your family and just listen.
Maybe you might not feel like participating – that’s okay.
Just don’t sit within your four walls and allow yourself to brood – that’s not going to help you get better.
I remember sitting in the dog park and talking to dog owners about their dogs – it gave me relief.
I remember joining an improv class and just playing word games – it gave me something else to think about.
You need a little distraction from the pain you’re going through.
And it’s okay to mix with people and just listen to what they’re saying.
Join a book club.
Join a bike club.
Go to a restaurant.
Go to a movie.
Just get out there.
Even if you don’t feel like it – this will help you heal so much faster.
11. Don’t booze or do drugs
I know, it sucks.
But any addiction is a bandaid.
You can shop all you want, it’s not going to change the breakup.
You can drink and do weed, or whatever it is you feel will help – it is only going to be a temporary coverup for a wound that’s really deep.
These things mask the pain for a bit before it becomes very uncomfortable.
I know, because I drank, consumed junk food and I shopped.
I believed it would heal me.
It definitely gave me temporary satisfaction – but it didn’t heal me.
It just made the pain so much more real and deep later.
I realized that the only way to heal was to feel my feelings.
You’re not going to like these feelings and memories that come up – but let it come.
You’re newly single – your brain is not used to it.
It’s suffering from withdrawal – so it’s going to replay all the positive memories of you and your girl till you’re sick of it.
Let it happen.
And let them play.
Ride through this pain – this period is going to be uncomfortable for just a little while longer – it will get better, I promise.
12. Don’t chase closure
Sometimes, we get closure.
Sometimes, we don’t.
In my case, I knew the reason but I wanted to hear it from his mouth – he absolutely denied it.
He made up a story about how he saw a vision that he was meant for someone else. But I knew it was horsecrap.
I didn’t get closure.
And here’s the fact: Closure is a myth.
You are looking for an answer that doesn’t exist.
Nobody can predict why a relationship ends – sometimes it’s inevitable but most times, things aren’t that simple.
We cannot make everything black and white.
All you know is that it’s over.
The relationship has come to a close.
You have to let it go.
You have to somehow come to a place of acceptance.
13. Don’t dismiss women
I know you’ve been hurt.
I know a guy who firmly believes that all women cheat.
He attracts women who only cheat.
It’s not some weird voodoo science – you get what you put out there.
When you put out negative energy, you get just that.
For instance, I was very insecure about my skin and my personality when I started dating.
I attracted a man who fed on that insecurity.
He played with it – he was a textbook narcissist.
Every time he sensed I was going to talk to someone (male or female), he’d threaten me with a breakup.
I should have walked away but because I was so insecure, I gave in.
I gave in till he was happy – this meant I was unhappy because I was not allowed to talk to anyone, including my mom.
I’d call her when he was asleep because that’s how unhappy he was when I spoke to someone or gave someone else my attention.
Needless to say that my relationship with him was crap from the start.
So, when I found out he was cheating on me, I shouldn’t have been surprised.
However, I knew that good men did exist.
I just made bad decisions and chose someone that wasn’t right for me.
If at all, you’re in this place where you feel your woman betrayed you or upset you, please don’t believe all women are trash.
There are good women out there who are looking for decent, kind men to spend their lives with.
Have hope and:
- Know what you really want
- Increase your filters – don’t put up with women who are using you or treating you with zero respect
- Learn to walk away from women who show you that they’re not who you’re looking for
- Give people a chance
The more you love yourself, the less desperate you will become to fill that hole inside of you.
When you love yourself, you become very picky with who you date.
You start dating good women.
When I healed, and spent enough time single, I started meeting nice, intelligent, and kind men.
My entire world changed when I changed myself.
So, don’t dismiss women – change yourself and you’ll start attracting a whole new set of people.
14. Don’t date till you’ve healed
You know those first dates with people who constantly talk about their exes and cry or scream or lament about they’re so lonesome and they can’t meet a decent person?
Yeah… don’t be those people.
Let it go.
It’s very important for you to realize that the person you dated is human.
She made mistakes.
She did the best with what she had.
She made decisions with the resources she had.
So, let it go.
And move on.
Heal – focus on loving yourself and showing yourself the kindness you showed everybody else.
Love yourself – really love yourself.
And when you date – be light.
Don’t dump your emotional baggage on someone else – they don’t deserve that.
Show them kindness, positivity, and love.
That’s how I found love.
I cried, I healed, and I learned from my mistakes, I opened my heart again and I met my current partner – he’s a gem.
He loves me and respects me and we share a passion to learn new things and explore the world.
Your next relationship should be peaceful and full of love and respect.
15. Don’t close your heart to love
It’s so tempting to lock our hearts away in a box when we’ve been harmed.
It’s the easy way out.
But know this, you haven’t lost.
Just because you loved someone and it didn’t work out – doesn’t mean the relationship was a waste.
The person you were with just wasn’t the right person – that’s all there is to it.
This doesn’t mean that you should stop trying completely.
Take what you’ve learned from the last relationship and become a better version of yourself.
If you want to be single, that’s fine.
If you want to be in a relationship, that’s fine too.
Take it one day at a time.
But don’t close your heart to love.
I’ve made such amazing friends after my breakup – friends who constantly check in on me and actually visit me when they’re in town.
Nurture the relationships you have with people.
Build them – you’ve lost 1 person, not everyone.
And try to see that there’s love everywhere you look.
It’s in the sun that hits your face in the morning.
It’s in your dog’s eyes when she looks at you with unconditional love.
It’s in your book that you can feel with your hands.
It’s in your warm cup of coffee that wakes you up and gives you such an amazing, rich feeling.
It’s in your friend when they say, “You doing okay?”
Love is everywhere.
You just need to look.
I can honestly say that those 2 breakups have been life-changing for me.
I wouldn’t want to go back in time and undo them because I’d never be who I am right now without them.
I learned to be kinder, more patient, and more gentle.
I learned to become a better friend, a better daughter, and a better partner.
Those 2 breakups helped me start this blog – which has helped countless people recover from their breakups and learn to love themselves again.
So, I implore you – to take courage.
The next few weeks will be hard on you (there’s no sugarcoating that), but you will emerge, stronger and better than before.
Here are a few more posts that will help:
- [My Honest Opinion] Why Do Good Things Happen to Bad People?
- 17 Crystal Clear Signs You Will Never Find Love + How to Fix It
- No One Compares to Your Ex: Here’s What You Should Do
- Finding Peace: How to Stop Thinking About Someone Who Hurt You
- How to Give Yourself Grace (When You Feel Low)
- How to Glow Up After a Breakup – Here’s Everything I Did
- Can’t Stand the Thought of Her With Someone Else – What to Do
- 7 Reasons Why Your Ex Blocked You Out of Nowhere + What to Do
- 11 Warm and Comforting Books to Read During Difficult Times
- Your Ex-Girlfriend is Happy with Someone Else – What to do?