Last Updated on August 15, 2023 by Angela Vaz
You either got out of an extremely devastating relationship.
Or you’ve not had good luck dating.
Either way, you know that you want a relationship.
You’re craving to be in a committed relationship.
And for some reason, everyone around you can find that, except you.
And is it some weird conspiracy that you’re not finding love?
My name is Angela, I’d been looking for love for a long time. And I knew that this was something I’d wanted ever since I could grasp the concept of love.
My idea of love was sort of skewed from watching too many Disney movies and Rom-Coms.
I entered a relationship at the age of 17 that deteriorated my life in every way for nearly 10 years.
When I discovered my partner was cheating on me, I had to start from square one.
I found love again and then my partner broke up with me.
I thought I was going to be alone forever this time.
So, I know how you feel.
I’ve found love yet again and this time things are different. We love and respect one another immensely.
We are compatible and want the same things in life.
I can finally say, that I know for certain, I’ve found what I’ve been looking for.
How do I know?
Because I reached some level of emotional maturity before looking for love again. I also did a lot of other things.
And I want to help you find love.
If you can fix whatever thinking pattern has forced you to believe that you will never find love, I know you’ll find it.
You just need to know what to fix and how to move forward.
So, in this post, I’m going to talk about signs you will never find love and how you can fix that!
I’m also going to answer some questions I get asked a lot at the bottom of the post and leave multiple links to posts similar to these, so check those out too.
This post contains affiliate links, meaning I may make a commission at no extra cost to you if you decide to click on a link and purchase something. Click here to read the full disclaimer.
17 Signs you will never find love + How to change that
1. You believe that everyone is a jerk
If you are a straight woman, and you keep saying, “All men are jerks. All men cheat.” there is a strong likelihood that you will continue to meet men who cheat and are jerks to you.
Because this is a theory that has been tested by experts.
If I tell you, “Don’t think of a pink elephant.”
You are going to think of the pink elephant.
Your brain has already conjured up the image, right?
That’s how we work as human beings.
This is also why when we want kids to eat at the table, we don’t tell them, “Don’t eat on the couch.” we tell them, “Eat at the table.”
Basically, your brain will steer you toward the obstacle you are trying to avoid if you keep thinking about it.
You need to change your perspective.
Yes, the first man I ever loved cheated on me.
He was a serial cheater, I later discovered.
And that could have severely damaged my image of men in general.
When I’d tell family and friends, a lot of them would say, “All men are cheaters.”
But this is such a wrong notion to go by.
- Just because some men cheat, doesn’t mean all do.
- Just because some women use men financially, doesn’t mean all do.
- Just because some people take advantage of people, doesn’t mean all do.
So, stop with that line of thinking.
If you really want to find love, believe that there are good people out there who are also looking for a relationship.
Changing your line of thinking is not going to hurt you.
2. You want a person to fall into your lap
I know many people who choose not to date.
They believe the right person will come along when the timing is right.
Please put this out of your head, “There is no such thing as fate as destiny.”
You reap what you sow.
I had to date and I had to fish around the pond of men to find the man I am with today.
He didn’t just fall into my lap.
Yes, things have changed.
People do a lot of online dating.
But you need to put in the work.
Take breaks when it gets overwhelming – nobody is telling you to go out every single night on a date.
That’s not practical.
But be open to meeting people.
Keep your heart open.
Talk to people.
Don’t just expect to meet the love of your life on the subway or in a Mcdonald’s.
That’s not going to happen.
3. You aren’t over your ex
If you cannot picture your ex with someone else, you can’t move on.
No matter what your ex did to you or how perfect you believe they were, they deserve happiness.
My second ex broke up with me and I knew I could never move on until I was okay with him being with someone else.
If that thought scars you, burns you, or drives you over the edge – you aren’t ready to move on.
You cannot find love if you’re hung up over your ex.
You need to understand that the relationship ended for a reason.
One of you wasn’t getting your needs met.
Maybe you loved each other, or maybe you both had dreams and goals. But for some reason, something wasn’t right.
If it was, then the relationship wouldn’t have ended – it’s as simple as that.
So, get over your ex and that heartbreak – take your time to recover and heal.
And once that happens, you will find love.
4. You are expecting a lot of chemistry
This is something not many people know, but love isn’t like in the movies.
There isn’t always a click.
