Last Updated on December 11, 2022 by Angela Vaz

Your boyfriend has been acting weird lately.

You are suspicious that he is not being honest with you.

And he is behaving like he has something to hide.

You want to confront him but you don’t feel right doing it – what if you’re wrong?

That is why in this post, I am going to cover clear signs he is talking to his ex.

And I will also advise you on what to do in case you are noticing most of these signs.

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Before I get into the signs, I’m going to answer the bigger question:

Is it okay for a guy to talk to his ex?

There is no straightforward answer. It actually depends on various factors:

1. Their relationship ended well

their relationship ended well

If both of them have made peace with their breakup and their breakup isn’t recent, then both of them know that they are not right for each other and they are okay with being friends.

There is nothing wrong if both your boyfriend and his ex are mature about it and are clear that a relationship between them is not going to be possible.

There is no harm in being friends if that is the issue.

2. They share something in common

If both of them have a child together or a business or both, then yes, they need to talk and communicate frequently because they have to discuss multiple things.

It’s perfectly okay in this case too for them to talk.

3. They are okay with the other moving on

there are okay with the other moving on

At the end of the day, both your boyfriend and his ex should be okay with the other person moving on.

If you sense no animosity coming from his ex or him and things between them are casual, there is no reason to worry.

4. He is very honest about his communication with her

If he always tells you when he is talking to her and he is very forthcoming with his conversations, you honestly have found a very good and honest man.

I honestly do feel that a man can be friends with any woman, but it all depends on:

  • What kind of relationship do you have with him
  • How much trust you both have in each other
  • What kind of person he is
  • What kind of beliefs he has
  • What type of company he chooses to keep while you’re in his life

These factors vary for every relationship, that’s why there is no straight answer.

My fiance was very honest and would tell me whenever his ex contacted him. I wasn’t worried in the least because I knew it was over on his end and he had no intention of getting back together with her.

However, if their relationship or breakup was messy, and he is behaving weirdly and not really telling you things or you feel he is hiding something, then read further.

23 clear signs he’s talking to his ex

1. You feel he is very distant of late

Is he behaving very distant with you?

Maybe he isn’t talking to you as much or just keeping you at arm’s length?

Maybe you feel like the communication has died down a lot and it’s not at all like it was before.

In this case, I suggest talking to him only about the distance between you both and asking him if something is troubling him.

2. He is spending more time on devices

he is always on the phone

When my ex-husband was cheating on me, he was spending a lot of time on his phone and laptop.

He would also turn his screen away when I would pass him by and it was weird because I was never bothered to look at his screen.

Whenever I asked, he told me that he was reading inside jokes between himself and his friends.

I just chose to ignore the signs because I was daft at the time.

If you notice that your significant other is spending a lot of time on the phone or laptop and especially before going to bed, this is a sign that he is doing something shady.

Especially if he has the volume on mute and he is always smiling at his phone.

These are some signs to pay attention to.

3. He always has work

If he is saying that he always has work but you rarely find him working or working quietly on “unknown projects”, this is also a sign that he might be talking to his ex or cheating on you.

Cheating doesn’t always have to be physical.

It can be an emotional affair – that’s how most affairs start.

My ex would tell me that he was going out to work and when I would ask him for what, he’d draw a blank or make up a very poor excuse.

4. He is more secretive

he is secretive

This is honestly one of the biggest signs he’s talking to his ex or cheating on you.

If you feel your relationship has changed and he has indeed become more secretive or is no longer being open with you – chances are he is having an affair.

Pay attention to his behavior.

Does he make any attempt to talk to you about his day or about his life?

Is he always saying he doesn’t have time and is constantly hiding things from you or walking away from you when he is on the phone?

5. They accuse you of talking to your ex or talking to people

My ex was abusive.

And he always accused me of talking to men.

It was one of the reasons I always worked with women clients and only talked to women because I couldn’t keep male company of any kind.

If your boyfriend or S/O is constantly accusing you of cheating or always doubts your intentions even when you’ve given him no reason to doubt you – chances are he is simply projecting his cheating on you.

6. They start going out of the way to look good

he wants to look good suddenly

My ex started hitting the gym every day and I found it unusual.

He would talk about getting a hair transplant and he’d started shopping for more clothes and shoes.

He worked from home, so I couldn’t understand what he wanted to dress up for.

If you notice that your boyfriend is suddenly conscious of his looks and is doing everything he can to “look better” then there is a chance that you’re not the only woman in his life.

7. He is suddenly shaving down there

Another very important sign to note is if he suddenly started shaving down there or is worried about his pubic region.

If intercourse between you both is the same and hasn’t changed but he is making a lot of attempts to groom himself, then this is a very big sign that he may not be doing it for you.

8. He talks about his ex unprompted

he talks about his ex often

If his relationship with her was very long and painful, it’s normal to bring up an ex once in a while.

But if you find that he is always talking about his ex and constantly talking about her in a pleasant way or praising her, chances are there is something more to her than just friendship.

9. He doesn’t want to spend time doing the things you love

If he is suddenly very withdrawn and is always making excuses to not spend time with you – this is a bad sign.

Let’s say you both enjoyed playing Battleship together, but of late he keeps turning you down.

He says he’s bored and doesn’t make an attempt to suggest an alternate activity but just says he’s tired or wants to be on his phone.

There is a high likelihood that he is talking to someone else.

10. He regrets the breakup

he regrets the breakup

If he ever talks about the way he regrets the breakup with his ex or getting into a relationship with you too quickly, then there is a high chance that he is just not happy in this relationship with you.

Maybe he is regretting everything or is really reminiscent of his relationship with her.

11. He brings up old conversations and jokes that only they shared

Does he talk about old jokes they used to share?

Or old conversations?

Maybe he recollects something she used to say and he laughs about it?

If this is contradicting his behavior around her and normally talks about her very stiffly, then something is off.

When people have feelings for someone, their behavior is not consistent.

Maybe when you’re around her, he only says hello or greets her stiffly.

But when she’s not around, he talks about her a lot or talks about their conversations in detail.

12. He changes his profile picture to something anonymous and so does she

When people are cheating, they don’t want the person’s thumbnail to pop up when they send them a message.

So, they’ll usually change their own display picture to protect the other person from getting caught with their partners.

My ex did this and so did the woman he was sleeping with.

She too was married and they changed their display pictures because they didn’t want to get caught.

This is a very small sign but it is a sign nonetheless.

13. He is very distant physically

he is very distant physically

If you’ve begun to notice that he is behaving very distant and coldly with you in bed, then this is a sign that he has lost interest or he is very close to her.

This is one of the biggest signs that your relationship is in trouble.

14. Their body odor has changed

I have a very sharp sense of smell.

During the last 2 years of my marriage with my ex, his body odor changed drastically.

He would sleep with different women and he would smell different when he got home.

He made the excuse that he was sitting with his friends but the odor change was noticeable and I knew something was wrong.

Like I said earlier, these are all small signs, but if you notice way too many signs, it may not be a coincidence.

15. He is showing an interest in activities he enjoyed with this ex

This is pretty self-explanatory.

If he is no longer displaying any interest in activities that he used to enjoy with you but starts showing a keen interest in activities that he enjoyed with her, it is a sign that he may be in contact with his ex.

16. More of his plans don’t include you

If you start to notice that more and more of his plans don’t include you and he is always looking very happy or his mood is up after he comes home, chances are he is having an affair or meeting his ex.

17. He talks about his ex in a positive way

he talks about his ex in a positive way

He is constantly praising his ex and talking about her in a positive light.

It’s almost as if he is talking about the one that got away.

And it starts to make you feel like you are not enough.

When a man is falling in love with his ex, you will start to disappear completely or not be able to compare with his ex.

This is a huge sign he’s talking to his ex.

18. He criticizes you for small things

I remember my ex criticizing me for everything.

But one of the most absurd points was when he criticized my sense of dressing.

He said, “Why do you never wear Indian traditional outfits? You always behave so western!”

I was born and brought up abroad and I’d never worn Indian outfits while dating him for 5 years.

So after 8 years of being together, I found it odd that he brought up such a peculiarity.

If you notice that he picks on you for the smallest of things and is constantly irritated or mad at you, chances are he is having an affair or is falling in love with someone else.

19. He takes phone calls far away from you

he takes his phone calls far away from you

Is he always on the phone texting or talking to someone?

But he always takes the calls in another room or outside the house and gives poor excuses like:

  • I don’t want to disturb you.
  • I’m not getting a good signal
  • I know I’m too loud
  • I just wanted to have some privacy

If you notice these calls are getting more frequent with time, then there is a chance that he’s talking to his ex.

20. He doesn’t like you speaking ill of her

If you point out a flaw or point out something negative about his ex, he won’t be able to admit it with grace or talk to you rationally – instead, he’ll defend her or go out of the way to fight with you.

He may even flare up or attack you verbally or start criticizing you instead.

This is one of the signs he’s talking to his ex.

21. He won’t be enthusiastic about your common goals as before

Maybe there were things he was very passionate about with you but you now find that it’s no more the case.

Is he behaving coldly and indifferent toward your goals?

Perhaps at one point you discussed traveling somewhere or having kids and he has no interest to do any of that anymore.

22. He has no interest to talk about anything

You try to talk about intellectual conversations or try to talk about deep topics and he has zero interest in continuing the conversation.

He merely nods or agrees with you and just takes out his phone or laptop.

You feel like you have to do something extreme just to get his attention.

23. He asks you about his ex

If you feel he sometimes talks about his ex with you and then asks you about your opinion of her, this is a red flag.

He’ll say things like,

  • What do you think of her?
  • Wasn’t she funny when she said that?
  • Do you remember how she did that yesterday?

And he’ll watch your reaction.

This is one of the biggest signs he’s talking to his ex.

Conclusion

I know what it feels like to be cheated on.

I lost years of my life to a physically abusive man who cheated on me and I don’t want anyone else to go through that for as long as I did.

I wish someone had told me or I was wise enough to note the signs when they were in my face.

I would suggest sitting down with your partner and talking to them plainly about how you feel.

Don’t accuse them without proof – it isn’t going to work.

In some genuinely rare cases, some of these signs can be due to stress or depression. In this case, make sure he gets the help he needs.

But pay more attention and note if there is a vast change in their behavior or if they are treating you poorly.

I don’t recommend working on the relationship if he has made up his mind to cheat or is hiding their conversations from you.

Once the trust is broken, there is no reason to stay.

Please leave, so you can find someone that is worthy of your love and someone who will love and respect you just as much as you can.

I left.

I found love.

And I’m grateful that it’s all over and in the past.

Angela is a 30 year old Illustrator and Blogger living with her 2 adorable labradors in Bangalore, India. She has a degree in Psychology and Human Relationships from the University of Toronto. When she's not writing her heart out or drawing, you'll find her sipping chai and reading non-fiction books.

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