If you are dating, and the first date is full of chemistry, it may not mean that this person is right for you.
It may simply mean that the person you are seeing has a lot of experience dating or is a player.
I learned this the hard way.
In either case, these people date a lot so they know exactly what to say to make you feel that rush of excitement.
Most first dates are very awkward.
If the person you are seeing stutters a lot, or is a little shy – that’s alright.
Give them a chance to open up.
Talk to them, get to know them, and learn what makes them tick.
You have to give people a chance in order to find love.
If after 1-2 dates, you aren’t feeling like you’re vibing, you can always send a polite message saying, “I’m sorry, but I don’t think this is working out. I am glad to have met you and I wish you do find what you’re looking for.”
And you can go about your separate ways.
There is no hard and fast rule that you have to marry the person you go on a date with.
5. You have closed yourself off emotionally
I have a female friend who has had very bad relationships with the opposite sex.
She was also sexually abused as a child so unhealed childhood trauma has led her to close herself off emotionally.
Her defenses are up – all the time with men.
And this means that she never lowers them down when she’s talking to someone.
She assumes the worst of them always.
She does go on dates, but those dates never lead to 2nd dates.
If you are closed off emotionally and are unwilling to open up to new people, you have to deal with those feelings.
Please talk to a therapist or counselor – and work through those feelings so that you can heal.
6. You have a fear of commitment
If you have a fear of commitment, it is going to be difficult for you to find love.
You have 2 options:
- Constantly lay your cards on the table and tell the person you’re dating that you’re looking for nothing serious and you only want a casual relationship
- Work through the issues that have caused this fear of commitment and take time to heal before you date again.
There is no right or wrong choice.
This is your life and your decision.
Plenty of people are happy with casual relationships because that’s what suits them.
A lot of people also make polyamorous relationships work.
You have to do what suits you best.
8. You have had a history of toxic relationships
After my second relationship ended and my ex left me, I started seeing a pattern.
- Both of my relationships were long
- Both of them ended with my partners leaving because they wanted more but at the same time, they didn’t know what they wanted.
- Both partners were insecure and emotionally unavailable
This meant I was attracting insecure and emotionally unavailable men.
I knew that I had to fix myself in order to actually find love.
If every single relationship you have been in has ended badly, there is a chance that you need to work on some issues.
You are attracting people that are replicating your energy.
When you are insecure, you may attract an insecure and narcissistic person that will feed on your insecurity.
It’s what happens.
And if you want to attract a stable, happy, decisive person – you need to become just that.
If you are happy, confident, and extremely secure, that’s the kind of energy you will attract.
I worked on myself for a long time before I dated again, and I ended up finding a lovely human being who loves and respects me for who I am.
9. You constantly compare potential partners to a past love
Here are a few things you need to keep in mind:
- Every single relationship is different
- Everyone’s needs change and evolve.
- You are no longer the same person you were 6 months or 1 year ago.
So, comparing relationships constantly is not healthy.
It’s alright to note the changes and see how far you’ve come or how far your relationships have come – but constantly finding fault with your new partners because they don’t live up to past expectations is going to delay you finding love.
10. You fear rejection
Please note that there is nothing wrong with putting your heart out there and then being rejected.
Every single person gets rejected – not because there is something wrong with them, but mainly because everyone has different likes and needs.
Everyone is entitled to have their own needs and wants.
If you meet someone and they have wants and needs very different from yours, it’s okay for them to pass you on and tell you that they’re looking for something different.
It has nothing to do with you as a person – you don’t need to change.
Likewise, if you meet someone who isn’t what you’re looking for, you can pass them on too.
That’s what dating is all about.
You aren’t going there to fix a marriage – dating is data collection.
You need to put yourself out there and be okay with rejection.
It’s completely normal and alright.
11. You have difficulty trusting people
If you have a lot of trouble testing people, chances are you have unhealed childhood trauma or issues from your past that you aren’t over.
Sort out those issues.
You have to realize that trust is something that is built slowly.
That is why people date for a long time before coming to a decision.
Relationships are built over time.
It’s like you take off one layer and then your partner does the same. And then you take off another and your partner does the same.
You ask each other questions and you figure out each other’s idiosyncrasies.
It’s alright to take time to trust the person you’re dating.
But if you find yourself second-guessing everything they are doing and you are riddled with anxiety that they’re going to cheat or betray you – this isn’t okay.
Get that sorted by going to a therapist and understanding why you feel everyone is going to betray you or cheat on you.
Get to the root of that problem.
12. You have very unrealistic expectations of love
When you’re looking for love, you should not settle.
But at the same time, you need to be practical.
Please note that you and your future partner are going to have differences in opinions and values.
But at the same time, you have to be ready to talk about it and resolve it peacefully.
My partner and I don’t agree on quite a few things.
They aren’t critical things, but there are times when we need to sit down and talk about them.
That’s what being in a relationship is all about.
Somedays, I don’t feel like stepping out and he wants to get out of the house.
So, we sit down and talk about it.
We’ll look at the past 5-7 events. Did he constantly sit in with me and give in to my whimsies? In that case, I’ll put on my coat and head out the door with him – even if it means sitting in the car for the next 45 minutes.
The whole point of being in a relationship is stepping out of your comfort zone every once in a while – this is how you grow.
13. You don’t know what you want
Please write down what you are looking for in a partner.
In my case, I wanted someone who was:
- Kind, honest, and intelligent
- Knew what he wanted in a partner so there was no dilly-dallying
- Was extremely independent
- Loved animals just as much as I did
And the list went on.
I was very particular about most of the items on the list and I held on to the list till I found someone who ticked all the boxes.
For instance, if you want kids – don’t compromise and date someone who hates kids.
Don’t expect that person to change for you – that’s going to lead to so much disappointment.
If you want someone who loves traveling, don’t date a person who hates leaving the house. Find someone who loves to travel and whose job isn’t dependent on them staying put.
Know what you want.
Don’t be shy to say no to someone who isn’t what you’re entirely looking for – yes, this does mean waiting for longer, but it will work for the best.
14. You have standards that are too hard to meet
You definitely need to know what you want and not be ready to compromise on those standards – we just discussed that.
But at the same time, the hoops shouldn’t be so high, that absolutely no one can attain them.
Here are some standards that are extremely unattainable:
- The guy I want must be 6 feet, 4 inches tall
- He must be able to afford a Lamborghini
- He must accept me for who I am – a single mother of 3 kids
- He should be kind, loyal, affectionate, and able to fulfill my physical needs 5 times a day
- He should listen to me no matter what I say and always be available.
I’m not saying that such a guy doesn’t exist.
I’m just saying, by writing down these standards, you’re probably looking at 5 people in the world who can meet them.
And perhaps these 5 people are not even over the age of 21.
Have standards, but at the same time, let them be reasonable.
15. You are a people-pleaser
This particular quality is something I’ve had to struggle with for a long time.
Both my parents had full-time jobs growing up and I was an only child.
So, I did everything possible to make sure people “liked” me including doing favors for absolutely anyone and going well and beyond my means to make people happy.
Let’s just say, this habit didn’t bore well for me in my relationships.
Because I was a people-pleaser, I never drew boundaries and I became exceedingly clingy.
I would push my dreams to the corner every time my partner asked me to accommodate his dreams.
And of course, it led to me feeling unsatisfied and unhappy – but I never connected the dots.
The reason I’m telling you all of this is that a lot of people think that people-pleasing doesn’t affect them much, but it does.
You need to love yourself first.
When you do, a lot of things fall into place.
- You learn to draw healthy boundaries with parents, siblings, friends, colleagues, and even your partner.
- You learn to not compromise on your happiness and do what you can, without taking away from your peace.
- You become happy, so you start paying it forward.
Now, both my partner and I are happy.
We say yes to the things we really want to do while at the same time, we are kind to each other.
16. You struggle with communication
You need to understand this, nobody you meet will have the same upbringing as you.
Everybody was raised in different environments, with different sets of parents, and has totally different struggles from you.
What you feel might be common sense, might not be.
Nobody can read your mind.
And if you constantly take offense or you feel people don’t get you, chances are you just aren’t telling them how you feel.
In my previous relationships, I had partners who always expected me to understand how they felt.
But I couldn’t, not because I didn’t try, but because they never told me.
They just expected me to know.
If you feel that communication is not your strong suit and your communication in relationships is generally toxic, improve it:
- Practice listening more: You cannot become a good communicator without listening actively. Pay attention to what the other person is saying without interrupting or judging.
- Express yourself clearly and gently: Do not fly off the handle if you are upset. Learn to be clear when you talk. Use “I” statements instead of deflecting everything toward your partner. For instance, say things like, “I feel like I’m not being heard.” instead of, “You never pay attention to me.”
- Be honest. This requires a level of trust. Once you learn to trust your partner, become more vulnerable and honest with them. Don’t sugarcoat things or hold back – tell them how you really feel.
- Always be respectful: Don’t resort to name-calling, hitting, or walking away. Use a nice tone of voice, and be respectful.
- Take responsibility: It’s not easy to accept mistakes, but in a relationship, there is a give and take. Avoid being defensive or aggressive even if you are hurt.
- Practice empathy: Always put yourself in your partner’s shoes – this will help you better understand their needs and wants.
- Communicate often: Don’t let things pile up. If there is an issue, try to resolve it as quickly as you can in a gentle and kind manner. Do not let it pile up for weeks or months.
Of course, good communication takes months or years to practice but this skill is what makes or breaks relationships.
17. You feel being single means you’re not worthy of love
I’m here to remind you, that being single isn’t reflective of your worth.
Your relationship status has nothing to do with how much respect you deserve or how much love you deserve.
It simply means that you haven’t found the right person yet.
If you are struggling with singleness, read this post.
Please understand that there is nothing wrong with being single.
And throughout our lives, we will find ourselves single at some point.
- Your partner may die, like how my dad lost my mom to cancer
- You may go through a breakup because both of you were not getting your needs met
- You may just have never been interested in a relationship until now
- You may have not found the right person
- You had other commitments so you had no time for a relationship
No matter what the reason, it’s totally alright.
It’s okay to be single at any age.
So, don’t feel bad about it.
Embrace being single, even if you want a relationship because you cannot force love and you don’t know when you’re going to find it.
Know that it will happen when you meet a good person who fulfills all your needs.
It will happen.
What are you most likely to meet your soulmate?
There is no such thing as a soulmate.
You will meet many wonderful people in your lifetime, and let’s say you lose the person you call your soulmate.
You will meet more.
A lot of people lose their spouses to death, but they do find love again.
Do not put this unnecessary pressure on yourself to find a soulmate.
I believed in soulmates when I was young because it’s a fantasy that sells.
Every romance book and movie thrives on the idea and convinces people that they need to find their soulmates before they’re 30.
But that’s just what it is – fiction.
In reality, you will find a beautiful partner at just about any age.
You may meet them at 17, 38, or 64.
You never know what the future holds.
Keep your heart open and your mind curious – you’re going to love this next phase of your life.
Will I never find the love of my life?
You will, provided you keep an open mind and actually believe in love.
Additionally, you need to:
- Work on yourself so that you can be a better person and partner to your future partner.
- Improve your communication skills
- Go out and date
- Know what you want so you can filter out the people that don’t match your needs
- Have goals and be confident and passionate
- Be in love with your life so that you attract someone who loves their life too
- Be okay with being single, that’s when you know you’re living a good life
You will meet many wonderful people in your life, and you will build very beautiful relationships, you just need to not set a timer for yourself and let it happen naturally.
Is it normal to worry about never finding love?
Yes, when I went through a painful divorce at the age of 28, I started worrying.
I could see all my friends marrying and starting a family, and I felt left behind.
My confidence took a major blow.
It took me some time to accept being single and fall in love with my life.
I realized that I needed to stop comparing.
A lot of women had put their work on the sidelines to focus on their relationships and children.
I, on the other hand, could go anywhere and start new projects and new side hustles.
No matter what the situation, there is always a silver lining.
I knew that a relationship is something I’d always wanted but worrying was not going to help me find love faster.
Focus on things you can control, and let go of the things you cannot.
Remind yourself that as long as you are working on improving yourself and putting yourself out there, you will find love eventually.
Here are some posts that you may like reading:
- Will I find someone better than my ex?
- Will I find love again? I lost the love of my life.
- I thought he was the one, what I did after losing him
- Can’t stand the thought of her with someone else? Read this
- How to get over extreme emotional pain and let go
- How to prepare yourself for a relationship and find love
- I miss my ex so much it hurts, what do I do?
- How to get over heartbreak when you still love your ex
- No one compares to your ex, what to do?
- Struggling with singleness? Read this
- The dating advice for single women I followed to find love